shi bai. hen shi bai. xiang fang qi. zhen de hen xiang fang qi. sigh i dunno what's going on. i think my patience with my studies is wearing very thin. getting quite frustrated. feel as if i'm going nowhere. like i just keep running and banging into the same wall without any success in getting past it. i dunno. it's like everytime i take a step in front some how i'll find myself sliding two steps back. bu zi zhe me zhuo cai hao. i dunno. i think cmi already. suddenly feeling super stressed up. cos i know that my standard is no where. and the paper's going to be really hard. still remember the vp telling me that getting all Es for the prelims means that i'd b progressing well for the As. means that it's damn hard to even pass the prelims la. i dunno what to do. seriously don't know what to do. i don't want to care. i don't want to try anymore. subconciously i already gave up, but some small part of me tells me that i'd regret if i stop. i dunno. kinda think i really gave up. just too tired of it. been like dunno just sleeping really early for er the past mth i think without doing much cos just too tired of it. was looking at biological membranes. like the first chapter of bio today. suddenly felt that that's it. i really dunno anything. doesn't help that i didn't take bio in the first three mths. really really missed out on a lot. suddenly realised that those chapters are really quite important. i dunno what to do. nearly cried when i saw it all. too overwhelming. i can't do this. really i can't do this anymore. i know it probably doesn't seem like it but i really ren le hen jiu. shou bu liao le. i still remember yimin telling me that mrs lee talked to her the other day and told her to take me as her role model. never to give up when you fall. just learn from it and pick yourself up and carry on. resiliance. still remember that i was super shocked when i heard that. quite well honoured that she thinks that of me but... i guess she has no idea... no idea how much i just want to give up everyday. especially when i'm stuck in a class where everyone's just so good and i'm no where near any of them. how pathetic i feel just going for lessons everyday whatmore do anything else. good i suppose that no one really found out that i feel that way. it's just that i refuse to have anyone know how i feel. always trying so hard to put up a strong front to show that i'm not affected by anything. still remember having people ask me how come i can ren everything that's going on and be so unaffected by comments or by like consistantly failing or anything. i guess that's where i changed a lot. changed the way i view stuff. if someone says that i can't do something i won't talk back or anything. be totally unaffected by anything. just take things in my stride. then i'll take that yea if you say that i can't do it the more i want to be able to do it to show you that i can if i want. the more you say the more i 'll prove you wrong that kind of thing. got quite suprised to have people trying to learn that from me. the way i see and react to things. i know things seem as if i'm totally reactionless but yeah it does affect me so. but i guess i forcably supress those feelings so that people will think that i'm alright all the time. suddenly i feel as i'm giving a false impression that i can be strong. perhaps chao kiat was right. i'm being strong. but too strong. maybe i should let people know how i feel sometimes. don't know. maybe he's right. like what he said. it's like a balloon filling up. some people will choose to release the air all the time. some at regular intervals, some just before the balloon bursts. guess i'm probably the latter. just before it bursts. or perhaps i hold on too long. until i just sort of break down when no one's around for a period of time. suddenly a bit confused. i just don't want people to see. don't want people to know. yeah maybe it's a bit like acting tough but i dunno maybe i'm just like that. actually i realised though i dun show it sometimes little things can make or break me depends on my mood. like after the nafta 2.4 when ha i got partially reprimanded for running. when she was like hey you used to be a very fast runner right? dunno kind of suddenly felt really sad lor. couldn't offer any answer but... yeah past tense. used to. the other time also... when someone was like watching me try to solve some question... then said sth like i dun believe you dunno this de. surely you'll know just that you never practice enough. yeah quite honoured that you think i'm smart enough to know everything but um maybe i just really don't know at the moment. really. i dunno kind of makes me feel as if i dui bu qi that person because that person believes so much that i can do it yet i fall keep falling short and keep failing so. i dunno. just arggh. i don't want pple to worry i dun want to keep failing pple. but right now i just can't keep myself in check anymore. i really wanna give up le. keep feeling that it's of no use. i dunno what i'm doing anymore and i don't want to care. arggh. i really dunno. =(

i fought the battle; i ran the race

interesting quote i came across today

hmmm saw the sch physio today. i think finally something that makes sense ba. probably meniscus injury. guess that explains a lot ba. the pain and sweling that time when it is overloaded... and the really gross clicking sounds and the cannot be straightened thing. she suspects that and something else that she's still trying to figure out. hmmm... i see haha. right. much better than being clueless about what's happening. and she said no 2.4! oh no. but waste my 25 points from the 5 items. i just need a c or better which confirm can one lar. just a matter of whether still can hit the a or not =/ ahh... nvm. have until next wed to decide. run lar hor? hahaha... sad. supposedly cannot join sports cca next time le (but you know i still will la. if not i'll die off of or something). oh well. damn sian this is week 8 already and i'm still no where. this sucks. i wanna give up now. but... how can i? i think i'm just too slack. what do you think? maybe i should sit down and study properly for once. maybe something might just go in miraculously

hmmm break now. didn't run the 2.4 just now. next wed i suppose. under the hot sun in the afternoon =( but anything beats running today la. should i bother to go see the physio tmr? i really don't know. i swear i'm retiring from running once the 2.4 is over at least until... uh next year or something. =( sigh i realised i really cannot catch up no matter what. won't even be able to finish learning my syllabus once before the prelims. not good lor. my bio is so pathetic. i just can't seem to remember all the facts. seem to be able to get stumped at the easiest questions. quite scared. i just don't remember anything i learn. very scary. if i go into the exam hall now. i know i confirm will fail all three subs until super cham. i dunno what to do. i dun feel as if i'm progressing. dun feel like i'm doing enough. dun't feel as if i'm disciplined to sit down and just study without prolonged procrastination. i just dunno what to do anymore. so so tired of all of this =( ahhh someone save me =(

i dun really know what to blog. chao kiat tells me to follow my heart. haha. hmm really tired these couple of days. no idea why. kind of keep dozing off. distracted. totally distracted. can't seem to concentrate on anything. can be looking and reading something but nothing's really going in. as in nothing's processing at all. i have no idea of what i'm even trying to read. all i see are letters. just a lot of letters and i don't know what word it spells out or says. i don't know what i'm doing these days. rarh. just a lot of things going through my mind i suppose. everything's moving very fast. things just keep adding on and adding on. new topics keep being added on also. and i can't seem to catch up on anything. i'm no where. just keep falling behind. kind of quite tired of everything. guess i'm really lucky to have friends who're always telling me not to give up now. sigh i dunno. anyway finally passed a test this year. biochem test. scraped through but not bad when most pple failed. first time. hopefully it means that something's improving for once? i really dunno. let's hope so. hmmm anyway just had nafta the 5 items. got my 25 pts. yay. was afraid sit and reach or like standing broad jump would kill me off or sth. but not bad lar. comfortable a s =) very stress lor. sit ups then everyone's like you doing 50 right? then paiseh so had to do the 50 in a min. then wanna jump also like orh you must go beyond 190cm k. pull ups also go to the station then i expect no less than 18 from you. then classmates also like expect more than that. then do 24 lor. dun wanna do le. wanna do shuttle run also like oh no i'm going to look so slow running next to you that kind of thing. nafta also a lot of pressure one lor. kaoz. now left 2.4. a bit scared. dun really know what it's going to be like. i dun care. i just wanna come in like 13+mins. i dun wanna chiong. just want a normal a. please dun pressure me. =( cos i know if i chiong i'll end up dying for the next couple of days weeks or whatever. anyway ahh i'm falling behind again. rarh. how how how =( quite scared of myself. scared that i will fang qi zi ji again. dunno whether i can or cannot get myself up the next time it happens already. it's becoming more and more difficult to. sigh. nvm. anyway chao kiat always makes a lot of sense =) hmm don't know what else to say le. cya

sigh kind of a weird feeling to have people worrying so much for me. i feel so so bad. i never liked having people worrying for me... i just find it... unfair that they have to worry about me even though they have so many other things to do or worry about. so i'd do everything in my capability to make everything look alright all the time no matter what the situation is. i never talk about my academics. just laugh it off if someone asks. i don't want anyone worrying. even if my knee's hurting a lot just by walking or even while sitting. i won't care. will just continue as far as possible without saying anything. sorry if i don't respond or seem very quite out of a sudden. just don't see the point of complaining or letting people know about it. might as well just ren it myself. if i have to run, i will. even during pe... the more it hurts the more i chiong to finish it faster. the faster i finish the less time i have to endure it in front of my classmates. i try hard not to let them know. that's why i'm always the first to disappear after pe. not that i want to. but i just don't want them to see. even if i can't cope, i'll try not to pass the workload to anyone. cos it's not fair. and i don't want them to know about my situation. seriously i just don't like having people worry about me. always try to minimise it. but having said that, realise i make the people closer to me worry more. cos yeah one way or another they'd find out a bit of what's happening. like running. they'd tell me not to run anymore. but the i'll still continue to run and chiong even faster cos i don't want other people to know. i'm really sorry. sorry to everyone who worries constantly about me... whether it may be academically... or physically. sorry...

