sigh two days to the start of the As. starting with gp suddenly seems like such a nightmare especially when i haven't done anything to prepare for it as of yet. i barely have a day from now. don't really think it's going to be much of a help. please tell me gp is not important. sigh no content how to write. sigh. nevermind. just make sure it's a b can already. i realised last year's ppr i could only write about tourism cos we touched on that in secondary sch geog. sigh. this is so sad. okay nevermind. i don't think gp will mean that much yeah. -tries hard to convince myself-
sigh this is bad. i think i sleep for more hours than i'm awake for. haha die. a bit worried cos haven't exactly finished revision for any subject? first week is hell. bio clashes with math next day chem ppr 3 following day math again. really worried that bio ppr 2'd kill me off again. cannot cannot. really need bio this time round. quite reassuring the reassurances for bio and math but haha i still think i'm going to die in there. sigh. no idea about chem. cham. nevermind. must have xin xin le. now that it's really here cannot let anyone down. must jiayou le. sigh. see you all on the 23rd!

sigh. what happened to my two weeks? i'm still moving slower than pre-prelim period. why am i so slack. =( 7 days 7 days i'm so unprepared. cannot liddat. must make use of that 7 days.

oh anyway i saw this mum and sister i think. pushing the pram with the child inside trying to jaywalk across the road. hello the traffic lights is not even 20metres away can. it's not like it's an empty pram. there's a kid inside la. fine.

oh was in school going to leave after gp. so happened i looked up and haha saw my bio tutor on the second level. think she was going to go to the lt with the other bio tutors. she seemed pretty happy. and somehow the happiness translated over to me. haha suddenly made me realise how much a smile can change the day for the people around. haha must smile more. =)=)=) hahaha...

okay very no link today. seven days. i need to jiayou =)

sigh. really sad day.
feel as if i let somebody down today.
mixed up everything i'm supposed to have already known.
felt the diasppointment.
guess i take it kinda hard cos that's one person i respect a lot and promised before never to gu fu ta.
sigh. nevertheless that person still kept encouraging me.
but i just feel that i let that person down a lot.
this will not happen again. i promise.
i won't gu fu that person dui wo de qi wang.
i musn't

sigh you know if there was a sleeping marathon... i'd win. =(
i need to focus!
exactly two weeks left!
help!!!
sigh...

i guess today officially marks the end.
but in a way i suppose there isn't such a thing as an end. cos once a tjcian, always a tjcian =)
guess today's farewell concert and sports appreciation ceremony were more of for um enjoyment purposes for me. though yes i felt pretty sad having to leave the school... but i promised myself that no matter what i'll leave with a smile.

today i can honestly say, coming to tj was the best mistake i've ever made. for those who don't already know... tj was a mistake. i only got here because i played around with my choices during the pae. honestly tj was never one of my options. like come on i didn't even know where it was, neither did i have an idea of what the school looked like. all i remembered knowing was that tj had this funny green coloured uniform and ummm mass swimming. still remember all the ij pple were so omg-ed by that. haha but today... the green uniform's something i've grown really attached to and mass swimming was the best kind of pe possible. haha =p

looking back... haha i've come a long way man. i've learnt a lot and the experiences i've gotten from tj... invaluable. from the first day... when i came in not knowing anyone and haha getting lost looking for tj- can't believe that happened. hey i was really near tj.. but somehow the pple around didn't seem to know where in the world tj was... and anyhow picking a bus to board-luckly it was the right bus. still remember blaming myself for playing around with my choices after that and being so apprehensive and can't be bothered with orientation and all cos i had the mindset that i made a wrong move and i'm going to get out within three months. but nevertheless, i was in a great scg. all the funny things we did together... like the mass ponning of pw tutorials and all except for five of us mass dropping econs before the second lecture test and then going for breakfast together instead. haha... and my pdp mates... the greatest. by the end of the first three months could barely decide whether to stay or to leave. i'm glad that at the end of the day i chose to stay.

