hmmm celebrated teacher's day in tj today. the eight of us i think. dunno where the rest went to. together with our tutors. kind of nice the feeling. so relaxed and all. pretty cool. somewhat like a mini un as well as mr ho put it. all the different nationalities. ha. oh well. yeah just sat around and talked and all. pretty enjoyable. but somehow i dunno kind of weird. though it was pretty nice and all... but i suddenly longed to go back to ij. suddenly missed it so so much. perhaps maybe it's the way we've been celebrating it for those many years. so different. kind of miss that ij feeling. but no i couldn't go back cos needed to meet a tutor regarding something. quite sad. kept thinking of it the entire day. that i wanted to go back. really really missed ij so. ahh... sigh. anyway i realised that when the tutors met me... the first thing each of them said to me was like... so how's your studies coming along? can? coping well? sigh i really didn't know what to say.. just partially laughed it off and said... trying... but sigh i dunno. i really don't know. feel so bad to make them worry so much about it. i'm so evil la. having so many people worry about my academics. sigh shall not think of it so much. anyway yes teacher's day is nice. love it when dad brings back those bags of presents. i'll admit that i'd be the one happily opening the presents up to see what's inside. so exciting. ha. sounds a bit um childish i know but pretty exciting what opening presents. heh. oh well. sigh all the simple things i miss. =(

haha um i don't really know how to start this. maybe uh i'll put it the way eng wei put it. haha. i've joined singapore's aged population today. guess i have quite a number of people to thank for remembering... since i still have all the msgs in my phone... a big thank you to.. jean, cheryl, sze sian, kai qin, eng wei, li yuan, kai sheng, xiao ting, jun sheng, sheryl, rachel, natalie, shi han, yanling dorothy, wei kheam, hasina, yinwei, arvin, sin yee, wai kit, weldon, yi min, samantha um did i miss out anyone? hope not. thanks for brightening up my day and making me smile with each msg recieved. don't know how in the world you all remembered though cos i didn't say anything about it at all. haha. still remember last year spent this day running at the new balance real run. a year later i'm not even allowed to run anymore. haha that's funny. hmm just read chao kiat's blog. again i have to say he makes so much sense all the time. kind of thinking about it now. anyway um guess i really was on the verge of totally giving up on everything yesterday... but luckily enough i guess talking to mingwei rachael and yinwei put some sense back into me. mw's right. remember where you want to go. it's the critical period how can i give up how? sigh. how much do i want it? i can't just give up totally now. have to keep trying. even if it doesn't seem like i'm moving. maybe the displacement's still close to zero... but er someday maybe i'll start moving? um kind of reminds me of that story. the one about the old man who wanted to move the mountain. um. yu gong yi shan . dunno how true that is... but you zhi zhe shi jing cheng right? sigh shall make myself believe in that now as much as possible. at least give me something to believe in. just how much do you want it kim? how much?

shi bai. hen shi bai. xiang fang qi. zhen de hen xiang fang qi. sigh i dunno what's going on. i think my patience with my studies is wearing very thin. getting quite frustrated. feel as if i'm going nowhere. like i just keep running and banging into the same wall without any success in getting past it. i dunno. it's like everytime i take a step in front some how i'll find myself sliding two steps back. bu zi zhe me zhuo cai hao. i dunno. i think cmi already. suddenly feeling super stressed up. cos i know that my standard is no where. and the paper's going to be really hard. still remember the vp telling me that getting all Es for the prelims means that i'd b progressing well for the As. means that it's damn hard to even pass the prelims la. i dunno what to do. seriously don't know what to do. i don't want to care. i don't want to try anymore. subconciously i already gave up, but some small part of me tells me that i'd regret if i stop. i dunno. kinda think i really gave up. just too tired of it. been like dunno just sleeping really early for er the past mth i think without doing much cos just too tired of it. was looking at biological membranes. like the first chapter of bio today. suddenly felt that that's it. i really dunno anything. doesn't help that i didn't take bio in the first three mths. really really missed out on a lot. suddenly realised that those chapters are really quite important. i dunno what to do. nearly cried when i saw it all. too overwhelming. i can't do this. really i can't do this anymore. i know it probably doesn't seem like it but i really ren le hen jiu. shou bu liao le. i still remember yimin telling me that mrs lee talked to her the other day and told her to take me as her role model. never to give up when you fall. just learn from it and pick yourself up and carry on. resiliance. still remember that i was super shocked when i heard that. quite well honoured that she thinks that of me but... i guess she has no idea... no idea how much i just want to give up everyday. especially when i'm stuck in a class where everyone's just so good and i'm no where near any of them. how pathetic i feel just going for lessons everyday whatmore do anything else. good i suppose that no one really found out that i feel that way. it's just that i refuse to have anyone know how i feel. always trying so hard to put up a strong front to show that i'm not affected by anything. still remember having people ask me how come i can ren everything that's going on and be so unaffected by comments or by like consistantly failing or anything. i guess that's where i changed a lot. changed the way i view stuff. if someone says that i can't do something i won't talk back or anything. be totally unaffected by anything. just take things in my stride. then i'll take that yea if you say that i can't do it the more i want to be able to do it to show you that i can if i want. the more you say the more i 'll prove you wrong that kind of thing. got quite suprised to have people trying to learn that from me. the way i see and react to things. i know things seem as if i'm totally reactionless but yeah it does affect me so. but i guess i forcably supress those feelings so that people will think that i'm alright all the time. suddenly i feel as i'm giving a false impression that i can be strong. perhaps chao kiat was right. i'm being strong. but too strong. maybe i should let people know how i feel sometimes. don't know. maybe he's right. like what he said. it's like a balloon filling up. some people will choose to release the air all the time. some at regular intervals, some just before the balloon bursts. guess i'm probably the latter. just before it bursts. or perhaps i hold on too long. until i just sort of break down when no one's around for a period of time. suddenly a bit confused. i just don't want people to see. don't want people to know. yeah maybe it's a bit like acting tough but i dunno maybe i'm just like that. actually i realised though i dun show it sometimes little things can make or break me depends on my mood. like after the nafta 2.4 when ha i got partially reprimanded for running. when she was like hey you used to be a very fast runner right? dunno kind of suddenly felt really sad lor. couldn't offer any answer but... yeah past tense. used to. the other time also... when someone was like watching me try to solve some question... then said sth like i dun believe you dunno this de. surely you'll know just that you never practice enough. yeah quite honoured that you think i'm smart enough to know everything but um maybe i just really don't know at the moment. really. i dunno kind of makes me feel as if i dui bu qi that person because that person believes so much that i can do it yet i fall keep falling short and keep failing so. i dunno. just arggh. i don't want pple to worry i dun want to keep failing pple. but right now i just can't keep myself in check anymore. i really wanna give up le. keep feeling that it's of no use. i dunno what i'm doing anymore and i don't want to care. arggh. i really dunno. =(