sigh. i'm so evil. so so evil. why do i keep making people worry about me. i feel really bad now. i don't want anyone to worry about me. i need to do something about it. i want to come back next year and say yes i passed. yes i did well. yes i got into a uni. and yes i got into the course i wanted. ahh... but that seems so so far from reality. time is really running out. and i'm no where. seriously no where. kind of confused. i don't even know where to start. i don't know what i'm doing. and i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. arggh. i'm so evil =( rarh.

anyway got a suggestion that i should sign on should my grades not be able to make it for the actual As. something i actually thought of before. heh. maybe maybe... we'll see. sigh. but i don't want anyone worrying about me anymore. seriously. it's high time that i do something about it =(

yay! i finally know what i want. and i shall work towards it yes? -grins happily- i can make this happen.. if i just try hard enough =)

sigh. i'm tired. really tired. please give me a break. stop giving me a hard time. not like i don't have enough to think about already. arggh. i hate going to class =(

ahahaha.... omg. i just realised something. haha... stunning. lol. this is so random. hahahaha

handover today for hc. i suppose it didn't seem as sad is i thought it might be... maybe... cos we're all comforted by the fact that we've made so many great friends here and that the memories we share will last a life time. so honoured that nick the president of the hrc mentioned our beta hc for our major house function during his closing speech. haha just reminds us of all the things we went through. haha the months of preperations... and the endless obstacles we faced. months of preparation thawted by the rain, leaving us desperately trying to move the av equiptment back into the main block during a thunderstorm. our second attempt at holding the event destroyed by the polling day... our third and final scaled down success. it would have been better. but we were glad that it turned out as it was... considering all the circumstances we were under. haha our term started and ended with the rain. but i think we did great yeah. haha =p not bad lar considering we attract rain each time we attempt to orgainse something. our bbq event daunted by the rain. yet everyone kept going. pretty touching to see the entire house undre groundsheets bbqing in the rain as one. i suppose that really brought all the beta knights around much closer together. it was an event we'd never forget. all the funny and stupid things we do... the really full of rubbish highly entertaining no one seems to be interested having fun time meetings... really cool. so highly entertaining and lol engaging. but really productive. really glad for our decisiveness and efficiency. still remember the time the first and last time we ever ordered catered food... the food that came was so expensive yet it came in such a small portion. within minutes half the com was in bedok central sourcing for more food... while the other half was preparing for the function. haha so cool la. so glad that i've hc. yay =) some people say we do a lot of saikang... but hey.. we make sai kang look good yeah. lol! hahahaha... what crap =p something i'll never regret joining. =) 13th beta hc rocks














haha that's us...















all the stupid things we do...















but it's time to move on...














but we'll always be together anyway yeah =) yay
















haha oh. my direct junior. rocks =)

hmm jts today. not bad lar. the sports capts went shopping early. got all our gifts. got a nice light blue nike cap for qian hui. supposed to be lame. haha sports capt ma so bought a sports cap. oops. haha. then the juniors treated us to a movie. superman returns. been a long time since i last stepped into a movie theatre. haha yeah. anyway nah it's not a great movie. very... er. time consuming for such a short climax. uh huh. then we had dinner at breeks. haha the food there's not too bad lar. just a bit ex. then wahhh felt so bad lar. cos some pple ordered like free. super ex lar in the end. poor juniors. =/ oh well. haha. anyway after that haha super malu lor. froggie and edwin went to give the juniors the special entertainment gift. haha. all the junior hc guys had to line up in a row in front of us to blow up... hahahaha... a errr 15 inch inflatable dick.. okay. it's like damn sick lor. super gross entertainment lor. kaoz. super gross super malu. and super funny. haha oh well. went to esplanade after that... to take photos. haha dun have the photos of the entire coms yet. haven't gotten them. but i've er three indivdual photos from my phone? haha. really dark though cos i didn't bother to use the lights from my hp. lol. oops. let me try to upload it. kind of forgotten how to... haha.















rachie and me =)















froggy and me. haha froggy testing out his photo taking skills. not bad lar. hahaha...
















eevien and i

haha oh and i got a really nice jts present from qian hui lar. kind of think she spent a lot. oops. =/ oh well. but really really nice...















pretty flower =)
















guess what's inside this nice box? hahaha...
















so pretty la! =) thanks qian hui! =D

hahaha i think this photo uploading thing's like addictive. lol. fun to take funny pics with my phone. hahaha. damn dun have a pic with my direct junior! so sad lar. maybe wednesday during handover. haha. lalala. very random this few days. oops. haha. anyway really happy to handover to qian hui... haha oh she's a bballer too lor. so cool. i like =) haha she's a nice person la. i think she'll do well =) oh well... handover's really close liao. just like two days away. time to step down from hc. quite sad. think i know how the seniors felt last time when they were going to hand over to us ba. kind of miss them lor. oh well. but handing over's inevitable so yups. hmmm... wonder how wednesday will be like... oh well. back to school tmr. how sad. i don't want my results back. i already can predict what it'd be like so yeah. no way. i dun wan it back at all. =(

erm i have been tagged. lol.

1. Do the following WITHOUT complaints
2. Choose 5 person to do this after you completed yours
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with "I have been tagged!" then do this.

Currents
Current Mood: BLANK!
Current Taste: huh? errr...
Current Clothes: erm red t shirt, jeans and erm my black nike jacket? c'mon. i just got home lar. haha
Current Desktop: my 2 cute little baby cousins grinning =)
Current Toenail Colour: pink
Curent Time: 8.10 pm
Current Surroundings: hmm. walls? table? chairs? haha.
Current Annoyances: honestly? studies.
Current Thoughts: i need to start studying soon.

First
First Best Friends: hmm natalie? haha
First Crush: honestly i don't know and i don't remember.
First Music: erm. -thinks real hard- nursery rhymes a long long time ago? lol

Lasts
Last Cigarette: nono. not even planning to try
Last Drink: haha drink as in normal drink or er vodka that kind? lol.
Last Crush: if you know you know if you don't you don't. what even makes you so sure i even had one to begin with? lol.
Last Movie: oh gosh that was really awhile ago. errr... mission impossible 3?
Last Phone Call: eh? yinwei called last night to check on me
Last CD played: cd ar. jay chou's november's chaplin
Last song played: hmmm... let me check my phone... oh. amazing by westlife.

Have you ever
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: erm. i dun think so.
Have you ever broken the law: haha define law first. lol.
Have you ever been arrested: er no
Have you ever been on TV: yar. i think i climbed onto a tv before. lol. er if you consider those kind of videotape and then played on tv kind. it's still on tv right? haha.
Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: siao. haha crazy ar. lol.

5 things you are wearing: sounds like a repeat question? haha. erm red shirt, black jacket, jeans, earings, sunglasses... haha okay i kind of just bought them for fun. haha. fine. lol.
4 things you done today: eh. met rachel, kaiqin, yan ling, jean, dorothy... erm shopped? used my hp? er can see i'm really out of things to write. haha. i went online?
3 things you can hear right now: my typing. an incoming msg to my hp. er over my head by fray. nice nice song. haha
1 thing u do when you're bored:haha i dunno. what kind of question is that? if i'm bored i must have nothing better to do right? hahaha...

ehhh... cheryl jean rachel dorothy and hui xian

haha anyway i realised managed to meet quite a no of ij pple this week or so. really happy. haven't seen some of you in the longest time.. like since i went back to ij to get back my o level results lar. haha sorry for mia-ing so much. just haha kind of caught up doing other stuff? haha. hmmm... anyway jts for hc tmr. still remember last year's one. kind of miss the seniors and all... but oh well. yup life goes on. it's our turn! =p handover's really soon too.. time for me to slowly get myself to let go too... kinda hard i suppose. but it's inevitable yeah. lalala...

yay just picked dad up from the airport! he's back from denver. woo hoo~ =) oh the year ones completed their 72km awhile ago... after 30 hours. though not within the 21 hours but really glad they completed the entire thing. yayness... ooh. dad bought me nice nike stuff from the us! yay. haha the haven't come to singapore designs. nice nice. thankiew =) hahaha... a lot of chocolates and all at home now. yay... such a random random post! haha =)

sigh. sick. so tired. year one heading towards sji now. don't can meet the 21 hours liao. but really hope they will finish the entire 72km. i think they can and i think they will...