struggles. sure i've had my fair share of them. or maybe even more than that-haha. having to cope with injury-disasterous haha. juggling so many commitments and my studies was really demanding. still remember being super stretched all the time. from the proposals to the planning to the excutions of the various events. not easy especially when events clashed. the one time when i got super stressed was the after getting hospitalised period. right when i got back... was juggling the preparations for the major housefunction, track and field meet, the titans trainings, the orienteering propsals haha especially that food orienteering one and the don't know how many thousand worded science council report for the singapore youth science fair -shrugs- no choice cos i was heading the ntu research project... all within a week. thinking back. that was really crazy. was like wanted here there and everywhere. nuts. totally nuts. but i couldn't say anything. cos i believed that that was a choice i made. academically it's been a nightmare. haha like i don't even have enough time to do my tutorials la. by the time i get home at 10 11 plus. cmi already. haha but luckly i've tutors who never at any point of time stopped believing in me. for that i'm really thankful.

i guess it's this kind of thing that made me a much stronger person that before in some ways. i suppose i've changed a lot since i got to tj. stronger because i've learnt what it is like to fall... what it's like to fail... to struggle... and to get to a point where i could break down at any point of time. something i never experienced back in ij. i never knew what it was like to not get what i want. i guess this inculcated in me resiliance and that never say die attitude- although yeah i still will say it la. just that mentally when the time comes... nah. guess my attitude and outlook to things changed quite a fair bit too. especially being in such a good class... haha fine i admit i kind of the developed that say whatever you want about me it's not going to affect me kind of attitude. if you wanna say then go right ahead lor. i won't be bothered by it. haha that's why even if there's someone. ahem. yup that says right into my face that my grades are horrible and that's a normal thing. i'll always seem indifferent to it. -smiles- i'll never react so that i will never give you the satisifaction of knowing that whatever you say affected me. muahaha... but i suppose i've become a lot more withdrawn and quiet. honestly. all the stupid things i used to do in ij. no more. kind of think it's because of my perpetually failing grades. kind of makes me unsure of whether i'm correct. makes me quite doubtful of myself at times. haha... hmm being in tj made me more confident too -grins- though i'd rather not show it. but if you were to force a mike into my hands and force me to say sth to um the pple around. i guess i've already gotten over that fear. =) haha quieter... oh well. most of the time i choose not to say stuff. but muahaha i do know what's going on k. rarh. haha. after the As after the As. when there's no more struggle with my studies. muahaha... ke yi feng diao le =)

experiences. the people i've met in tj. so so different from ij. learnt a lot a lot during my time here. from the planning and excuting of events... to the bare basics of just working with pple. learnt super a lot. the kind of people i work better with or how to handle pple or situations. great insights. the various sporting events, house functions, expeditions, duathlon, camps and all... haha so many memories that i'll take back with me as i leave the college. yay and the pple i met here are the best. all the oacians, hc pple, my class, the seniors and juniors, the tutors! haha and even the science council and ntu professors. -grins- i couldn't be more thankful to have had all these pple as an integral part of my life from which i've had a smashing time with =) oh yes. i like my class. haha so funky la. the things we've been doing these past few days. haha i think we're the funniest most entertaining class ever. if only everyday was like these few days. haha. i think those pple we pulled into the classroom to take photos for us all rolled out laughing. seriously we do the most unexpected things. lol. crazy. super funny. good training for abs. lol =p

i swear the tutors in tj are amazing. really. i mean like they're so decicated and caring that haha it even surprised me at first. even needed some time to adjust to it la. amazing. haha like mw said today's the start of the mugging days le. and honestly once i start mugging. haha... well honestly it's not so much cos i want to get into a course or anything. i'm just really don't want to dui bu qi my tutors. through thick and thin they've been there for me. even like this year when i failed the jcts so horribly... they never gave up... constantly reassuring me that i should still do my best in my pdps and after i handover they'd always be there to help me get back up. honestly i can't think of a time that they were't there. whether it was for consultation or just to talk about how i feel or how i'm coping... they're really great tutors. and i've been so lucky to be under their care. really really don't want to dui bu qi them for the final exam. want to come back next year smiling away and thinking them and giving them the good news. haha such a short time left. i really don't know if that day'd ever come. sigh. but i have to try =)

