sigh. 8 days. 8 days since the prelims ended. please stop playing =( i am just so slack. help. been trying to do a little in the morning before sch. like um 10 15mins. but apparently that'd be all i do for the rest of the day. this is not good. not like i'm doing well or anything. ahhh. please wake up kim. got some rude shock yesterday. i realised that sigh more than 4/5 of my class got over 70 for math ppr 1. that's nuts. thought only like the f math pple do that. i know yeah we're a scholar class but still... that's besides the point. that's really crazy la. suddenly i feel so so pathetic again. fine =( ahhh... nus came yesterday to talk about the scholars programme. omg sounds... boring. oops. sorry man. but yeah. oh no. the guy in charge of the admission to nus. we talked to him yesterday. saddd the course i kind of want... most prob ard abb for entry. nooo that's not very possible. figure even aab won't be enough. =(=(=( this is so sad. sigh okay maybe i should attempt to do sth before having to go to sji later. fine fine. ahhh i really cannot be so slack already =( please study. a little is better than nothing yeah

ahh exactly seven days after the last day of my prelims already. stop playing ard kim =( haven't been productive for seven days already la. omg please cannot be so slack. =( sigh. anyway bio is gone. sigh totally gone. courtesy of mr essay =(=(=( fine. but it was my own fault anyway. sigh. i am so dead. =(

sigh fail fail miserable. i must be really dumb or something. even biochem something which even if i fail usually can fail with a relatively decent grade. woo hoo fail until the cows come home. great. yeah so the biochem questions were hard. and yeah i didn't try hard enough for chem. but still... i'm a bio student leh. out of all the chem sections i should be passing bio chem. but in the end still like that. sigh. failed the 10 chem essays quite miserably too. like really pathetic. and it doesn't help tt for all the papers gotten back i've pple who have nearly twice of my marks like probably will be a b grade that kind whine to me about how horrible their marks are. especially when they roughly already know how i'd do. thanks a lot. if you seek comfort in knowing how pathetic my grades are in comparison then good for you i have nothing to say. it's alwayyys like that. fine. fine. whatever you wish. sigh this is just day one. this totally sucks

sigh. i know i was still relatively happy a couple of days ago... but recently with each passing day the sinking feeling just grows. feeling unhappier and unhappier each day. guess i just have a lot on my mind everyday. damn i must be quite lousy. sigh nevermind. better it happen now when i still have my break than later. i don't know. i'd want to say that i don't know what to do anymore. but perhaps i do. there has to be a solution to everything. some i probably already know the answer to some maybe just needs a little more thinking? sigh i have to get rid of this... if not this will happen again at someother point of time. sigh head on collision. rarh i need to get past this soon. =(
random thought. i'm glad the ij board has been writing in to show our disapproval for that totally rubbished sunday times article. the way they portray the school is just crap. it's not even funny. if it's sole purpose was to provide entertainment of some sort... well it failed. all it managed to do is to undermined the hundred over years of history and hard work of the missionaries and many others to get the school to where it is today. congrats.
another random thought. watched singapore idol. just so happened i was on the bus heading home. no idea why i'm bothering to comment now when it's so late. but anyway um jon leong has nice hair. really. for a moment i was wondering who the hairstylist was. nice job. suddenly realised he looked like uh some korean actor from some angles. hmms. but then again i don't watch korean shows so yar. dunno. bro said he's some pro fencer that's pro-er than the coach. not bad. and they say he's a commando? -dun really look like leh? heck. anyway apparently he was having a sore throat today or sth. but not bad la. still can pull off such a performance. bet no one even realised. that guy sounded good. and that snowpatrol song sounded even better than before. oh it's nice to see the sji and lasellian brothers out there supporting him. bro paul was there. and basically the rest of the sji contingent together with the principal and all. not bad. that's the spirit. sji spirit. suddenly wondering. would ij have done the same if it was an ij girl in the finals? perhaps but i don't think it'd be till that extent? hmmm... anyway hady looks a bit like stevie g. the guy-next-door squeaky cleans can't possibly do anything wrong look. nice voice too. nice range. very nice sounding. just um weird choice of song today? but still good. roar some thought just interrupted my already fragmented chain of thoughts. fine. fine. =(
last random thought. random thoughts can be good for you. especially if they're really stupid ones. tends to take your mind off other things.