sigh. just cabbed back from the math jct. second exam in the row that i'm the first to disappear from the examination venue. horrendous. just.. arggh. i dunno what to do. this is totally pathetic. and i'm supposed to be year two already la. can i just jump off a building now or something? seriously... am i just stupid? or am just very stupid. i think the second option seems more apt. total rubbish la. i can even screw gp up. something that can't exactly be screwed that badly. seems like the log phase of the bio curve. each exam i screw up more and more at an excelerating rate. gp bio math and tmr chem. gone. just gone. jct is over for me. i dun even need to take the last paper. seriously. i already know the result. and when the time comes... everyone in class will be whining about why in the world they missed their A or Bs or why that A wasn't that of a better mark... while i'll be sitting there again listening to their whines... wondering yet again why in the world someone as pathetic as me is put into a class of this calibre... and why in the world i'm just so stupid. why i'm perpetually wondering how i'm going to pass... while everyone around me worries about how many distinctions they get. sigh. i dunno. right now i think i'm like the most pathetic soul on earth...

hmmm dad's birthday today. happy birthday! haha but he's in denver now. oh well. =/ hope it's fun over there. =) haha oh well... one more day to the start of jct. and i'm no where near done for any of the subjects. just hope... somehow i wun fail that badly... oh well... ahh. what am i doing here again. bleahx. i shall not blog from now till the cts are over. cannot cannot... no.. go back to bio kim go! shoo~

sigh. i need time... time is what i don't have now. suddenly thought of what jun sheng said this afternoon said.. time is scarce. that's the challenge. how true. then why do i keep wasting it. it's not like i have a lot of time to start off with. ahhh... what's wrong with me? i need to wake up. seriously. this cannot carry on. even my tutor's asking me when i'm stepping down. telling me that i have to step down asap and start studying to make up for everything i'm behind. it's not like i'm behind by a little only la. i'm behind by the entire syllabus. times three for three subjs. i am so smart. i let this happen. now i have to figure out a way to make it right. actually i don't have to figure a way out. i just need to spend time to study. i have to. sigh. ahh don't think about it anymore. sigh. what am i doing online? i should be studying. rarh... anyway this is so random but this is a song i that dunno why but i really like that keeps playing on my phone's walkman now...

Over my head (Cable Car) by Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind

Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

okay... back to bio =( sighhhh...

hmmm... am i always missing. like always not there? cos someone said that again today. just the other day when i went for a family bbq thing. my aunt was like hmmm then came closer to look... and she was -looks in disbelief- like kimberley is that you? you finally free enough to come ar? how come today so free don't have anything on? hmmmm... am i really that mia? i know like more than half the time i'm like in school or something.. but hmm really that bad meh? uh... i dunno. sigh. i'll be much free-er in time to come though. hmm. haha. but... hmmmm... okay... hmmmm

finally managed to make time to run a couple of rounds... quite glad about that. but from there kind of realised that i'm really quite screwed. ended up completing less rounds than i had wished. kind of ended up hobbling out like 2 rounds before my target round completion. damn. and it wasn't like a fast pace to me or anything. this is crap. okay so maybe i was like being funny trying to run when i already knew what was happening to me. bleahx. =( just a sudden random thought. if a person has a really really bad injury... i see no point in asking that person to continue. just stop and rest it's for the betterment of the future. hmmm yeah. random thought. dunno where it came from. haha

hmm recently... the normal pain from walking suddenly became a sharp pain each step i take. even when sitting, i can feel it hurting most of the time. kaileng told me it was most prob cos my knee has worn out or something. i dun feel like telling the doc. cos i dun wanna go back for physio anymore. and i don't want to rest. i have enough time to do so during the a's period i presume. i don't care. i can do it.. i'll just start slower than usual... then maybe build up slowly again. i'll control my steps. i see it more as a challenge. the more it's pulling me down, the more i have to do something about it. the more i have to beat it. and i will. especially for the 2.4 run in the later term. so have to get a nice timing. i don't care. i'm an oacian la. so have to get a max 12+min timing. no more. no way.

sigh. sometimes i really miss the bballing times. the times when we just run and run and run like nobody's business... run and sprint and run and sprint. so fun lar. especially loved the times when we played matches and like i could get the ball way behind the halfway line, while the defender is already past the halfway line... and still out sprint that person to get to the other end of the court and lay up like 10 over meters in front of that person. haha. all the satisifation i got from that. and all the shots. haha. it's really been a long time... i think i will so play like shit now. and seriously i dun run as fast as before anymore. damn. come to think of it... i do miss the 7 rounds warm ups followed by sprints or four corners.. and more sprints.. and more running... and finally 3-on 3 for hours before our sad like 5mins water break. and then back to like full court layups and 3-on-3s again... and shooting whereby if like hmm only 8 out of 10 penalties or 6 out of 10 3 pointers can save you from running another 10 rounds. haha no wonder i made it a point to make my shooting so precise in the past. lol. and the matches we played there after. and i miss the 7 rounds cool down. and the cool down exercises which came with it. damn i miss bball and the tracks and the courts. too bad it won't be there when i go back anymore cos the thing's been rebuilt. it will never look the same lar. no way. oh well. why in the world am i even talking about all these stuff now? haha. must have been some random thought again. i am being so random these days. haha.

anyway i so love oac too. so glad i have them. i sooo loveeee land lar. i wish i could go backpacking in some foreign country after the a's and navigate my way around with a map... orienteering! and a little transportation help here and there. omg lar. that's like a dream holiday can. woo hoo~~ and quite a number of us decided that we'll be coming back for the march expe next year liao. hope the future land dept will do a good job of it yeah. i'm sure they will =) lalala... and hope eng wei can make it also. ns lar. haha. my perpetual expe partner. it'd be weird going on my first expe without him as my partner or going w/o him around. haha. oh well... we'll see ba. lalala. quite wanna try out korbu lol. *hint* hahaha kiddinggg... shui bian lar. pick a nice mountain that serves the purpose and objectives of march expe can liao. just dun choose kinabalu or ophir can liao. haha i'm like talking to myself liao. haha too happy le. just changed phone today... to the w700i. dunno but i think i'm like too easily amused and excitable by the phone. hahaha... walkman phones rock sia =)

oh my such a long and full of crap entry i realised. haha. anyway, cham. not even a week left to jct. did i ever mention how very screwed i am? i'm like nowhere lar. and i dunno anything can. so so going to flunk the jcts this time round. shit lar. so so screwed. better not flunk it until single digit or something... or... lalala. i'm so so dead... bleahx. i better study properly tmr sia

all i need is a nice long run around the tracks. i'll be fine. =)

just got back from froggie's house awhile ago. though it's like always a small group of people turning up... but i seriously have to say i enjoyed it. i love my hc. totally cannot deny that. am happy today =D 13th beta hc rocks. =)
quite a sudden change of mood... but i dunno. i realised i've been very unhappy these couple of days... a lot more unhappy than usual. though i really try my best to make everything seem alright... make everything seem fine... but i don't think i managed to be as objective as before these few days. so many times i wanted to just give up. really tried. but sometimes i just can't seem to register things in my mind. maybe these few days it's not good for me to make decisions at all. if i even manage to make one that is. i dun really know exactly what's wrong. just some stuff pulling me down. but it's those kind of stuff that i guess will never be solved. maybe it will maybe it won't. cos it's something that i'll probably never bring up to the person. the element i like is just too important to me. i think only sheepie understands what i'm talking about and how i feel. honestly i don't want to care. but it just bugs me so. cos everytime something degrading is said about it... it's as good as stabbing me with each sentance they say. it really hurts. cos that thing is my life. and i pride it so. i know that they don't know and see it as just making joking comments... but though i make it seem as if i'm fine with everything and everything's okay, it really hurts me so inside. to a point that i nearly cried after that long meeting after punishment day. only sheepie knows. i mean like that thing's not solely mine. but that of some others too. but why those others seem to look down on it so much i don't understand. what's so bad about it? why these negative connotations all the time? just because most never liked it and just like partially got forced into it? if that's the case why not learn to like it? or any negative comments just keep it to yourselves unless it's constructive. cos it's really not funny at all. okay so maybe everything's meant as a joke. and maybe i view things more seriously because i'm not too happy about my own personal stuff like my studies. but after a long while it really is not funny anymore. it becomes somewhat... annoying.
i dunno. i think i'm just rambling about the same point. i don't want to be direct. cos it's not meant for anyone to understand. just want an indirect avenue to put out what i feel and what's been going on in my mind. no one needs to understand cos i'll never approach this thing i suppose. let them be. let everything be. i'll get used to it sometime. i just don't want to think of it anymore. i have more important stuff to do now. like study and pray hard for a miracle that somehow i can scrape out a pass for the jcts. i don't care. and i don't want to care.

sigh. it's like two weeks or less to the jcts. and i can't really seem to get myself going. i already know deep inside how badly i'm going to flunk this jcts. i don't know. even if i am going to flunk it, i should be trying to flunk it with relatively decent flunk grades. not all the rock bottom low almost reaching single digit or even single digit kind of fail. i don't know what to do. suddenly i feel... helpless...