sigh i just realised i've spent more than two hours typing all this. going to be midnight soon already. oh well. sigh. oh today's concert was cute. the emcees are good. haha. yimin broke the audi table while trying to hit the balloon. ahahha super entertaining la. i think we're really a crazy class. hahaha... the photo presentation was pretty short but nice. haha i did a stupid thing. i counted the number of photos i got caught in to amuse myself. nine leh. not bad. high proportion lor. lol =p haha really self amusement already. oops. sigh suddenly had a thought. i wonder if i'd ever get to see most of my classmates again after the As. cos most are scholars ma. so will leave s'pore de. sigh. nevermind. treasure the times then i suppose =)

yay i love tj la. i guess if i was given another choice to choose which school i'd want to be in... i'd choose tj again. =) love my classmates, the friends i've made, my pdp mates and yay! my tutors! woo hoo~~ i'm so going to miss this place

for college, for nation
passion, purpose, drive =)=)=)

haha realised i haven't been online for like four days. not bad. but haha i wish it was cos i was studying. apparently not. it's cos i've been sleeping right through when i get home all the way until the next day. this is so bad. i'm spending more time sleeping than studying. =( die. sigh. oh well. realised i've been doing a lot of non-study base things... like mandy's birthday celebration. being an unofficial tour guide at the tj open house. thanks to someone. oh well. i'm really still moving even slower than before the prelims. how how how =(=(=( sigh mrs ng is right. i need to focus. =(

-grins- first day of studying. haha okay fine not really. was more like trying to complete my homework which i still haven't... buttt... hey it's a good attempt yeah. haha. so much for all the super sleeping-the-whole-day-away days these weeks. horrible la. today was better. so now i know... the solution to not sleeping the days away is to force yourself to sit in the library... surely will do a bit of stuff de. =) haha oh fine. tuesday already. not much time left yeah. day one... yay... i don't know if i'm too late but wth... it's better than nothing yeah... yay! sounding pretty happy cos for once i can feel less stressed that i'm not studying. muahaha... need to get back to the prelim speed soon though. this is far from it =(=(=(

this is just day one =) come on man i'm looking forward to it. lol. stay optimistic =)

this is so bad. i swear i'm not even studying as much as i did for prelims. nooo... sigh but at least there's a little improvement. i actually started yesterday for like 3-4 hrs? with mr gew in the library. but i realised sth. once i reach home i'll just sleep right through... till the next day. rarh. today as well! went home... happily slept the entire day away in the end. champion. fine. i shall try to go study in the library after sch in the future. haha. results out le. three a level passes for once. but i guess... barely there? need to do something. i know less now then what i knew for the prelims. forgotten almost everything. not good. sigh. oh sigh our class is first for gp again. mrs lee was really nice to have rewarded us with all those goodies. but sadly i didn't feel that i deserved it. since i stepped into tj... i've fallen from one of those not too bad for gp people right to the bottom of the class. serious. and it's not like the cohort ranking helps either. this is terrible. never had to worry much about gp. now i do. ahh my english cannot make it. i'm on the brink of failing. it just gets worse and worse each time. sigh.

oh zhong qiu jie. kind of miss the celebrations we had back in ij... the lanterns, candles, the mooncake thing and the cai the mi yus hung on the lanterns thing. sigh oh well. anyway jean reminded me of graduation day coming. sigh. yes. it's true. i don't want to leave tj. damn.

omg. i'm so slack that i'm scaring myself. i'm worried that i'm not being worried enough to sit down and study proper. ironic isn't it. in a sort of oh-so-desperate measure, was just sitting here thinking of how in the world i should be trying to motivate myself at this point of time to study. then the question came to my mind. how do i want to remember my life in tj when i look back in the future? remember it for all the different activities? or for failing consistantly academically? =( at the same time by doing this i'm letting so many people down. how can i? sometimes people say that it's okay cos as long as you pass in tj.. should be okay for the As. but sometimes i just wonder how big the difference is. somehow i don't believe the difference it big. i don't believe it's very big at all. sigh i'm faring worse in the post prelim time than pre prelim time. how is this possible. not good. not good at all. please do something about it. =( today i shall have to start properly no matter what.

