i guess today officially marks the end.
but in a way i suppose there isn't such a thing as an end. cos once a tjcian, always a tjcian =)
guess today's farewell concert and sports appreciation ceremony were more of for um enjoyment purposes for me. though yes i felt pretty sad having to leave the school... but i promised myself that no matter what i'll leave with a smile.

today i can honestly say, coming to tj was the best mistake i've ever made. for those who don't already know... tj was a mistake. i only got here because i played around with my choices during the pae. honestly tj was never one of my options. like come on i didn't even know where it was, neither did i have an idea of what the school looked like. all i remembered knowing was that tj had this funny green coloured uniform and ummm mass swimming. still remember all the ij pple were so omg-ed by that. haha but today... the green uniform's something i've grown really attached to and mass swimming was the best kind of pe possible. haha =p

looking back... haha i've come a long way man. i've learnt a lot and the experiences i've gotten from tj... invaluable. from the first day... when i came in not knowing anyone and haha getting lost looking for tj- can't believe that happened. hey i was really near tj.. but somehow the pple around didn't seem to know where in the world tj was... and anyhow picking a bus to board-luckly it was the right bus. still remember blaming myself for playing around with my choices after that and being so apprehensive and can't be bothered with orientation and all cos i had the mindset that i made a wrong move and i'm going to get out within three months. but nevertheless, i was in a great scg. all the funny things we did together... like the mass ponning of pw tutorials and all except for five of us mass dropping econs before the second lecture test and then going for breakfast together instead. haha... and my pdp mates... the greatest. by the end of the first three months could barely decide whether to stay or to leave. i'm glad that at the end of the day i chose to stay.

struggles. sure i've had my fair share of them. or maybe even more than that-haha. having to cope with injury-disasterous haha. juggling so many commitments and my studies was really demanding. still remember being super stretched all the time. from the proposals to the planning to the excutions of the various events. not easy especially when events clashed. the one time when i got super stressed was the after getting hospitalised period. right when i got back... was juggling the preparations for the major housefunction, track and field meet, the titans trainings, the orienteering propsals haha especially that food orienteering one and the don't know how many thousand worded science council report for the singapore youth science fair -shrugs- no choice cos i was heading the ntu research project... all within a week. thinking back. that was really crazy. was like wanted here there and everywhere. nuts. totally nuts. but i couldn't say anything. cos i believed that that was a choice i made. academically it's been a nightmare. haha like i don't even have enough time to do my tutorials la. by the time i get home at 10 11 plus. cmi already. haha but luckly i've tutors who never at any point of time stopped believing in me. for that i'm really thankful.

i guess it's this kind of thing that made me a much stronger person that before in some ways. i suppose i've changed a lot since i got to tj. stronger because i've learnt what it is like to fall... what it's like to fail... to struggle... and to get to a point where i could break down at any point of time. something i never experienced back in ij. i never knew what it was like to not get what i want. i guess this inculcated in me resiliance and that never say die attitude- although yeah i still will say it la. just that mentally when the time comes... nah. guess my attitude and outlook to things changed quite a fair bit too. especially being in such a good class... haha fine i admit i kind of the developed that say whatever you want about me it's not going to affect me kind of attitude. if you wanna say then go right ahead lor. i won't be bothered by it. haha that's why even if there's someone. ahem. yup that says right into my face that my grades are horrible and that's a normal thing. i'll always seem indifferent to it. -smiles- i'll never react so that i will never give you the satisifaction of knowing that whatever you say affected me. muahaha... but i suppose i've become a lot more withdrawn and quiet. honestly. all the stupid things i used to do in ij. no more. kind of think it's because of my perpetually failing grades. kind of makes me unsure of whether i'm correct. makes me quite doubtful of myself at times. haha... hmm being in tj made me more confident too -grins- though i'd rather not show it. but if you were to force a mike into my hands and force me to say sth to um the pple around. i guess i've already gotten over that fear. =) haha quieter... oh well. most of the time i choose not to say stuff. but muahaha i do know what's going on k. rarh. haha. after the As after the As. when there's no more struggle with my studies. muahaha... ke yi feng diao le =)