june camp is over. honestly i don't really know what to say. mixed emotions i suppose. in a way i'm glad it's over. finally can pave the way for my studies. but on the other hand... quite worrying. and i don't really want to hand over. sigh. and i thought the jnr hc was all we would be worried about. don't really know what to say about the junior's performance... okay so physically they're not all that bad off. but... hmm they failed campcraft, sea, land. that's all the components of oac. and they didn't finish a single one. most disappointly, they chose to give up on the 72km orienteering. i don't think any batch has ever chosen to give up on 72km before. seriously. i think they're the first. precision orienteering test. there were people who didn't know how to use a compass. how to use pacing. how to find their current location even using the road signs around. no one at all passed precision. we came to realise... they don't know their stuff. most of them that is. and hey their pain threshold is really low. they gave up on the basis that they're too tired to continue. and that they had casualties-which was cos they have soaked feet and it felt sore? i dunno. i guess we were all really shocked when they called us to tell us that they wanted to give up. even though they knew that it was their last chance to even complete something for the entire june camp. though they already failed after passing the 22nd hour. but seriously i dunno how they did it. but at night they literally walked at 1km per hour. sigh. dunno la. anyway out of point. that's not the most important thing. the worst thing was... that their mentality is wrong. it's like so long as we survive through the camp no matter whether they fail or pass we'd eventually have to hand over to them some day. and they just keep dropping out everywhere... when actually they can do it one. oh and they don't even think it was wrong for them to have given up on the 72k. i dunno. it's like everything's wrong. the entire team's mentality is wrong. sigh. dunno. i really have nothing to say anymore. really makes me wonder if we failed as instructors... how are we going to handover like this?

hmm been awhile since i last posted. sports carnival, titans and batch gathering are all over. now it's just one day away from june camp that starts next week.

hmm sports carnival was... uh. nothing much to say la. just stunning. yeah. grace aijia shimin ain mo and i became like beta captains ball teams 1 2 3 4. haha i think the referee just closed one eye la. cos we a bit the pathetic already sia. basketball was okay la. just realised that some pple really very no sportsmanship. i mean like fine so you want to win but without any sportsmanship at all like what's the point. played with the alpha team. they like told aijia that they never played bball before then get the ball should just throw and don't keep it in posession. yeah right. think i'm dumb ar. i can see a bballer when i see one. then they good. push down the beta players.. then they take the ball away and what do they do? just ask one line. are you okay? then without waiting for a reply just start playing bball again. shocked. totally never seen this like of no sportsmanship players before la. not even at the nationals. so horrible. then stunning la. our juniors let so many events walk over. didn't even bother to look for subsitutes. we asked them whether they have enough teams or not. then that person just looked at us and said... oh the girls team redrew. then just sat back down and slacked. kaoz. not a surprise when beta's fire was the first to go. means last for sports carnival la. anyway haha even more shocking. we were in the hc room. then recieved a call needing more players for a certain game la. so okay we went. then still not enough pple. started calling people we know and people from the jnr hc themselves -like how come they dun know how to do that? to come la. then hmm we quite the pro la. got into the finals. then someone remarked to the jnr that called us down that beta quite pro ar in the finals. then that jnr replied- of cos! the team is i assemble one. walao! ain and i looked at each other la. stunning remark. woo hoo. the juniors rock. we were totally stunned yet again.

titans was quite okay la. super proud of the beta titans. think they did great =) we were so so super close to second. and pretty close to first. was like quite nervous for them throughout especially when i knew the results after every day of titans. but we don't have to win to prove that we've got a strong team la. we lagged from the individual events. cos yeah we all know what happened to our soccer players. our best bets la. sad sad. then we closed up the gaps until we were so so close on the last day. almost made it. but not important la. just shows that we're pro. we won the second day somemore. log pt leh. hahahahahaha. we are just so pro! hahahaha... beta titans rocks la. =) it can only get better in the following years. this year beta was the house with the most standards already. everyone agrees on that. so yeah quite happy. can can. next year they better do better errr under the jnr com. hopefully. haha. i'll be back i suppose. muahaha. anyway the seniors that came back for titans rocks sia. hahahaha. very interesting pple. glad i got to know them through titans

batch gathering was okay lar. many batches of seniors. i suppose finally we know who they are. always wondering what they look like from the writtings on the tables or ceilings. haha some i realise the names dun really look like the person leh. haha. dunno. lalala... interesting lar. been quite a while since we last saw saw our seniors also. prior to titans la...

hmm... tues spent so much time studying bio spa with yanling yinwei and arvin. haha super sian but first time i can say i really really tried hard to study. oh. i realised when arvin shops for food he really shops. impressed sia. haha froggy =) wed was the spa... whoa. not bad. actually knew what to write most of the time. though i still think it's a bit dumb. to speed write the 10 pages worth of answers within 1 hour. but at least i survived la. haha then went out with aijia and grace. quite fun la. photo taking sessions everywhere. haha i think pple think that we've gone crazy liao or something. haha. then went shopping... and ehh went to k box also. though i realise i really quite don't like that place. hahaha. oh well. yesterday went with froggy to orchard for lunch and to shop around before meeting the rest. haha. then mo joined us halfway. so funny. she paranoid liao sia. everytime the frog look at her she like wanna run away and hide. lol. esp after telling us she was going to china la. walao. hahahaha... so the frog and i decided to not do anything just say only see how she react. haha. sia la. we just look at her also she paranoid that we conspired to do something to her sia. damn funny. hahahaha. froggy rocks la. hahaha... then met ain rach and eevien. haha went to shop awhile also. but in the end also like didn't manage to buy anything for the jts. oops. but nevermind lar. still got time right. hahahaha...

ahh june camp tmr. haha. but i need to study sia. was talking to froggy yesterday over lunch ma. then suddenly realised right after my june camp i only have two weeks left to study for my jct. which is obviously not enough time. really need to chiong. but can't seem to do it. how how how.. froggy says that fail jct will just end up in a lot of remedial classes that sort of thing. sigh. but really quite scared not. i dun wanna fail jct again. =( how.. sigh. i need to study! help help helppp...

extreme disappointment. that's all i have to say. really disappointed by today. and i know that i'm definately not the only one so disappointed. sigh. the junior com never fails to surprise us. and today we were dealt with our ultimate suprise. totally no comments. so so disappointed. now i know what human politics really is about. now i know how popularity wins the rest. now i know how people can't make rationale decisions. now i know what a power struggle is. sigh. so disappointed. and we thought they were improving. i see we were wrong. just when we thought that we had put enough into them to realise what they were lacking of and what they need... we get this kind of rubbish. i came to realise now that capable people are always not necessarily elected. all you have to have is popularity. or to mix with the right people and psycho or brainwash them that you're a really good person and you'll get the positions you want. sigh. we shrunk the com. it's small enough. and now the capable people are not in the exco while the not half as capable people are.... sigh. honestly i think both vice capts are crap. we all agree. the capable ones weren't chosen. damn sad la. cannot believe we let it go through like that. the com is horrible. even people very against someone at the start at the end became the most pro-that person. cos he's capable motivating and cares for others. period. we agree that the sports sector will die. i mean like just look at who's succeeding us as sports capts and vice capt sports. how many people who will actually do work properly. i can count with my fingers. at most 1 or 2. seriously next year when i come back i can expect us to be last for every sporting arena. and house function i wonder what's going to happen. sigh.very sad. our sports captains mostly all the will clash and argue with each other... and will not be there people. sigh. okay la. i shouldn't say anything. just super disappointed with the elections. and disappointed with what happened there after. when all the juniors pangsei-ed us. didn't care about us and all... all that kind of stuff again. some kind of respect. i suppose quite a no of us feel it so hard when the postings were done cos it's horrible and we know the com will fail. horrible when we've put in so much time and effort to help keep beta at that standard and we dun wanna see everything we've done just go down the drain like that. i dun know. really sad. sad that the com seems so screwed. sad that i feel as if everything's a waste. feel as if i'm really stupid. really stupid to have spent so much time on hc if it was going to get screwed up anyway. sigh. really sad. maybe just maybe they can prove to better. we'll be waiting for them to earn our respect. for now i feel as if i really need to start studying after all the time wasted. we love 13th beta hc. sigh. =(

hc camp's over. i miss my house com. we're full of crap. i realised wherever we go... beta hc will make the place very noisy and full of crap. our debrief was the best. caw caw caw... haha omeg we're so full of crap. the camp was pretty disappointing lar. a lot of chao keng one. a lot of leeways here and there. but yet... haiz. and super disappointed with attitudes here and there la. shall not elaborate. had this long long debrief and thrash out. hope it does much good for the junior house com. maybe they'll be a bit more bonded next time round. anyway this year's shirt okay lar. not too bad. though i like black shirts, this white shirt not bad lar. i just wished that hc elections and camp could have been more formal and strict-like last year. oh well. dunno. let's hope so. elections for posting soon. hope they choose wisely