it's finally over. not any big relief or anything. no cheering nothing. probably cos the bio paper was much harder than all the previous early. but i don't know. somehow it just felt weird. it's over but it's not over. ahh paradox. sigh. anyway spent my day away. really tired now
went to tampines to play badminton with yuan kit and yinwei... two hours. power sia. haha. pretty intensive exercise man considering that i've been like so physically inactive for the longest time possible. and haha i'm so going to grow fat from that. haha anywayyy haha my badminton is improving! haha but then again it makes no difference to me. i'm no badminton player yeah. haha kaoz really really tired from it. whoa knee ankle and wrist all hurting from it now. ha i'm sooo lousy. oh well. but it was worth it yeah. fun fun.
met geraldine today. been a long long time since i last saw our seniors. seems like just yesterday when we were watching our snrs go in to take their prelims... suddenly omg it's our turn. scary. anyway lavender-ed for lunch with yanling as well. then orchard to galavant. lol.
oh yeah! BORDERS BISTRO HAS REALLY NICE STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKE! haha serious.
and woo hoo~~ finally got the book i wanted since like forever. okay maybe since like last year. jodi picoult's my sister's keeper. yayness! shall start on it real soon. but not today probably... too tired.
ooh. jay chou's new songs are niceee! though november chaplin was still the best. but nevertheless... nicenice. different style totally. i want. hahahaha... no school till tuesday. such a short break. so mean to the s ppr students lar. sch in the morning. s ppr exam in the after school. but then again haha who asked them. =p oops. hahaha... yups new timetable too! end earlyyy everyday. okay at least earlier then before. no days end later than one plus. good good. can go home earlier. woo hoo~~ hahahahahaha... tireddd... shall find sth to do like read the news or sth =) yayyy

say say say!
one more dayyyy! =p
haha rhymes. yay last ppr tmr! =)
i'm soooo bored that i koped this from cheryl's blog to do for fun. haha

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!

How are you feeling today?
100 years- five for fighting

Will you get far in life?
collide- howie day

How do your friends see you?
do you want to- franz ferdinand

Will you get married?
ye qu- jay chou

What is your best friend's theme song?
shell- susie suh ( no idea man came with the phone i think haha)

What is the story of your life?
move along - all american rejects ( haha that's so sad)

What was high school like?
hei she mao yi- jay chou

How can you get ahead in life?
fa ru xue- jay chou

What is the best thing about your friends?
torn - natalie imbruglia (!!!)

What is in store for this weekend?
yi qian nian yi hou- lin jun jie (haha that sounds like a nice long weekend lol)

What song describes you?
sexyback- justin timberlake (!!! nonono... never...)

To describe your grandparents?
yi lu xiang bei-jay chou

How is your life going?
amazing- westlife (woo hoo~~ i wish sia =) )

What song will they play at your funeral?
if i were you- hooberstank (sure sure... not bad. lol )

How does the world see you?
wishing i was there- natalie imbruglia (ahahaha yeah man =P )

Will you have a happy life?
lang man shou ji- jay chou ( now that doesn't sound that bad does it? =P )

What do your friends really think of you?
cao cao- lin jun jie ( hahaha serious? )

Do people secretly lust after you?
follow through- gavin degraw

How can I make myself happy?
qing tian- jay chou (hahaha... =p)

What should you do with your life?
over my head (cable car) - the fray

Will you ever have children?
for you i will - teddy geiger (hahahaha ummm... =/ )

hahaha um i don't know what to say abt that. haha...
okay ahhh cannot keep being so slack! last paper already.
i larveeee bio =) hahahahahaha...
do i sound convincing? lol. =)
back to bio! i'm gonna get through this =)

ahh... chem tmr. man stress de. especially seeing that my chem's in such a bad shape. sad. i seem to always have a thing for doing horribly in a new sch in the subj that was once my best before coming over. haha still remember math was my strongest sub when i entered sec sch. then immediately from a* dropped to c6. think mrs tay was so super shocked. she was like girl what happened. haha well i'm clueless to that too. and it's happening again... now my chem's like so sad case la. i think neglected it too much for the other subs le. never ever bothered about it. bad mistake. ahhh. i'm going to die tmr. sigh.

please don't crash and burn tmr.
don't end the ppr within 15 mins there's nothing left on the paper that can be done.
let's do something positive.
let's go study now.