experiences. the people i've met in tj. so so different from ij. learnt a lot a lot during my time here. from the planning and excuting of events... to the bare basics of just working with pple. learnt super a lot. the kind of people i work better with or how to handle pple or situations. great insights. the various sporting events, house functions, expeditions, duathlon, camps and all... haha so many memories that i'll take back with me as i leave the college. yay and the pple i met here are the best. all the oacians, hc pple, my class, the seniors and juniors, the tutors! haha and even the science council and ntu professors. -grins- i couldn't be more thankful to have had all these pple as an integral part of my life from which i've had a smashing time with =) oh yes. i like my class. haha so funky la. the things we've been doing these past few days. haha i think we're the funniest most entertaining class ever. if only everyday was like these few days. haha. i think those pple we pulled into the classroom to take photos for us all rolled out laughing. seriously we do the most unexpected things. lol. crazy. super funny. good training for abs. lol =p

i swear the tutors in tj are amazing. really. i mean like they're so decicated and caring that haha it even surprised me at first. even needed some time to adjust to it la. amazing. haha like mw said today's the start of the mugging days le. and honestly once i start mugging. haha... well honestly it's not so much cos i want to get into a course or anything. i'm just really don't want to dui bu qi my tutors. through thick and thin they've been there for me. even like this year when i failed the jcts so horribly... they never gave up... constantly reassuring me that i should still do my best in my pdps and after i handover they'd always be there to help me get back up. honestly i can't think of a time that they were't there. whether it was for consultation or just to talk about how i feel or how i'm coping... they're really great tutors. and i've been so lucky to be under their care. really really don't want to dui bu qi them for the final exam. want to come back next year smiling away and thinking them and giving them the good news. haha such a short time left. i really don't know if that day'd ever come. sigh. but i have to try =)

sigh i just realised i've spent more than two hours typing all this. going to be midnight soon already. oh well. sigh. oh today's concert was cute. the emcees are good. haha. yimin broke the audi table while trying to hit the balloon. ahahha super entertaining la. i think we're really a crazy class. hahaha... the photo presentation was pretty short but nice. haha i did a stupid thing. i counted the number of photos i got caught in to amuse myself. nine leh. not bad. high proportion lor. lol =p haha really self amusement already. oops. sigh suddenly had a thought. i wonder if i'd ever get to see most of my classmates again after the As. cos most are scholars ma. so will leave s'pore de. sigh. nevermind. treasure the times then i suppose =)

yay i love tj la. i guess if i was given another choice to choose which school i'd want to be in... i'd choose tj again. =) love my classmates, the friends i've made, my pdp mates and yay! my tutors! woo hoo~~ i'm so going to miss this place

for college, for nation
passion, purpose, drive =)=)=)

haha realised i haven't been online for like four days. not bad. but haha i wish it was cos i was studying. apparently not. it's cos i've been sleeping right through when i get home all the way until the next day. this is so bad. i'm spending more time sleeping than studying. =( die. sigh. oh well. realised i've been doing a lot of non-study base things... like mandy's birthday celebration. being an unofficial tour guide at the tj open house. thanks to someone. oh well. i'm really still moving even slower than before the prelims. how how how =(=(=( sigh mrs ng is right. i need to focus. =(

-grins- first day of studying. haha okay fine not really. was more like trying to complete my homework which i still haven't... buttt... hey it's a good attempt yeah. haha. so much for all the super sleeping-the-whole-day-away days these weeks. horrible la. today was better. so now i know... the solution to not sleeping the days away is to force yourself to sit in the library... surely will do a bit of stuff de. =) haha oh fine. tuesday already. not much time left yeah. day one... yay... i don't know if i'm too late but wth... it's better than nothing yeah... yay! sounding pretty happy cos for once i can feel less stressed that i'm not studying. muahaha... need to get back to the prelim speed soon though. this is far from it =(=(=(

this is just day one =) come on man i'm looking forward to it. lol. stay optimistic =)

this is so bad. i swear i'm not even studying as much as i did for prelims. nooo... sigh but at least there's a little improvement. i actually started yesterday for like 3-4 hrs? with mr gew in the library. but i realised sth. once i reach home i'll just sleep right through... till the next day. rarh. today as well! went home... happily slept the entire day away in the end. champion. fine. i shall try to go study in the library after sch in the future. haha. results out le. three a level passes for once. but i guess... barely there? need to do something. i know less now then what i knew for the prelims. forgotten almost everything. not good. sigh. oh sigh our class is first for gp again. mrs lee was really nice to have rewarded us with all those goodies. but sadly i didn't feel that i deserved it. since i stepped into tj... i've fallen from one of those not too bad for gp people right to the bottom of the class. serious. and it's not like the cohort ranking helps either. this is terrible. never had to worry much about gp. now i do. ahh my english cannot make it. i'm on the brink of failing. it just gets worse and worse each time. sigh.