thurs was inflammable... like finally. we were so worried that it'd rain that we even set the wet weather plan as the no one priority if the weather looked threatening. the weather forecast didn't help either. said that it was going to rain. but hey though the thunder and lightning came, there was no rain! haha so it went along. so happy la. the function was okay la. not all that great. very scaled down from what was previously planned because of the problems from the last time we tried. oh well. but nonetheless quite impressive considering all the constraints we faced =) haha and not bad we're the first house to pull off a major house event without a band. hahaha. why are we so prooo! lol =p not bad la. =) and finally managed to solve all the adventure tower stuff just before the event itself so yeah quite happy that it ended up quite okay and properly done. haha. oh. right. some guy scared me though. was offering them the happy food ma. then there was this guy who kept insisting on wanting to er personally feed me one of the sweets. then i was like it's okay... then he was like c'mon la then after that i dance the cannibal king with with you k. omg haha i was a bit the freaked out but cannot show it ma. so just haha it's okay then walk off. haha scary scary. hope it doesn't happen again. haha. anyway it rained right after the last song finished playing and the food reception started. so lucky. so run off to get all the equiptment in. haha how ept. started off our first function with rain and finally end with the major house function ending with rain also. haha really aquesous. the water house. we literally bring in the rain all the time. haha. but fun la. glad that we pulled it off without the rain. no complaints =) oh man. during the preperations zhi zhan told me that i became more girly. really meh. is that good or bad. the way it sounded it sounded bad. oh no. how now. heh. hahahahaha... oh well. but still happy that all the tying of the fire structure, soaking and drying stuff in kerosine, tying of tripods and banners... and all the fire stuff didn't go to waste. thank goodness it didn't rain =D

some people can just be so.... arggh. forget it. i've absoultely nothing to say.

elections today =) i like. haha. so interesting can. pap won again. good good. i like. haha. and the two opposition candidates i like got their constituencies as well. very good =) damn didn't manage to catch a proper rally. especially one by the opposition party... the pong pasir or hougang one. damn. next time round. haha. probably can vote by then.. -grins away- hahaha... oh well anyway went to ms lim's house for the baby shower. sooo cute can the baby.. ahaha. then went orchard to er supposedly go recce with liesel and the rest of some of the people of the hc. hahaha. anyway we ended up going on a major shopping spree. both feeling so accomplished today. got quite a number of stuff each of us wanted. ahaha. we even got a team jersey la. haha. nice we bought ours already just need to wait for the others to argee to buying it as well. then can get it done and completed before titans hopefully =) black adiddas. so nice and sei. nice nice. =) hahaha. i like shopping with liesel yay =) haha. eh. most of us-oac went to watch mission impossible 3 also. not too bad la. haha. been a long time since i last stepped into a theatre already. haha. oh well. shopping is fun =) hmmm... haha. but.. haha. i'm still not doing what i'm supposed to be doing. studying. heh. this is not good. no idea why every single day for this entire week i'll just fall asleep once i get home. no idea why i'm so tired everyday. blah dunno =( oh they're going kayaking tmr. and i still can't go =( this sucks. hmm saw the ad for the shape competition. the 5km run sounds fun. just for the fun of it. haha nice... feel like joining. in july... =) hmmm... haha =)

maybe i'm just living in a lie. a seemingly normal enviroment i created for myself. i keep on trying to think that everything will be okay. but maybe it just isn't. perhaps i was wrong. perhaps i thought that i could just carry on like this everyday. but this is not the way. it's time to change and do something about it. short of time short of everything. stretched but yet not so streched. short of time but perhaps misusing the occasional free times. always telling myself to but yet nothing ever happens. kim, you really need to do something about it. before it's too late.

hmmm anyway i dunno. realised my form teacher's so brave. she still continued to teach us- though i dun take physics anymore, come for civics and even went through the parents teacher dialogue the other day. though she constantly looked quite pale and tired... we never knew what had happened. not until today. our chem tutor let us know. no wonder. her husband passed away. he fell in the hotel in china. such an unexpected death. and was during that mardi gras period somemore. can just imagine all that she had to go through just go get the body back while grieving and still continuing to take care of us all this while until the body finally returned to singapore today. so brave and so professional. new found respect for her.

just some random thoughts here and there i suppose. i dunno rubbished post. ignore it.

hmmm. last day of hc nominations for the year ones le. haha. still remember... a year ago... kept doing everythign to aviod the hc booths. like purposely taking longer paths to the canteen and all. haha. was so afraid that i'll never be able to juggle it with oac. so afraid that i wasn't up to it. though it was something that i wanted after orientation one. but now a year later... i find myself not wanting to hand it over. haha. honestly hc was like some really last minute decision for me. like when the booth was about to close then finally agreed to it. kept wondering that time if i did the wrong thing. but i suppose a year later... i got the answer loud and clear. nominee briefing tmr. interviews really soon too. then comes the camp as well. and finally handover. really quite the she bu de let go... i love my com. really glad to have such a great com. makes tj so much more fun to be in. haha. know the day to handover will come soon... but... oh well. treasure it while it lasts. nothing lasts forever i suppose... haha... just thoughts

hmm. sigh. third. okay la. as long as not last can liao. was quite worried that we'd get last. but i dunno la. maybe it's just the feeling. really tried le. sigh. feel like it's all my fault la. stupid. get hospitalised for so long. then come back that time become super the rushed for time. especially when it was about the same time as the major house function. then dunno la. i dunno. the feeling i get is that it could have been better. a lot better. a lot more orgainsed. a lot more... sigh. i dunno la. though arvin told me to be proud of it esp when i handled the track meet alone.. but i dunno. i dun think it's a superb job. probably just ensuring me ba. really i dun think it was well done or anything. i dunno. but after staying back for every heats, substituting in for events, and just like trying so hard to get everything going relatively single handedly quite a fair bit of the time... i suppose getting third is like... i dunno. just a horrible feeling attached to it. maybe cos one would hope for more thereafter. but... dunno la. just feel as if... sigh. why am i even thinking so much into this. it's over. but hmmm i'm really lucky to have pple like arvin there in the com loh. always there to help me out... hmmm ever heard of the guide to success? the thing we always get for bio spas? well mohana and i are so going to come out with a guide to success for sporting events. specifically, road run and track and field meet. mohakim publication. lol. then the next time we come back the following year we expect to see beta be first for everything liao. haha. right. hopefully la. hmm glad track meet's over. parents teacher dialogue also. now i can be that little bit free-er. that's good. cos kim really really needs to start studying...

sigh. =( i dunno. track and field meet tmr. and i still find it the most meaningless event ever. seriously la. i mean like... for road run, everyone can run so mass participation is possible. sports carnival.. with such an array of sporting events available, there is almost surely a sport that each person can play. so again there will be participation... but track and field? it's like entirely crafted out for the trackers to win or something. like hardly anyone knows how to do stuff like discus javelin and triple jump. go there just kena owned by the trackers. not much competition. no fight. serious. i don't see the point of the meet. and it's not like people are actually interested in joining it also. i don't know. i think even swim meets make more sense. especially in tj where everyone can swim, courtesy of mass swimming for pe. at least pple will know what they're doing. unlike track and field where even during their turns for the event, one would still be wondering how to do what they're supposed to do. so rubbished la. dunno la. somehow hoping it'll rain tmr. rain like there's no tomorrow so that the meet will be cancelled. like permanently cancelled. but oh well. i wish la. shall just get it over and done with. then can concentrate on other things liao. good good. the track and field lasted too long le. all the heats and postponing. and postponing of the entire event also. sigh. glad it's going to be over. honestly haven't gotten much help for this meet. cos everyone was so involved in the house function. until it was postponed. then i suppose finally got a little help here and there. but i dunno la. couldn't even go for a medical checkup in peace knowing that everything will be fine over at the heats side. especially on a day when arvin's got to run. cos it's like.. dunno la. dunno where everyone is sometimes also. always the same pple helping me out... oh well. anything la. shan't think about it anymore. oh anyway suddenly got asked to announce the current track and field standings to the cohort just now. to er get the people excited. so sudden. where got time for mental preperation. heh. oh well. but guess i'm okay with talking to a lot of people at once now ba. since out of a sudden i'm having to do such stuff. haha. it's really not that bad. haha. hmmm i miss bball =( been a long long time since i played a game. been quite awhile since i last shot also. now like reteaching myself how to shoot. haha. i wanna play bball for sports carnival again this year! eee. parents teacher dialogue tmr. sighhh... oh well. like that loh. what can i do. heh. =( sighhhh... anyway still love this song. if i'm sad it somehow makes me feel that little bit happier? (yeah though it's a sad song) and when i'm happy, it just makes me happier! lol. oh well. eee track meet tmr. oh well.