very random thing. omg. gew is killing worms now. =( loading them in cannons and firing them with them flying at an initial speed of 20ms-1 and ramming into a wall of 8m. now he's calculating the angle he should fire the worm with for it to hit the wall with a maximum ke. omg. ewww... =( oh. hahaha i nearly died when the bio lecturer asked us to picture the image of a worm in our minds today in relation to the prelim qn that had the lugworm in it. instead of thinking of how the lugworm takes in oxygen and how their haemoglobin's affinity for oxygen would be like... i was imagining all sort of things la... -like gew drowning the worms or exploding them or firing them. omg. such gross and horrible thoughts. yuck yuck yuck... =( -thinks mental torture- haha. yuck. omg the maggots thing is so sick. gew is traumatising my life. hahahaha. oh man... gross gross gross!

Sigh and the clock turns twelve
Exactly a month left from here.
and it marks the end of the 9th day of slacking. this is so bad. good rest but too long seriously. =(
i guess i really don't know what to say. how time flies
prelims weren't all that great. but i guess i have to move on from there.
like someone once told me- time is scarce. that's the challenge. how very true.
i can't keep procrastinating all the time.
oh no. okay fine. not going to blog until grad day. which is soon. ke yi de k. it's not that long a period of time. online yar probably. but don't blog k.
i need to start things going. ummm find the momentum. sigh.
come on. start go go go... don't ever stop thereafter.

suddenly remembered a poem our vp mr liu once read to us during our prelims...

IF by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

yes. i can.

arggh. fine. i'm really tired of this. everyday i'm put into all these situations. what do you want me to do? all the time i end up making decisions for everything. honestly. i hate making decisions too. but i'm always forced to. even simple things like going to eat. the normal scenerio in the car would be like dad cold war with mum mum cold war with dad. there's so much tension. then there goes the question where do you all want to go to eat. decisions need to be made faster cos already driving need to know where to head to next. -looks around- no one's answering. dad looks out of the window pissed. mum's annoyed. bros decide that the games on their phones are much more interesting. so no choice give an answer before the situtation escalates as usual. occasionally nah too far later bros have to travel down there to eat then go back up to go home. fine then they should make the decision as to where to go next. but no. simple thing like saying one to words to even answer no they find it such a difficult undoable task. so silence prevails again. until second irritated question as to where to go. obviously the tension in the car is going to explode soon but no. they still decide the games are more interesting. rather not say a single word. so annoying. so there it goes. i've to make split second decisions again. then after getting there. lets say maybe the place changed a little. not as nice as before... it's my fault for choosing such a place. i mean like wth. you were useless enough not to even be able to make simple decisions until others have to make it for you and you still want to complain. seriously i've never seen such un-opinionated people who cannot even make a single decision for themselves. even for simple things like that. i call that pathetic.
you all always say... just take care of your area- academics. we'll take care of everything else. but no. everyday i have to make so many decisions even for the most trivialous matters. when you all start cold war-ing each other. i'm always entrenched in the middle. i've to act as the communication point. the decision making point. the try to ease tensions terminal. all the different roles possible. do you think it's easy. having to consistantly judge the situation and think and decide what the best next possible move is all the time? it's really tiring. at school i face so much pressure for underperforming in such a good class. at home it's from the household. where do you want me to go then? most of the time i end up so tired from everything that i hardly even have the mood energy or time left to channel into my studies. when i don't do well... it's entirely my fault and it's for me to find out how to solve everything on my own as usual. always getting blamed. yes i admit it's partially my fault that i failed to prioritise well. but do you really think that everything that's happening around me never affects me? if i walk past you or something and fail to say hi i'm really sorry it's either i really didn't see you or my mind is somewhere else.
sigh i live in a complicated world. why can't things just be more simple. more handable. i just don't say anything. sigh saying any of this is not going to help. but hey i'm not some super human. i'm still a 18 year old human. i don't know what to do yet i know what to do when the time comes. sigh. what irony.