oh zhong qiu jie. kind of miss the celebrations we had back in ij... the lanterns, candles, the mooncake thing and the cai the mi yus hung on the lanterns thing. sigh oh well. anyway jean reminded me of graduation day coming. sigh. yes. it's true. i don't want to leave tj. damn.

omg. i'm so slack that i'm scaring myself. i'm worried that i'm not being worried enough to sit down and study proper. ironic isn't it. in a sort of oh-so-desperate measure, was just sitting here thinking of how in the world i should be trying to motivate myself at this point of time to study. then the question came to my mind. how do i want to remember my life in tj when i look back in the future? remember it for all the different activities? or for failing consistantly academically? =( at the same time by doing this i'm letting so many people down. how can i? sometimes people say that it's okay cos as long as you pass in tj.. should be okay for the As. but sometimes i just wonder how big the difference is. somehow i don't believe the difference it big. i don't believe it's very big at all. sigh i'm faring worse in the post prelim time than pre prelim time. how is this possible. not good. not good at all. please do something about it. =( today i shall have to start properly no matter what.

very random thing. omg. gew is killing worms now. =( loading them in cannons and firing them with them flying at an initial speed of 20ms-1 and ramming into a wall of 8m. now he's calculating the angle he should fire the worm with for it to hit the wall with a maximum ke. omg. ewww... =( oh. hahaha i nearly died when the bio lecturer asked us to picture the image of a worm in our minds today in relation to the prelim qn that had the lugworm in it. instead of thinking of how the lugworm takes in oxygen and how their haemoglobin's affinity for oxygen would be like... i was imagining all sort of things la... -like gew drowning the worms or exploding them or firing them. omg. such gross and horrible thoughts. yuck yuck yuck... =( -thinks mental torture- haha. yuck. omg the maggots thing is so sick. gew is traumatising my life. hahahaha. oh man... gross gross gross!

Sigh and the clock turns twelve
Exactly a month left from here.
and it marks the end of the 9th day of slacking. this is so bad. good rest but too long seriously. =(
i guess i really don't know what to say. how time flies
prelims weren't all that great. but i guess i have to move on from there.
like someone once told me- time is scarce. that's the challenge. how very true.
i can't keep procrastinating all the time.
oh no. okay fine. not going to blog until grad day. which is soon. ke yi de k. it's not that long a period of time. online yar probably. but don't blog k.
i need to start things going. ummm find the momentum. sigh.
come on. start go go go... don't ever stop thereafter.

suddenly remembered a poem our vp mr liu once read to us during our prelims...

IF by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

yes. i can.

arggh. fine. i'm really tired of this. everyday i'm put into all these situations. what do you want me to do? all the time i end up making decisions for everything. honestly. i hate making decisions too. but i'm always forced to. even simple things like going to eat. the normal scenerio in the car would be like dad cold war with mum mum cold war with dad. there's so much tension. then there goes the question where do you all want to go to eat. decisions need to be made faster cos already driving need to know where to head to next. -looks around- no one's answering. dad looks out of the window pissed. mum's annoyed. bros decide that the games on their phones are much more interesting. so no choice give an answer before the situtation escalates as usual. occasionally nah too far later bros have to travel down there to eat then go back up to go home. fine then they should make the decision as to where to go next. but no. simple thing like saying one to words to even answer no they find it such a difficult undoable task. so silence prevails again. until second irritated question as to where to go. obviously the tension in the car is going to explode soon but no. they still decide the games are more interesting. rather not say a single word. so annoying. so there it goes. i've to make split second decisions again. then after getting there. lets say maybe the place changed a little. not as nice as before... it's my fault for choosing such a place. i mean like wth. you were useless enough not to even be able to make simple decisions until others have to make it for you and you still want to complain. seriously i've never seen such un-opinionated people who cannot even make a single decision for themselves. even for simple things like that. i call that pathetic.
you all always say... just take care of your area- academics. we'll take care of everything else. but no. everyday i have to make so many decisions even for the most trivialous matters. when you all start cold war-ing each other. i'm always entrenched in the middle. i've to act as the communication point. the decision making point. the try to ease tensions terminal. all the different roles possible. do you think it's easy. having to consistantly judge the situation and think and decide what the best next possible move is all the time? it's really tiring. at school i face so much pressure for underperforming in such a good class. at home it's from the household. where do you want me to go then? most of the time i end up so tired from everything that i hardly even have the mood energy or time left to channel into my studies. when i don't do well... it's entirely my fault and it's for me to find out how to solve everything on my own as usual. always getting blamed. yes i admit it's partially my fault that i failed to prioritise well. but do you really think that everything that's happening around me never affects me? if i walk past you or something and fail to say hi i'm really sorry it's either i really didn't see you or my mind is somewhere else.
sigh i live in a complicated world. why can't things just be more simple. more handable. i just don't say anything. sigh saying any of this is not going to help. but hey i'm not some super human. i'm still a 18 year old human. i don't know what to do yet i know what to do when the time comes. sigh. what irony.