珊瑚海/ 周杰伦

海平面远方开始阴霾 悲伤要怎么平静纯白
我的脸上 始终挟带 一抹浅浅的无奈

你用唇语说你要离开 那难过无声慢了下来
汹涌潮水 你听明白 不是浪而是泪海

转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外
我们的爱(我们的爱) 差异一直存在 (回不来) 风中尘埃 (等待) 竟累积成伤害

转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来 蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此(你我都) 不够成熟坦白 (不应该) 热情不再 (真爱) 笑容勉强不来
爱深埋珊瑚海

毁坏的沙雕如何重来 有裂痕的爱怎么重盖
只是一切 结束太快 你说你无法释怀

贝壳里隐藏什么期待 我们也已经无心再猜
面向海风 咸咸的爱 尝不出还有未来

转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来 海鸟跟鱼相爱 只是一场意外

我们的爱(我们的爱) 差异一直存在 (回不来) 风中尘埃 (等待) 竟累积成伤害

转身离开 (你有话说不出来) 分手说不出来 蔚蓝的珊瑚海 错过瞬间苍白
当初彼此(你我都) 不够成熟坦白 (不应该) 热情不再 (真爱) 笑容勉强不来
爱深埋珊瑚海

爱深埋珊瑚海

tired... really very tired... too tired to study... too tired to concentrate... too tired to keep trying to stay awake... too tired to scold... too tired to yell... too tired to think. these few days... don't think i really know what i'm doing whatsoever. i don't know... perhaps... a short break will do some good? the weekends ba. looking forward to it. really glad the written report for the fair is finally totally done. now i won't have to try pulling out time for it anymore. no more tests for the week. good good. sigh. anyway i realised my trainings always end on a very sad and solem mood. is it cos scold too much le each training? but like it's needed la. dunno la. didn't have much to say during today's training. too disappointed too tired. er why am i talking about that? i dunno! -whines away- ha. anyway today's mass civics was the talk entitled "how not to marry a jerk" heh. right. was funny la. but errr like no substance in the talk. a bit the wasted my time. and haha not that i wanna complain.. but that guy's english is really... er... yeah. thought guest speakers always have to speak in proper english. like practically perfect english that kind? think that was the way in ij or something. or jo teo will comment about it in class.. how the presenter's presentation skills were... how articulate... how the standard of english is. hahaha. those like of stuff. haha. ahh i'm no link-ing. honestly i don't really know what i'm talking about. this is a rubbished post. bleahx. wanna sleep le. dun feel like doing anything. heh...

hmmm... doing somemore thinking. should really sit down and start studying. took a cab back that day after mardi gras. then was talking to the cab uncle. heh. conversing in mandrin la. but haha shall just summarise it in english. was talking to be about jcs and polys... and he kept tellling me that jc's really tough... poly seems easier and more carefree and people tend to do better there... but since i'm already in jc, must make the best out of it... and at the end of the trip... he was like make sure you study k. most important thing to do is to study well and get good results. don't waste your time in jc. especially if after that cannot make it then go over to poly. five years is a super long time. hmmmm... interesting things to think about i suppose. never really struck me that hard. okay. so maybe it did before. but i never really had all the time in the world to think about it. sigh. really should start. start soon. latest start after track and field meet is over. sigh. it's really quite late already. maybe too late already. but it's better late than never i suppose. don't want to be regretting at the end of the day. need to try harder. a lot harder...

hmm... just got back a short while ago from mardi gras. okay la. didn't expect it to really be that much of a college event. i suppose it succeeded in involving a lot of people. ended school super early today. like er one period after assembly. so ended at 840? super early can. couldn't believe i actually went to school for one period. if i had known.... heh. anyway pw results came out le. not all that great. but suppose it was expected la. cos they were telling us 99.3% got band one or two. so to me couldn't be good. cos if it was good they'd tell us the percentage band one not one and two. basically meant majority of the school got two la. i don't fall for such things one loh. anyway got what i predicted. hmm. written report pulled us down a lot until yeah like that la. but okay i suppose. quite happy with the oral report comments. lol. and then individual eom one. haha. oh well. anyway haha i can become sai kang warrior liao. carry so many tables and benches again. rarh. hahaha. oh well at least got time to bathe and change after that. haha. formal dressing is nice. =) hmm. oh well. anyway mobile selling is horrible. so tiring and all. maybe it's cos i happily decided to wear slippers or something but yeah. oh well. don't know. in the end just anyhow zham la. see anyone just ask liao. dun care. haha. a bit weird la. but i suppose it's the most effective way ba. didn't get to see most of the performances. so sad la. i wanna watch! sigh. nevermind maybe two years later i might just pop by. just maybe. heh. glad it's over. though i still kind of want to catch the performances. oh well. oh yeah that mr marcus tan can sing la! i like that song he sang. haha. so nice. lol. still remember a couple of days before was er going to attempt a tutorial at one of the benches near the stage there. then suddenly a group of teachers started practicing for mardi gras. then was like wow okay so some of them can really sing. then just put everything down and listened. lol. nice nice. haha. so tired now. oh just one comment about yesterday. pancake day is rubbished. so waste the school's resources and it's such a waste of er frozen prata doughs and all. horrible la. especially the games. ended up figuring it ourselves and trying them out before the thing started so that hc will not be so malu if it fails. horrible la. always give us such crap games expect us to excute them. then the game itself so horrible until we change also cannot save it.. so spoil hc's image la. cos everyone thinks is we come out with it de. rarh. always like that. =( oh well. heck it la. so glad tmr's a holiday... so so tired...

was thinking about things last night. realised... it's really been quite fast. just like that i've spent nearly one and a half years in tj. how time pasts. only half a year left in tj. not much time. but yet i haven't started studying. though pple have been telling me to start at the start of march before it's too late... now a month later.. nothing has changed. still as lost as ever. if i'm to wait till handover. or at least till the major events are up, will there be enough time. perhaps there is some time here and there which i fail to manage still. lousy time management. perhaps i'm focusing on the wrong thing. perhaps i'm just not trying hard enough. perhaps... sigh. really have to start doing something about this. was talking to mr fun the other day... asked how i'm coping.. answered the usual answer.. like that loh. then he was like not too well right? then yups no choice to but to say yes. told me to hold on and keep going again. then he asked what my aim for this year's jct was. i replied... to pass. he was like. no cannot. too low. aim for at least a d for all subjects. can one. but dunno la i like of don't have the confidence that i can even scrape out passes, what more ds. then he started telling me about how one of the swimming captains kept failing even until the prelims.. but then after that he really chionged and got two as and one b. haha. so heartening. maybe there is a chance after all? just maybe... but evenmoreso, i have to start... start studying

ahh. girl catagory trailing gamma by quite a lot le. alpha catching up also! cham. must be cos yesterday's field events... TOTALLY zero points can. omg la. should have anyhow played discus. only four pple! but 400m hurdles during that time la. but discus more points! but concurrent events! ahh... oh man. but how can zero points. maybe is cos i too busy handling the track side that never really go over to the field side much to find out whether got enough pple reporting? sigh. feeling like it's entirely my fault la. though can't be in two places at any one time but still... dunno la. maybe neglected it a bit. crap. damn sad la. dun care le. long jump must... aim top5.. somehow. so sad la. sigh. dun care. more or less figured out long jump today. then hopefully tuesday can help pull up the points somemore. sigh. but jump until knee wanna die again. and ankle's being weird. shall rest it one two days then try again. dun care. though i dun jump the trackers style... but at least got one or two super far jumps here and there. must aim for them again on the actual day itself. determined to get some points out of long jump. i don't care le. just chiong...

hmm second day of heats already. this is tiring. ha. ran the 400m hurdles today. one of the funniest races of my life la. quite the malu-ating. died-ed laughing. but anything la. as long as confirm got points... dun take is bai bu na loh. lucky got people to help me sub into the rest of the spots for the hurdles for the house. confirm got points de ma. even if last also can. heh. but after saying that. no no i'm not doing hurdles again. it's scary. i'd rather die sprinting the 400m straight. heh. nvm. still got long jump. need to figure that one out by this week. then got one more space. so can sub any event later on when not enough pple. then just go for the points. heh. hopefully is a relatively long d run? dun really wanna sprint le. knee. oh well. hope it's not another funny event. this year really take all the funny events that not many pple join. cos less pple join means more chances of top 8 which means can get points. so hmm go for it la. dun care liao. just take the points. haha. hmm. still got the relay events. kim needs to start running. haven't been running for so long cos still on mc. but heck it la. points more important now. =) so far ranking of the houses... beta girls first. then er guys last. but cos never count all the running events yet ma. like the 100m, 200m, 800m, 3000m ma. ahahaha. all the almost sure will win one. think the 110 hurdles also. heh. but gamma and alpha doing quite well leh. a bit worried. but nvm. as long as not last. as good as possible can liao. heh. come on.. just keep going. go for it. whatever points that can be gotten. just take liaoz. dun care. from today onwards... chiong!

writting a stupid scientific report. i am bored. came across this site.

