sigh. sick. so tired. year one heading towards sji now. don't can meet the 21 hours liao. but really hope they will finish the entire 72km. i think they can and i think they will...

sigh. just cabbed back from the math jct. second exam in the row that i'm the first to disappear from the examination venue. horrendous. just.. arggh. i dunno what to do. this is totally pathetic. and i'm supposed to be year two already la. can i just jump off a building now or something? seriously... am i just stupid? or am just very stupid. i think the second option seems more apt. total rubbish la. i can even screw gp up. something that can't exactly be screwed that badly. seems like the log phase of the bio curve. each exam i screw up more and more at an excelerating rate. gp bio math and tmr chem. gone. just gone. jct is over for me. i dun even need to take the last paper. seriously. i already know the result. and when the time comes... everyone in class will be whining about why in the world they missed their A or Bs or why that A wasn't that of a better mark... while i'll be sitting there again listening to their whines... wondering yet again why in the world someone as pathetic as me is put into a class of this calibre... and why in the world i'm just so stupid. why i'm perpetually wondering how i'm going to pass... while everyone around me worries about how many distinctions they get. sigh. i dunno. right now i think i'm like the most pathetic soul on earth...

hmmm dad's birthday today. happy birthday! haha but he's in denver now. oh well. =/ hope it's fun over there. =) haha oh well... one more day to the start of jct. and i'm no where near done for any of the subjects. just hope... somehow i wun fail that badly... oh well... ahh. what am i doing here again. bleahx. i shall not blog from now till the cts are over. cannot cannot... no.. go back to bio kim go! shoo~

sigh. i need time... time is what i don't have now. suddenly thought of what jun sheng said this afternoon said.. time is scarce. that's the challenge. how true. then why do i keep wasting it. it's not like i have a lot of time to start off with. ahhh... what's wrong with me? i need to wake up. seriously. this cannot carry on. even my tutor's asking me when i'm stepping down. telling me that i have to step down asap and start studying to make up for everything i'm behind. it's not like i'm behind by a little only la. i'm behind by the entire syllabus. times three for three subjs. i am so smart. i let this happen. now i have to figure out a way to make it right. actually i don't have to figure a way out. i just need to spend time to study. i have to. sigh. ahh don't think about it anymore. sigh. what am i doing online? i should be studying. rarh... anyway this is so random but this is a song i that dunno why but i really like that keeps playing on my phone's walkman now...

Over my head (Cable Car) by Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind

Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

okay... back to bio =( sighhhh...

hmmm... am i always missing. like always not there? cos someone said that again today. just the other day when i went for a family bbq thing. my aunt was like hmmm then came closer to look... and she was -looks in disbelief- like kimberley is that you? you finally free enough to come ar? how come today so free don't have anything on? hmmmm... am i really that mia? i know like more than half the time i'm like in school or something.. but hmm really that bad meh? uh... i dunno. sigh. i'll be much free-er in time to come though. hmm. haha. but... hmmmm... okay... hmmmm

finally managed to make time to run a couple of rounds... quite glad about that. but from there kind of realised that i'm really quite screwed. ended up completing less rounds than i had wished. kind of ended up hobbling out like 2 rounds before my target round completion. damn. and it wasn't like a fast pace to me or anything. this is crap. okay so maybe i was like being funny trying to run when i already knew what was happening to me. bleahx. =( just a sudden random thought. if a person has a really really bad injury... i see no point in asking that person to continue. just stop and rest it's for the betterment of the future. hmmm yeah. random thought. dunno where it came from. haha

hmm recently... the normal pain from walking suddenly became a sharp pain each step i take. even when sitting, i can feel it hurting most of the time. kaileng told me it was most prob cos my knee has worn out or something. i dun feel like telling the doc. cos i dun wanna go back for physio anymore. and i don't want to rest. i have enough time to do so during the a's period i presume. i don't care. i can do it.. i'll just start slower than usual... then maybe build up slowly again. i'll control my steps. i see it more as a challenge. the more it's pulling me down, the more i have to do something about it. the more i have to beat it. and i will. especially for the 2.4 run in the later term. so have to get a nice timing. i don't care. i'm an oacian la. so have to get a max 12+min timing. no more. no way.