sigh. 8 days. 8 days since the prelims ended. please stop playing =( i am just so slack. help. been trying to do a little in the morning before sch. like um 10 15mins. but apparently that'd be all i do for the rest of the day. this is not good. not like i'm doing well or anything. ahhh. please wake up kim. got some rude shock yesterday. i realised that sigh more than 4/5 of my class got over 70 for math ppr 1. that's nuts. thought only like the f math pple do that. i know yeah we're a scholar class but still... that's besides the point. that's really crazy la. suddenly i feel so so pathetic again. fine =( ahhh... nus came yesterday to talk about the scholars programme. omg sounds... boring. oops. sorry man. but yeah. oh no. the guy in charge of the admission to nus. we talked to him yesterday. saddd the course i kind of want... most prob ard abb for entry. nooo that's not very possible. figure even aab won't be enough. =(=(=( this is so sad. sigh okay maybe i should attempt to do sth before having to go to sji later. fine fine. ahhh i really cannot be so slack already =( please study. a little is better than nothing yeah

ahh exactly seven days after the last day of my prelims already. stop playing ard kim =( haven't been productive for seven days already la. omg please cannot be so slack. =( sigh. anyway bio is gone. sigh totally gone. courtesy of mr essay =(=(=( fine. but it was my own fault anyway. sigh. i am so dead. =(

sigh fail fail miserable. i must be really dumb or something. even biochem something which even if i fail usually can fail with a relatively decent grade. woo hoo fail until the cows come home. great. yeah so the biochem questions were hard. and yeah i didn't try hard enough for chem. but still... i'm a bio student leh. out of all the chem sections i should be passing bio chem. but in the end still like that. sigh. failed the 10 chem essays quite miserably too. like really pathetic. and it doesn't help tt for all the papers gotten back i've pple who have nearly twice of my marks like probably will be a b grade that kind whine to me about how horrible their marks are. especially when they roughly already know how i'd do. thanks a lot. if you seek comfort in knowing how pathetic my grades are in comparison then good for you i have nothing to say. it's alwayyys like that. fine. fine. whatever you wish. sigh this is just day one. this totally sucks

sigh. i know i was still relatively happy a couple of days ago... but recently with each passing day the sinking feeling just grows. feeling unhappier and unhappier each day. guess i just have a lot on my mind everyday. damn i must be quite lousy. sigh nevermind. better it happen now when i still have my break than later. i don't know. i'd want to say that i don't know what to do anymore. but perhaps i do. there has to be a solution to everything. some i probably already know the answer to some maybe just needs a little more thinking? sigh i have to get rid of this... if not this will happen again at someother point of time. sigh head on collision. rarh i need to get past this soon. =(
random thought. i'm glad the ij board has been writing in to show our disapproval for that totally rubbished sunday times article. the way they portray the school is just crap. it's not even funny. if it's sole purpose was to provide entertainment of some sort... well it failed. all it managed to do is to undermined the hundred over years of history and hard work of the missionaries and many others to get the school to where it is today. congrats.
another random thought. watched singapore idol. just so happened i was on the bus heading home. no idea why i'm bothering to comment now when it's so late. but anyway um jon leong has nice hair. really. for a moment i was wondering who the hairstylist was. nice job. suddenly realised he looked like uh some korean actor from some angles. hmms. but then again i don't watch korean shows so yar. dunno. bro said he's some pro fencer that's pro-er than the coach. not bad. and they say he's a commando? -dun really look like leh? heck. anyway apparently he was having a sore throat today or sth. but not bad la. still can pull off such a performance. bet no one even realised. that guy sounded good. and that snowpatrol song sounded even better than before. oh it's nice to see the sji and lasellian brothers out there supporting him. bro paul was there. and basically the rest of the sji contingent together with the principal and all. not bad. that's the spirit. sji spirit. suddenly wondering. would ij have done the same if it was an ij girl in the finals? perhaps but i don't think it'd be till that extent? hmmm... anyway hady looks a bit like stevie g. the guy-next-door squeaky cleans can't possibly do anything wrong look. nice voice too. nice range. very nice sounding. just um weird choice of song today? but still good. roar some thought just interrupted my already fragmented chain of thoughts. fine. fine. =(
last random thought. random thoughts can be good for you. especially if they're really stupid ones. tends to take your mind off other things.

