sometimes you fail so much that nothing matters to you anymore. another failure is like so what. it's a normal thing already. failing another test is like nothing to me anymore. in fact i even expect to fail tests nowadays. so damn sian la. life's hell. and it's full of failures. sometimes you want so bad to do a tutorial to be handed in. just that... it's not within your capabilities to do so. sadness. then recurring old long time ago supposed to never come back again injuries. damn demoralising. muscle pulls also. so damn sian. haiz. don't know la. what rubbish am i uttering. bleahx. sianness

err. food orienteering today was relatively interesting. er. from tj to bedok there for mee rebus. then to katong for katong laksa. then to old airport road for char kuay tiao. then to aljunid for smelly beancurd. then to where ah. somewhere around aljunid also for vegetarian food. eh. then to geylang there for yu sheng. and err.to jalan besar for pig's organelle soup. then to newton for duck rice and finally to bugis for tom yam soup. yeah. quite tiring la. the route to old airport road hawker centre whoa lucky cheng chung's nearby then got pple who know how to get there. or else cham ah. long long route. haha. ic with sze sian. not bad la. reached there around like just on time. bu chuo. haha. but then the jalan besar one.. with alex. waulao damn far can. eh went through little india and all. kinda felt like i was going round and round aimlessly. basically everything looked so alike la. so yeah. damn sian. the time limit was... a bit crazy though. two time extensions before getting there. running quite a large component of the route somemore.. once there was no human traffic la. cos waulao little india.. farrer there so many people la. want to go faster also cannot cos scared pple get stuck in the crowd and all. quite frustrating that one. the rest was quite fine. yeah. a bit disgusting though. the thought of consuming so many different types of food within such short time periods. eeeyer. don't know la. just feels a bit the gross. haha. oh yeah walked past the aljunid bball court. yeah. then new one. omgg. want to go see. hahaha. whoops.

oh yeah went back to ij yesterday. don't know. was sitting on the bus. then just suddenly missed ij so so much. never actually thought i'd ever miss the school la. but i don't know. i suddenly feel as if i just like. took ij for granted last time. you never know what's really bad before you go through it. tj makes me miss ij so much now. was practically running towards ij when i got off the bus la. think people thought i was crazy. nevermind. felt so wow-ed when i saw the bball court. nothing special. just that.. don't know how to describe it. like just such familiar territory. damn nice feeling. saw the bballers also. eh. found mr teh. had a nice talk then found mrs low also. haha. she invited me into the staffroom. wow. haha. offered me stuff also. so cool. first time. haha. so random to suddenly go back but wow. eh. saw mrs nicks also and mrs siao. damn cool la. haha. played a tiny bit of bball. then met cheryl. haha. cj's uniform looks like the factory workers near bedok mrt there de! LOL. oops. ahhaha. sure kena killed for saying that. haha. not say tj's uni's that nice also la. haha. yeah got her go go to queensway with me to buy my black fbts. haha. went to ikea for lunch also. and err. oh yeah. met carol at the queenstown mrt. haha.

i miss the old times. don't you? sighs. now everyday is draining. damn sian la. sigh. never experienced so many so many failures all in succession before until i got to tj. damn sad la. failing almost everything now. i even failed chem can. cheryl sounded suprised? damn sad case. fail de very chan somemore. my strongest subject la. gone case also. i die le. oh sheesh. must pia math soon. once she finishes marking that test, i'm d.e.a.d. seriously. bet i got like zero for that la. wasn't sure of anything. everyone's like omg there's no time to finish the test while i'm like. haha. i had sooo much time cos i didn't have much to write. don't know how to do anyway so yeah. oh yeah. not excused from bio tests anymore. damn. now i seriously die. will so fail it. i've never seen those chapts before. haven't had much time or mood to go for the make up lectures. uh oh. sighs. so much to do so little time. life is hell.

sigh. how is it like to see everything around you do down. like way below and everything seems to reflect darkness and a sense of loss. i don't know. that's probably like how i feel right now. everything just seems to wrong. so monotonous. so damn sian. i don't know. the world's moving so fast. i'm like being chained up. held in some unchangable position where i just helplessly watch as everything just keeps moving and moving. don't know. suddenly feel helpless and distraught. cannot cope. really don't know what to do next. like all the tutors are coming after me already. physics tutor probably just thinks i'm a slacker. chem doesn't seem to care much for now. that's quite a good thing for now. bio thinks that if i try hard enough i just might be able to catch up cos i took o level bio before. sigh. math thinks i'm not coping at all. that i probably cannot take the change of combi and all and am letting go of math. she even err offered help anytime should i need it... and that i should approach my ct or her if i need someone to talk to... that i shouldn't keep everything to myself cos it's not good this way. omg. that bad huh. uh oh. certainly doesn't help to be in a class where everyone's like flying so damn high. like everything's just a breeze for them while i'm struggling like hell. right now i don't know whether to laugh or to cry. laugh cos wow. my tutors actually care about my well being. cry because i personally think i cannot cope at this moment as well. so many things to do and accomplish, yet so little time. don't know. so confused. i want to catch up. but i can't. i don't know. i don't even know what i'm rambling about now. arggh. forget it.

sian diao. there's so much to say yet nothing to say. sounds so super contradictory... don't know. i suppose these few days are like hell to me. seriously. i don't know. ever since we got our new scgs, i began to hate school more and more. three words to describe school. sucks. hate. dreadful. it's like quite stupid la. it's like... everyday i walk into my own prison. like very shuang like that. every single freaking day somemore. like wth's wrong with me la. you know. if i had a choice i'd want to redraw from college immediately la. just quite sian of everything right now. can't exactly cope also right now i think. am so lost for everything. suppose it was a horrible idea to switch subject combi. esp to trip sci cos i realise it sucks big time. feeling a bit of regret now. don't know la. sigh.