sigh. sometimes i really miss the bballing times. the times when we just run and run and run like nobody's business... run and sprint and run and sprint. so fun lar. especially loved the times when we played matches and like i could get the ball way behind the halfway line, while the defender is already past the halfway line... and still out sprint that person to get to the other end of the court and lay up like 10 over meters in front of that person. haha. all the satisifation i got from that. and all the shots. haha. it's really been a long time... i think i will so play like shit now. and seriously i dun run as fast as before anymore. damn. come to think of it... i do miss the 7 rounds warm ups followed by sprints or four corners.. and more sprints.. and more running... and finally 3-on 3 for hours before our sad like 5mins water break. and then back to like full court layups and 3-on-3s again... and shooting whereby if like hmm only 8 out of 10 penalties or 6 out of 10 3 pointers can save you from running another 10 rounds. haha no wonder i made it a point to make my shooting so precise in the past. lol. and the matches we played there after. and i miss the 7 rounds cool down. and the cool down exercises which came with it. damn i miss bball and the tracks and the courts. too bad it won't be there when i go back anymore cos the thing's been rebuilt. it will never look the same lar. no way. oh well. why in the world am i even talking about all these stuff now? haha. must have been some random thought again. i am being so random these days. haha.

anyway i so love oac too. so glad i have them. i sooo loveeee land lar. i wish i could go backpacking in some foreign country after the a's and navigate my way around with a map... orienteering! and a little transportation help here and there. omg lar. that's like a dream holiday can. woo hoo~~ and quite a number of us decided that we'll be coming back for the march expe next year liao. hope the future land dept will do a good job of it yeah. i'm sure they will =) lalala... and hope eng wei can make it also. ns lar. haha. my perpetual expe partner. it'd be weird going on my first expe without him as my partner or going w/o him around. haha. oh well... we'll see ba. lalala. quite wanna try out korbu lol. *hint* hahaha kiddinggg... shui bian lar. pick a nice mountain that serves the purpose and objectives of march expe can liao. just dun choose kinabalu or ophir can liao. haha i'm like talking to myself liao. haha too happy le. just changed phone today... to the w700i. dunno but i think i'm like too easily amused and excitable by the phone. hahaha... walkman phones rock sia =)

oh my such a long and full of crap entry i realised. haha. anyway, cham. not even a week left to jct. did i ever mention how very screwed i am? i'm like nowhere lar. and i dunno anything can. so so going to flunk the jcts this time round. shit lar. so so screwed. better not flunk it until single digit or something... or... lalala. i'm so so dead... bleahx. i better study properly tmr sia

all i need is a nice long run around the tracks. i'll be fine. =)