Everything Pizza

Diverse and adaptable You enjoy the full buffet of life It's hard to you play favorites with friends... or flavors There's very little that you dislike!

What's Your Pizza Personality?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory

You want to have your cake... and everyone else's. Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too! You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship. You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

wth i am so bored. randomly choosing funny sounding quizes to do. haha. one more. so so bored

You Are Heineken

You appreciate a good beer, but you're not a snob about it. You like your beer mild and easy to drink, so you can concentrate on being drunk. Overall, you're a friendly drunk who's likely to buy a whole round for your friends... many times. Sometimes you can be a bit boring when you drink. You may be prone to go on about topics no one cares about.

What's Your Beer Personality?

ahahaha these stuff dun make sense! hahaha. oh man. the report is that boring to such an extent that i'm doing weird quizzes. oh no... haha... hmmm chem spa tmr but i dun care le. heh. just writting down observations right. how bad can it get. haha. but then again i never know. ahh. not making sense. bored and tired. rarh. can't swim for at least the next 2-3 months. this sucks. that means i will miss all my swimming pe. no fun. i wanna swim! -whines irritatedly- anyway the steriods seems to have more side effects than i thought? it'd probably increse the eye pressure... and makes it easier to get eye infections. heh. no wonder they die die want me to come back within seven days. so see if.. er. anything happened. heh. i still can't imagine how high a hurdle is. guess i'll know soon. rarh. i'm self entertaining. not good. too tired. not thinking straight already... not making sense. ahh what am i doing. no more weird quizzes. that's it. heh

hmm. looking back... done a lot of things i would'nt usually do in just one week. somehow managed to pull through talking at the house dialogue to brief about sports day and making er a morning announcement. things i never would have thought i would ever have the courage to do. too many people. too much of a frightening thought. maybe these were just excuses i've been giving myself all these while. it really isn't too bad. managed to get the sports day stuff in on time. settle the student official stuff. finish up the food orienteering proposal. finish all the preperation work for the function which we- fire com, stayed back so late for so many days to test the mechanisms and tie structures and all. managed to pon practically the entire day of lessons for the function. oh well. though it rained. i suppose it was something we'd remember for a long time to come. those of us stuck under the tennis tentage in the middle of the assembly grounds during the lightning storm trying to bring the av equipment into the shelter. quite sad kind of really won't have much time for the next round of preperations when the next function comes... even sadder that all the preperation work that took so long had all gone to a waste. okay. maybe waste isn't the word. through this i finally realised who would be the ones who are always there and those who will always be there to help you. especially when i was rushing all the sports day stuff and doing the function preparations at the same time. maybe managing to accomplish so many things within a week that was so jam packed just goes to show how lousy my time management for normal days is. how horribly unproductive they are. something to think about. sigh. had a stupid thought that i should retain myself. cos my studies are seriously nowhere. and i don't think i have the time to catch up nearing two years of work within such a short period of time. maybe i really have to try a lot a lot harder and just see how it goes. sigh. such a distressing thought. don't want to regret anything anymore. time management and time to study. especially after sports day passes. no excuses for anything. i don't want anything to go wrong for the rest of this year.

disappointed. disheartened.

i really don't like human politics.

haha. let's see how i'm going to suvive the next week. preperations for the major house function. the function itself. food orienteering proposal and event. sports day forms and getting pple to join. still got the long report to write. haha. wish me luck... nothing's going to go wrong... no way...

hmm back to school. everything's like quite fast paced now. haha maybe cos this month is just er a busy one. ran a round with the year ones for punishment. just wanted to see how i'll survive it. ha. one of the seemingly longest 400m runs i've ever had. been so so long since i last ran. not good. but then again i'm not really supposed to be running? haha. oops. just testing. don't know la. feel a bit the pathetic. nothing much i can really do. quite rubbished. if i use my right eye to look at the whiteboard. even if it's filled with writtings.. i'll only see one patch of white. no writtings at all. so crapped. nearly banged into a couple of lamp posts. er walked into some cone. er. dunno what i'm doing. hmm doc said on mon that the effects of the previous treatment still hadn't cleared. too strong. so have to wait around two weeks before starting me on some kind of steriods for the eye. er. dunno. haha. i'm lost for everything now. academically. only thing i'm more or less getting is discrete random variables. like how to fine E(x) that kind. but dunno when to use it in the context of what question that kind of thing. -shrugs- oops. just some quite random thoughts. sigh. think pple have been covering up a lot for me especially since i mia-ed so long from school. feel quite bad. haven't been of much help for the function i feel. and track and field meet also. like so bad la. have to start helping out more liao... feel so bad la.

haha oh another random thought. saw the er commonwealth games. gymnastics. can't believe i was a gymnast for so many years la. whole of primary school plus a bit of kindergarten also i think. omg la. i'm so lousy. can't even do a single thing of even the basic routines anymore. so lousyyy.... but then again... so many years liao... hahahahahaha...

hmm gamma ice cream party. dunno how it went. alpha's major function's this friday. beat us by a week. heh. but ours will be better =) haha. oh. timetable changed. like finally. new timetable's so much better. ends earlier. previously the earliest day was like 415. now the latest day's ard 425? somewhere there. rocks. friday ends 1155. just before 12. rocks if there's no pdp on that day. monday rocks too 1250! woo hoo. haha... but tues 330. but oh well. totally can't complain. much better. haha. realised i'm seriously being very random today. ha. just felt like writting something i suppose. heh. 11.38pm liao. and i still haven't studied for bio spa or finished the math diagnostic test which i have yet to hand in. hmm. should go now. no random thoughts anymore either. ha. time to stardeee-hopefully. if i dun fall asleep half way. ha.

a good leader is also a good follower.
how very true...
haha anyway no idea how in the world i'm going to suvive school when school start again on monday. could barely survive a single lecture on friday. hahaha. this is going to be... so interesting... anyway sports day coming liao. haven't exactly done anything yet. the records book since so long ago. should do it soon too. sze sian just reminded me aout food orienteering. heh. what else do i need to do for now? oh. coming house function too. okay. hmm. a lot of homework. what else... haha. suddenly trying to remember everything. oops. looks like i've been doing nothing for too long ever since i've been missing school for THAT reason. haha. trying to revive my memory a bit. rarh. not really working i guess. haha. oh man. ignore this. just random thoughts in the middle of no where. haha...

hmm. maybe i should explain what happened that haha landed me in there for so long. eh. k cos friday i woke up with red eye too swollen to be opened. so skipped school... went to the gp... said that i had a cornea ulcer gave me some antibiotic eyedrops and yeah if it improves then good if it doesn't go back. heh. so saturday yeah became worse. vision in the right eye got blocked entirely because the ulcer was in the centre of the cornea and well it became er sort of larger? so sunday went back and got immediate referral to ttsh a & e... yeah. apparently quite bad so was admitted in. the ulcer was caused by abrasion of the contact lens with the eye. so yeah. put me on those stronger antibiotic eyedrops every 30 mins including sleeping time for the first few days until it showed signs of improvement. heh. lucky it kind of responded to those eyedrops la. vision sucks. cos all i could see was nothing but a sheet of white. so kind of survived 7 days attempting to read stuff mostly with one eye. tiring. anyway shan't talk about the rest. heh. had to go back to ttsh again today. beginning to be able to see numbers with that eye. haha good. but thing is it'll never fully recover. so yeah eyesight will become permanently blurrer. oh well. like that loh. and hmm i'm not allowed to go swimming? so looks like i'll spend half my pe time er. slacking. ha. sad. to think i was actually looking forward to mass swimming =( oh well. anyway probably have to stay away from contacts liao. doc says this time round it's already a major complication and next time round might not be so lucky. already lucky that it actually responded to the treatment and eyesight's slowly coming back. though there's thinning of the cornea and it kind of caused everything to be like very inflammed that kind of thing. oh well. i sound draggy. haha. one incident i won't wanna talk about again so yeah. bleahx. must go back on thurs again to make sure it's stabilised. =( rarh. oh well. just ranting now. heh. sigh. everyone's telling me to study nowadays. guess what mw said yesterday put everything into retrospective for me ba. have to start studying now. if not when the time comes it'll be too late. don't wanna regret next year when i get my results back. but somehow... i don't know. but i'm a bit lost as to how start... hmm. sigh.

been in hospital for 7 long days. boring stuff. finally. er. released today. love that doctor. for giving me the option to go home. muahaha. long awaited question. though it came a day too late. why wasn't he there yesterday? oh well. sigh. missed a lot of stuff this past 7 days. missed the house event. missed night cycling. and now missing the march expedition. sigh. this sucks. sigh i wanna go... =(
I MISS THE OACIANS!
rarh. wonder how they're doing now. sigh. can't wait for evaluation day to come so that i can see them again. sigh. one week. a lot to catch up on as well. add that with the whole of last year's work and this year's work as well. woo hoo. i'm going to have hell of a time. math test on the first day of school when it reopens. ha. cos kind of obviously didn't get above 50 marks for last year's promos. heh. still haven't passed a single test this year. this is so good. sigh. long long mc. now even allowed to go swimming now. so what can i do? not exactly supposed to run to swim to read too much to do anything. rarh. i'm highly... restricted. sigh. don't know la. need to study... catch up. or at least er fill in those blank notes and maybe tutorials too? bleahx. sigh... but i'm tired. so so tired. too tired to carry on...