hmm. saturday had beta house function? not bad la. err went to watch the pacifier with yuxuan, michelle, shi han and two of yuxuan's friends. quite a lame show. haha. hse function not bad la. just that like.. err 90% of the songs were chinese songs? so a bit the never heard before. but they sound quite nice la. oh had some pass the parcel game. damn amusing la. when pple throw th parcel to pass it around. somehow always end up with me de la. but.. hahas. never go on stage. lalala. yeah. had mass dance also. yeap. haha. monday was. weird? pe was like err ipu standing broad jump and 2.4. err. like okay. fine. weirdness la. physical fitness test coming soon? i fail la. dont care already. gp compo sucked. chinese compo sucked even more. don't know what i'm doing these days. wednesday was like plain weird la. suddenly realised that i've the a star research briefing at like 3.30.. then the talk at nj at 4... damn stupid la. hate being caught in the middle of everything. sian diao. anyways went to nj cos it was to late to get to the a star talk even if i flew there. so yeah. hmm. realised... omg la. nj's quite nice again. i'm lousy la. failed to get in at first attempt. didn't bother thereafter. a bit the regret it again... don't know la. yeah. anyway went out for dinner with junsheng after the talk. sorry.. made you pei me and all... thanks yeah...

hmms. thursday was... i also don't know. err. was super sian la. so ponned math lecture. if i had the choice i'd pon the entire day. but then tutorials and pract... so bo bian la. today's just plain horrible? dunno. it's like swimming was... okay la. not too bad. was so super tired and sian during tutorials. kept looking at the clock. like very nice like that. counting down the time till lessons end... errs. don't know... 4x400 sucked? feel like i pulled the entire team down or sth. like cos kind of got muscle pull la. as usual.. don't know what my problem is. yeah. wanted to give up after the first 100m de. but then saw the last runner... cannot pangsei her like that. so no choice la. just run. sighs. but felt like it was a slow run. at least it felt damn slow. don't know la. i feel so evil la. don't know... don't know why i always want to give up. dunno...

anyway learnt that i'm super not a short distance runner. err. actually basically i can't exactly do anything la. sports.. academics.. whatever la. i suck in everything. so yeah. life sucks la. dreading everything again...

hmm. okay. o night was not too bad. so sad that we had to leave halfway during mass dance for the night cycling though. hmm. night cycling was great. quite cool la. cycled right into the morning. ehh... got the bikes from ecp. err. went from tj to the national stadium to the old market. if you don't get where that is.. do a direct translation to chinese and you'll get it. haha. err then to lavender, aljunid, then kovan. and err bedok reservoir there. and back to tj. yeah. something like that. haha. quite fun la. just that was super tired from the orientation and all and my leg was hurting.. had to resort to standing to cycle so that i can use my body weight to push the paddle. but then sometimes chen bu zhu le. had to force myself to go on so many times cos i didn't want to have gaps. sad case la me. but overall it's really cool. yeap.

eh.. what else happened? oh. right. got my triple science. kena sent to scg18 when most of the pple i know are from 20. sian diao. then the teacher in charge didn't want me to change scg though i wanted to appeal and even had a mutual swop la. was trying to convince me to stay... kept saying that it's such a good class so i should stay. haiz. don't know. didn't really know how to reply to that. so just left it la. eh. the tutors are seriously damn good. think we got the best tutors available or sth. err nearly half the class are scholars? i'm like at the bottom of the class can. saw the class list. the lousiest raw score of the class is 9. sian diao la. the teacher in charge seemed shocked that i wasn't in trip sci for the first three mths. bleahx. whatever la. i stupid can. computer error that i ended up in this class la. got a problem with that? cannot is it. sorry la. not like i wanted it. too smart le. everyone's too smart. i cannot catch up. i'm just one sad case. bleahx. whatever la. arggh. shall talk about something else. this is making me feel damn sian.

eh. sports day heats are a distater? don't know how come i got into the 200m finals. ehh. yeah. don't know la. weird. err. still got 4x4oom left? that one must train. i can't pull the entire team down of i'd feel eternally evil. sighs. errr. oh had first titan's training. super torturous. don't know why my muscles kept pulling. pull until like very shuang la. pain cannn. bleahx. siannn. for now. everything seems quite okay le. even managed some bball today. haha. shoot de very shuang. got my shooting touch back for now. hope it never leaves. haha. realised bball's one of the few things i look forward to nowadays. oh joined the tj bball team for training the other day. damn nice can. yeah. crossed my mind to join. but then. don't know la. a bit hard. i've the max no of pdps already. so yeah. then wanted to join hc de. but then think i won't be able to cope de. so yeah. sian diao. don't really know what to do.

hmm. had adventure tower training also? yeap. quite fun i suppose. pretty interesting. haha. oh. got newcomers to oac. damn funkaye. haha. got one beta de somemore. the best. =) hazel's friend. ahaha. not bad la. didn't know he's in the same class as so many pple i know. haha. ooh. got beta house function tmr. muahaha. going with my og. good. ehh.. watching movie first. honestly i've no idea as to what movie is being shown at all. nevermind. just go ba. break. haha. don't know. a bit luan now. shall just take things a step at a time i suppose... og outinggg next! house function! haha. should study also. not should. is must. yeap. oh sheesh. pw drafttt. roar. yeah hor. scico also. new science research thing. haha. a*star de. woo hoo. qualified. they want me to go try. haha. sounds interesting. but quite time consuming also. oh well... one step at a time. one step at a time...