just got back from froggie's house awhile ago. though it's like always a small group of people turning up... but i seriously have to say i enjoyed it. i love my hc. totally cannot deny that. am happy today =D 13th beta hc rocks. =)
quite a sudden change of mood... but i dunno. i realised i've been very unhappy these couple of days... a lot more unhappy than usual. though i really try my best to make everything seem alright... make everything seem fine... but i don't think i managed to be as objective as before these few days. so many times i wanted to just give up. really tried. but sometimes i just can't seem to register things in my mind. maybe these few days it's not good for me to make decisions at all. if i even manage to make one that is. i dun really know exactly what's wrong. just some stuff pulling me down. but it's those kind of stuff that i guess will never be solved. maybe it will maybe it won't. cos it's something that i'll probably never bring up to the person. the element i like is just too important to me. i think only sheepie understands what i'm talking about and how i feel. honestly i don't want to care. but it just bugs me so. cos everytime something degrading is said about it... it's as good as stabbing me with each sentance they say. it really hurts. cos that thing is my life. and i pride it so. i know that they don't know and see it as just making joking comments... but though i make it seem as if i'm fine with everything and everything's okay, it really hurts me so inside. to a point that i nearly cried after that long meeting after punishment day. only sheepie knows. i mean like that thing's not solely mine. but that of some others too. but why those others seem to look down on it so much i don't understand. what's so bad about it? why these negative connotations all the time? just because most never liked it and just like partially got forced into it? if that's the case why not learn to like it? or any negative comments just keep it to yourselves unless it's constructive. cos it's really not funny at all. okay so maybe everything's meant as a joke. and maybe i view things more seriously because i'm not too happy about my own personal stuff like my studies. but after a long while it really is not funny anymore. it becomes somewhat... annoying.
i dunno. i think i'm just rambling about the same point. i don't want to be direct. cos it's not meant for anyone to understand. just want an indirect avenue to put out what i feel and what's been going on in my mind. no one needs to understand cos i'll never approach this thing i suppose. let them be. let everything be. i'll get used to it sometime. i just don't want to think of it anymore. i have more important stuff to do now. like study and pray hard for a miracle that somehow i can scrape out a pass for the jcts. i don't care. and i don't want to care.

sigh. it's like two weeks or less to the jcts. and i can't really seem to get myself going. i already know deep inside how badly i'm going to flunk this jcts. i don't know. even if i am going to flunk it, i should be trying to flunk it with relatively decent flunk grades. not all the rock bottom low almost reaching single digit or even single digit kind of fail. i don't know what to do. suddenly i feel... helpless...

june camp is over. honestly i don't really know what to say. mixed emotions i suppose. in a way i'm glad it's over. finally can pave the way for my studies. but on the other hand... quite worrying. and i don't really want to hand over. sigh. and i thought the jnr hc was all we would be worried about. don't really know what to say about the junior's performance... okay so physically they're not all that bad off. but... hmm they failed campcraft, sea, land. that's all the components of oac. and they didn't finish a single one. most disappointly, they chose to give up on the 72km orienteering. i don't think any batch has ever chosen to give up on 72km before. seriously. i think they're the first. precision orienteering test. there were people who didn't know how to use a compass. how to use pacing. how to find their current location even using the road signs around. no one at all passed precision. we came to realise... they don't know their stuff. most of them that is. and hey their pain threshold is really low. they gave up on the basis that they're too tired to continue. and that they had casualties-which was cos they have soaked feet and it felt sore? i dunno. i guess we were all really shocked when they called us to tell us that they wanted to give up. even though they knew that it was their last chance to even complete something for the entire june camp. though they already failed after passing the 22nd hour. but seriously i dunno how they did it. but at night they literally walked at 1km per hour. sigh. dunno la. anyway out of point. that's not the most important thing. the worst thing was... that their mentality is wrong. it's like so long as we survive through the camp no matter whether they fail or pass we'd eventually have to hand over to them some day. and they just keep dropping out everywhere... when actually they can do it one. oh and they don't even think it was wrong for them to have given up on the 72k. i dunno. it's like everything's wrong. the entire team's mentality is wrong. sigh. dunno. i really have nothing to say anymore. really makes me wonder if we failed as instructors... how are we going to handover like this?

hmm been awhile since i last posted. sports carnival, titans and batch gathering are all over. now it's just one day away from june camp that starts next week.