sigh. a level results came out today. honestly... i'm worried. really really very worried. hmm ao chinese results came out today also. sigh some bad day can. lectures left me a bit the half asleep. then came gp tutorial in which i got back my essay which i failed ridiculously. like really super bad. then okay loh. anything. then came mass civics. wonderful. the principal suddenly wanted to talk to the student leaders about all the concerns of the students and all... then yeah. kind of no choice but to er sit in for the discussion. which kind of took up my lunch time. so had like 5mins to find mum to get something impt before rushing to lt1 to get ao chinese back. the more time passed while waiting, the more convinced i was that i failed chinese and so have to retake it. serious. not many pple seemed to be doing well for chinese. then instead of wishing to just scrape a basic pass of D7, i ended up mentally preparing myself to get D7 or below. prepared to see E8 and F9. serious. was waiting to see it already. then like everyone seemed so jing zhang. was just sitting there thinking to myself that i'll just turn away the moment i see the number eight or nine. immune to failing things already. sigh. then went and looked. okay worst of the class. kind of expected. but er passed. but obviously not good la. dunno la. then pple asking me how i did loh. aiya whatever la. and not intending to retake.... i can't do it anymore. nah. no more. leave it as that. give up already anyway. then year twos got results back also. knew about the math results since math lecture. then dunno la. the statistics sounded reasonable. but apparently worse than the previous year. don't know. seemed pretty good to me. hmm. but number of four as dropped quite a fair bit. heh. besides the point. anyway didn't hear much good news from them also. then dunno la. felt a bit the sad. then added with the ao thing earlier. felt really like crap la. especially at the arp at the adventure tower. like got the feeling of helplessness. like i didn't know what to do or what to say to people. sigh. worried for the senior batch. worried for friends. and suddenly... but surely.... not only me la. we got worried too. suddenly it was like something woke me up. snapped me out of my current state. cos like some of us are fairing a lot worse than the senior batch. like the never passed before that kind. then was thinking. do i really want to end up like two years ago. when i got my o level results back. ended up crying. yeah sure they were all as. but still the final grade... not good enough. do i really want to regret this time round? next year at this time... can i confidently wait for my results and say hey i'll even manage out a basic pass of like e or os? maybe it's time for me to wake up of my dream. i've been dreaming for too long. time to start studying. especially after this month and probably next month. after most of my major events are up. then maybe can concentrate more. anyway that will come when it comes. still more worried for others. sigh. hope everyone will be fine... and that they will stay happy... kind of miss the senior batch of pple. ahh... okay. they will be fine. yups. they will. but... sigh. don't know. getting a bit the distracted while typing this. not so coherent thoughts. heh. just thinking and thinking. scared for them. worried for them. haiz. this is definately not a good day... not a good day at all.

sigh. this is about it. can i just give up now? so so tired of everything. nothing will ever change will it. things never change. and people can be so pretentious at times. i don't understand why. i don't see the use of trying anymore. i don't see the point of rushing everywhere and trying to get stuff done all the time. i don't see a point of anything. just don't have the strength to carry on anymore. to keep trying to endure everything and to pretend that everything's okay. it's not. and it'll never will be...

three words. just hang on.
hmm. yeah that's what mr fun told me after we talked for awhile.
how apt...
though at times i really want to give up right here, right now. i don't know. so tired of rushing here and there, chionging homework between breaks and attempting to pass tests. none of which have been successful. two months have passed. approaching the third month already. nothing has changed. time is passing so quickly. even before i know it. house event's next wednesday. march expedition's coming soon. house function coming. suddenly, even sports day, sports carnival and titans seems so close. why can't i seem to find time to catch up... why can't i seem to keep pace even with current lectures and tutorials. lost is lost. but there're still topics here and there in math and bio that don't require past knowledge. so why can't i just keep pace with those? only a few months left. am i really planning to carry it on this way? or what am i going to do about everything? sigh. think it's time for... heh. self reflection or something.

hmm. results are out. less than 20 mins for the 3.6km. er okay la. can't really complain i suppose? =/

hmm. don't know whether to be sad or happy today... okay so we didn't get first for road run. but hey. we tried our best right. i'm sure our cheering was better than the rest.. just that. haha. some house just had to win it cos they didn't win anything else. more fair la. mmm. but not bad la. first place for both guys and girls all beta one. =) yups. so not bad la. at least we were organised too yeah =) hmm... anyway my last road run liao. haha. k. a bit like that day i love and hate. hate cos it got me so super nervous knowing it's the last one i'm taking part in. love cos it's been something i've been somewhat looking forward to knowing that it's the last run i'm going for and hey it's taken quite a lot for me to get here. all the objections to me going and all... cos my my knee... i don't know. a bit disappointed with the pace i ran at still... definately not my best. but i suppose i'll live with it? considering knee then didn't have time to warm up cos was busy helping to take attendance and giving out number tags and haha stitch again and some other weird problems. don't know la. haha. was bluffing myself all the way la. wanted to stop at the gate... and the slope... and the long long road. but i suppose... one thing i'm happy about it not stopping... and running all the way. kept reminding myself that it's the last time i'm running and it's a waste to walk cos if i did i'd have wasted all the time i saved by running constantly. haha. oh well. funny run. funny mindgame. i suppose... to some extent it's really mind over body ba. haha. oh well. 50 sth position. hai hao i suppose. hey. got what we aimed for right? top 100. haha. considering there were more than 400 runners la. right. should be la. counting by teams. then still have the fun runners. heh. at least it's over. yay. k. can give up running le. take up something... something like swimming! yeah man.

haha. k la. one event down... but that means that time really files too. not good. cos studies are no where. need to study. haven't passed a single test this year and counting. tutorials are no where. lost at lectures. woo hoo. screwed. failing next week's tests... but cannot fail the chem spa. fail le means cham liao. rarh. am so being monitored already. help. fail more tests equals seeand talk to teachers more times about studies... not good... study kim study... ahh... sigh. how. this year's really moving so quickly. what they all told me is true. should have listened. too bad i didn't really act on it. but really have to start liao. so so out of time.... study kim study...


why are we so prooo... why the rest so slowww...

=(

=(
sigh.

=( =( =( =( =(

sigh. let me introduce something. for this week everyday that i'm unhappy i'll post sad smily. just want to see how many times a week i'm unhappy. shall start off with today...
=(

lousy. haven't passed a single test at all so far for this year. not a single one. our of the three subject tutors i've had to see two. basically for my lousy results. gp's beginning to become quite horrible as well. don't believe i've passed that this year as well. so basically i haven't passed anything at all. mrs ng was asking me about how i'm coping and all. whether i'm using the extra time after dropping a subject to study or spending it on my pdps. hmm. sigh. and she was telling me that i'm very short of time to study and catch up... which is so so true. i've everything to catch up for for bio. almost everything for math. and everything for chem as well. sigh. so much backlog. in such big trouble. how now? a classmate of mine's always like looking at my stuff then go your math is really bad. your p and c is really bad. p and c pple can just solve with one two lines only. why's your working so long. sigh. like i know la. sigh. then whenever i don't know something she'll give me that omg such a simple thing and you don't know it. like the entire world knows it that kind of look. sigh. i'm so sorry i don't know la. and if it was really that easy why would she be asking me right? she should know herself. sigh. don't know la. sometimes i don't know whether to laugh or to cry at this. it's just ongoing everyday... and i'm so tired of it. so tired that i become somewhat immune to it. i'm trying. i've been trying to do my tutorials and listen during class already. and still i have to go through the why are you do dumb thing everyday. give me a break la. i know i never fitted in with this class. i never will. but still. the most just leave me alone. i'll be happier that way. serious. sigh. anyway duathlon tmr. hope it'll be a good one. better not rain. haiz

sigh. ankle giving me problems sia. something wrong. woke up today... right ankle was too weak for me to even stand. took awhile just to be able to balance and stand up. even so it hurt. walking hurt too. even sitting. just moving it hurt. hmm. really don't know what's going on with it. a bit irritating. think it's too weak now. how. sigh. road run coming. arggh. haven't been running much. just pe. bleahx. not good. faster... faster... sigh. surf and sweat coming up. doing individual again this year. sigh. lazy to run. but in a way it's good. extra training for road run. heh. sigh. need to study. but don't feel like it as usual. rarrrhhh. this is so not good. have to start have to start...