less than 6 hrs left...
ahhh someone save me =(

haha the long anticipated weekend is finally here- yay. did absolutely nothing after this afternoon's bio paper. totally drained from it. that was really crazy. something today told me that i made the wrong choice to keep bio. but oh well what's done is done. and i really cannot afford to fail my tutor anymore. she rocks. still remember after the jcts we had a little talk. she asked what happened. then she was telling me that from the way i answer some questions she can tell that i really have the potential to do well. just don't have enough content. haha then she asked me to promise her that i won't let my jcts affect me and that i won't give up on my studies or anything. really nice. she's not one of those tutors who just go aiyo why your marks so low that kind. really honest and sincere so i trust everything she says entirely. realised she's always the first tutor i'll look for and talk to should there be a need. ahh she really rocks. think she's the reason why i carried on with bio instead of physics. cannot dui bu qi ta anymore. oh before the paper i was thinking that the paper'd surely kill me off again today. but she gave me quite a reassuring smile when i was entering the exam hall today. after that i remembered telling myself that maybe it won't be so bad and i'd better make a good one out of it to make up for my previous paper. guess it's the little things one does that um inspires others. =)
oh realised that it's during this period of time that i'm doubting and disbelieving in myself the most. some time ago was talking to someone. and that someone said something that struck me. he asked me what happened. last time when i was being asked questions, i was always pretty confident of my answers. but nowadays when someone asks me to solve questions for them or something i'd be so unsure and totally unconfident in giving my answers. come to think of it. how a short period of just two years changes someone so. was talking to hasina the other day. being in tj was the first time either of us had ever felt so demoralised by our studies in our entire lives. all the time our secondary school lives were a breeze. even if we didn't give a damn the results would still be decent. we kind of knew that no matter what at the end of the day we'd get our as. guess that's why we get so demoralised here. cos we never struggled before. never fell so hard before. so much so we don't know what to do don't know how to get ourselves back up fast. guess it never really struck us that the struggle would be for so long. maybe that's where we've to figure it out. that's where we've to learn. ahh all the negative thinking's really bad for us... though i admit that sometimes it just can't be helped. haha
haha really fragmented and random thoughts today. just writting whatever comes to mind. ahaha i don't sound that negative today. yay. trying to stop all that pessimistic thinking =) wahahaha weekends! =)

arggh =( so late already. but i'm not even done with the first chapter of my option topic for bio. so many chapters left. repro is really boring. i'm learning slower than at a snail's pace lar. guess i must be really dumb or sth. came up with another theory just now. maybe i'm finally filling the brunt of the prelims only now cos i'm so stupid that it took me 18 yrs to realise the real extent of my stupidity. heh. guess that explains quite a fair bit. =( i really don't need to sleep already. so many chapters left. damn =( sigh

never have i felt so demoralised before. seriously. something jai said when i was walking back with her after the math ppr- that i have to start believing in myself that i can do this. but somehow the more i think about it. the more i'm convinced that i can't. i just can't find any reason to believe that i can. i tried. really. in the past... even if i didn't know how to do most of the qns it wasn't that bad cos i know that i didn't try hard enough. but right now... i tried. it's not like i didn't. stats was probably the only thing i tried studying decently enough for. but yet at the end of the day i still can't seem to do it. even something like probably density i was like huh what's that. it's the prelims already. and i still can't do it. reality check. guess i'm really that lousy and hopeless at this. every paper i've set for seems to be killing me off. but this one killed me totally. cos it's the one i tried hardest for already. tmr bio ppr 3. haven't touched a single of those topics. i don't know what i'm going to do already. feeling so helpless and.. disillusioned

what's black in colour is actually white in colour, while what's white is actually black in colour.

haha not sleeping again tonight. i think the lack of sleep these two days is getting to me. wonder how long i can last. hmm. haha. evidance that i'll die off soon- kind of misjudged and half walked into the wall when i was supposed to walk through that wide open door. oh no. haha. i think i'm really going crazy or something. came up with a theory today. haha. the theory about colours. spent quite a fair bit of time proving to myself that everything that seems black is actually white in colour while everything that seems white is actually black in colour. haha sounds a bit um paradoxical but yeah. um haha anyway the theory goes that everything in this world is actually black in colour. that's the basic colour of everything. then comes in the white light and haha the absorbtion theory. see right. what we see is actually reflected light from the absorption spectrum. so if an object is black, theoritically speaking it should be white just that it looks black because it absorbed all the whte light leaving no light left to be deflected. on the other hand, assuming the basic colour of everything is really black, all the white light is reflected from the object surface and none is absorbed. hence it remains as it's original colour- black. it's just it looks white as a result of the reflection of white light. so basically the different colours are just a visual illusion caused by the index of reflection and the different absorbtion rates of the different objects. so haha um hahaha my wonderful conclusion of the day- what's black in colour is actually white, while what's white in colour is actually black. haha. since i don't take physics anymore and i wanna know if there's any other principles out there that i don't know of since i don't take that subject anymore. so um. haha anyone wanna challenge this very random theory of mine? lol =p

omg. seriously so stunned. can hardly believe steve irwin's gone. got stung through the heart by a stingray while diving off Port Douglas in order to film a documentary. really saddening. that was one great guy. and his documentaries were by far the best. hope his family's okay and um coming to terms with it. very fragmented post. really v saddening =( rarh. oh well gtg =(

no i can't give up now. how rubbish-ed can i get. no. thought about it. after two years, oac has taught discipline perseverence determination sense of urgency the never give up attitude and all. things we look upon so strongly. can't possibly apply that just to the sporting arena right. oac teaches us about life. perhaps i need to learn to integrate this into every aspect of my life. sigh. one week left to the prelims. i'm no where near done. but no i won't give up now. from today... 7 days. i'm going to make this work. just guo this prelims and keep going. no i'm not going to stop or think of stopping. not anymore.