hmm sports carnival was... uh. nothing much to say la. just stunning. yeah. grace aijia shimin ain mo and i became like beta captains ball teams 1 2 3 4. haha i think the referee just closed one eye la. cos we a bit the pathetic already sia. basketball was okay la. just realised that some pple really very no sportsmanship. i mean like fine so you want to win but without any sportsmanship at all like what's the point. played with the alpha team. they like told aijia that they never played bball before then get the ball should just throw and don't keep it in posession. yeah right. think i'm dumb ar. i can see a bballer when i see one. then they good. push down the beta players.. then they take the ball away and what do they do? just ask one line. are you okay? then without waiting for a reply just start playing bball again. shocked. totally never seen this like of no sportsmanship players before la. not even at the nationals. so horrible. then stunning la. our juniors let so many events walk over. didn't even bother to look for subsitutes. we asked them whether they have enough teams or not. then that person just looked at us and said... oh the girls team redrew. then just sat back down and slacked. kaoz. not a surprise when beta's fire was the first to go. means last for sports carnival la. anyway haha even more shocking. we were in the hc room. then recieved a call needing more players for a certain game la. so okay we went. then still not enough pple. started calling people we know and people from the jnr hc themselves -like how come they dun know how to do that? to come la. then hmm we quite the pro la. got into the finals. then someone remarked to the jnr that called us down that beta quite pro ar in the finals. then that jnr replied- of cos! the team is i assemble one. walao! ain and i looked at each other la. stunning remark. woo hoo. the juniors rock. we were totally stunned yet again.

titans was quite okay la. super proud of the beta titans. think they did great =) we were so so super close to second. and pretty close to first. was like quite nervous for them throughout especially when i knew the results after every day of titans. but we don't have to win to prove that we've got a strong team la. we lagged from the individual events. cos yeah we all know what happened to our soccer players. our best bets la. sad sad. then we closed up the gaps until we were so so close on the last day. almost made it. but not important la. just shows that we're pro. we won the second day somemore. log pt leh. hahahahahaha. we are just so pro! hahahaha... beta titans rocks la. =) it can only get better in the following years. this year beta was the house with the most standards already. everyone agrees on that. so yeah quite happy. can can. next year they better do better errr under the jnr com. hopefully. haha. i'll be back i suppose. muahaha. anyway the seniors that came back for titans rocks sia. hahahaha. very interesting pple. glad i got to know them through titans

batch gathering was okay lar. many batches of seniors. i suppose finally we know who they are. always wondering what they look like from the writtings on the tables or ceilings. haha some i realise the names dun really look like the person leh. haha. dunno. lalala... interesting lar. been quite a while since we last saw saw our seniors also. prior to titans la...

hmm... tues spent so much time studying bio spa with yanling yinwei and arvin. haha super sian but first time i can say i really really tried hard to study. oh. i realised when arvin shops for food he really shops. impressed sia. haha froggy =) wed was the spa... whoa. not bad. actually knew what to write most of the time. though i still think it's a bit dumb. to speed write the 10 pages worth of answers within 1 hour. but at least i survived la. haha then went out with aijia and grace. quite fun la. photo taking sessions everywhere. haha i think pple think that we've gone crazy liao or something. haha. then went shopping... and ehh went to k box also. though i realise i really quite don't like that place. hahaha. oh well. yesterday went with froggy to orchard for lunch and to shop around before meeting the rest. haha. then mo joined us halfway. so funny. she paranoid liao sia. everytime the frog look at her she like wanna run away and hide. lol. esp after telling us she was going to china la. walao. hahahaha... so the frog and i decided to not do anything just say only see how she react. haha. sia la. we just look at her also she paranoid that we conspired to do something to her sia. damn funny. hahahaha. froggy rocks la. hahaha... then met ain rach and eevien. haha went to shop awhile also. but in the end also like didn't manage to buy anything for the jts. oops. but nevermind lar. still got time right. hahahaha...

ahh june camp tmr. haha. but i need to study sia. was talking to froggy yesterday over lunch ma. then suddenly realised right after my june camp i only have two weeks left to study for my jct. which is obviously not enough time. really need to chiong. but can't seem to do it. how how how.. froggy says that fail jct will just end up in a lot of remedial classes that sort of thing. sigh. but really quite scared not. i dun wanna fail jct again. =( how.. sigh. i need to study! help help helppp...