i fought the battle; i ran the race

interesting quote i came across today

hmmm saw the sch physio today. i think finally something that makes sense ba. probably meniscus injury. guess that explains a lot ba. the pain and sweling that time when it is overloaded... and the really gross clicking sounds and the cannot be straightened thing. she suspects that and something else that she's still trying to figure out. hmmm... i see haha. right. much better than being clueless about what's happening. and she said no 2.4! oh no. but waste my 25 points from the 5 items. i just need a c or better which confirm can one lar. just a matter of whether still can hit the a or not =/ ahh... nvm. have until next wed to decide. run lar hor? hahaha... sad. supposedly cannot join sports cca next time le (but you know i still will la. if not i'll die off of or something). oh well. damn sian this is week 8 already and i'm still no where. this sucks. i wanna give up now. but... how can i? i think i'm just too slack. what do you think? maybe i should sit down and study properly for once. maybe something might just go in miraculously

hmmm break now. didn't run the 2.4 just now. next wed i suppose. under the hot sun in the afternoon =( but anything beats running today la. should i bother to go see the physio tmr? i really don't know. i swear i'm retiring from running once the 2.4 is over at least until... uh next year or something. =( sigh i realised i really cannot catch up no matter what. won't even be able to finish learning my syllabus once before the prelims. not good lor. my bio is so pathetic. i just can't seem to remember all the facts. seem to be able to get stumped at the easiest questions. quite scared. i just don't remember anything i learn. very scary. if i go into the exam hall now. i know i confirm will fail all three subs until super cham. i dunno what to do. i dun feel as if i'm progressing. dun feel like i'm doing enough. dun't feel as if i'm disciplined to sit down and just study without prolonged procrastination. i just dunno what to do anymore. so so tired of all of this =( ahhh someone save me =(

i dun really know what to blog. chao kiat tells me to follow my heart. haha. hmm really tired these couple of days. no idea why. kind of keep dozing off. distracted. totally distracted. can't seem to concentrate on anything. can be looking and reading something but nothing's really going in. as in nothing's processing at all. i have no idea of what i'm even trying to read. all i see are letters. just a lot of letters and i don't know what word it spells out or says. i don't know what i'm doing these days. rarh. just a lot of things going through my mind i suppose. everything's moving very fast. things just keep adding on and adding on. new topics keep being added on also. and i can't seem to catch up on anything. i'm no where. just keep falling behind. kind of quite tired of everything. guess i'm really lucky to have friends who're always telling me not to give up now. sigh i dunno. anyway finally passed a test this year. biochem test. scraped through but not bad when most pple failed. first time. hopefully it means that something's improving for once? i really dunno. let's hope so. hmmm anyway just had nafta the 5 items. got my 25 pts. yay. was afraid sit and reach or like standing broad jump would kill me off or sth. but not bad lar. comfortable a s =) very stress lor. sit ups then everyone's like you doing 50 right? then paiseh so had to do the 50 in a min. then wanna jump also like orh you must go beyond 190cm k. pull ups also go to the station then i expect no less than 18 from you. then classmates also like expect more than that. then do 24 lor. dun wanna do le. wanna do shuttle run also like oh no i'm going to look so slow running next to you that kind of thing. nafta also a lot of pressure one lor. kaoz. now left 2.4. a bit scared. dun really know what it's going to be like. i dun care. i just wanna come in like 13+mins. i dun wanna chiong. just want a normal a. please dun pressure me. =( cos i know if i chiong i'll end up dying for the next couple of days weeks or whatever. anyway ahh i'm falling behind again. rarh. how how how =( quite scared of myself. scared that i will fang qi zi ji again. dunno whether i can or cannot get myself up the next time it happens already. it's becoming more and more difficult to. sigh. nvm. anyway chao kiat always makes a lot of sense =) hmm don't know what else to say le. cya