it's finally over. not any big relief or anything. no cheering nothing. probably cos the bio paper was much harder than all the previous early. but i don't know. somehow it just felt weird. it's over but it's not over. ahh paradox. sigh. anyway spent my day away. really tired now
went to tampines to play badminton with yuan kit and yinwei... two hours. power sia. haha. pretty intensive exercise man considering that i've been like so physically inactive for the longest time possible. and haha i'm so going to grow fat from that. haha anywayyy haha my badminton is improving! haha but then again it makes no difference to me. i'm no badminton player yeah. haha kaoz really really tired from it. whoa knee ankle and wrist all hurting from it now. ha i'm sooo lousy. oh well. but it was worth it yeah. fun fun.
met geraldine today. been a long long time since i last saw our seniors. seems like just yesterday when we were watching our snrs go in to take their prelims... suddenly omg it's our turn. scary. anyway lavender-ed for lunch with yanling as well. then orchard to galavant. lol.
oh yeah! BORDERS BISTRO HAS REALLY NICE STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKE! haha serious.
and woo hoo~~ finally got the book i wanted since like forever. okay maybe since like last year. jodi picoult's my sister's keeper. yayness! shall start on it real soon. but not today probably... too tired.
ooh. jay chou's new songs are niceee! though november chaplin was still the best. but nevertheless... nicenice. different style totally. i want. hahahaha... no school till tuesday. such a short break. so mean to the s ppr students lar. sch in the morning. s ppr exam in the after school. but then again haha who asked them. =p oops. hahaha... yups new timetable too! end earlyyy everyday. okay at least earlier then before. no days end later than one plus. good good. can go home earlier. woo hoo~~ hahahahahaha... tireddd... shall find sth to do like read the news or sth =) yayyy

say say say!
one more dayyyy! =p
haha rhymes. yay last ppr tmr! =)
i'm soooo bored that i koped this from cheryl's blog to do for fun. haha

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!

How are you feeling today?
100 years- five for fighting

Will you get far in life?
collide- howie day

How do your friends see you?
do you want to- franz ferdinand

Will you get married?
ye qu- jay chou

What is your best friend's theme song?
shell- susie suh ( no idea man came with the phone i think haha)

What is the story of your life?
move along - all american rejects ( haha that's so sad)

What was high school like?
hei she mao yi- jay chou

How can you get ahead in life?
fa ru xue- jay chou

What is the best thing about your friends?
torn - natalie imbruglia (!!!)

What is in store for this weekend?
yi qian nian yi hou- lin jun jie (haha that sounds like a nice long weekend lol)

What song describes you?
sexyback- justin timberlake (!!! nonono... never...)

To describe your grandparents?
yi lu xiang bei-jay chou

How is your life going?
amazing- westlife (woo hoo~~ i wish sia =) )

What song will they play at your funeral?
if i were you- hooberstank (sure sure... not bad. lol )

How does the world see you?
wishing i was there- natalie imbruglia (ahahaha yeah man =P )

Will you have a happy life?
lang man shou ji- jay chou ( now that doesn't sound that bad does it? =P )

What do your friends really think of you?
cao cao- lin jun jie ( hahaha serious? )

Do people secretly lust after you?
follow through- gavin degraw

How can I make myself happy?
qing tian- jay chou (hahaha... =p)

What should you do with your life?
over my head (cable car) - the fray

Will you ever have children?
for you i will - teddy geiger (hahahaha ummm... =/ )

hahaha um i don't know what to say abt that. haha...
okay ahhh cannot keep being so slack! last paper already.
i larveeee bio =) hahahahahaha...
do i sound convincing? lol. =)
back to bio! i'm gonna get through this =)

ahh... chem tmr. man stress de. especially seeing that my chem's in such a bad shape. sad. i seem to always have a thing for doing horribly in a new sch in the subj that was once my best before coming over. haha still remember math was my strongest sub when i entered sec sch. then immediately from a* dropped to c6. think mrs tay was so super shocked. she was like girl what happened. haha well i'm clueless to that too. and it's happening again... now my chem's like so sad case la. i think neglected it too much for the other subs le. never ever bothered about it. bad mistake. ahhh. i'm going to die tmr. sigh.

please don't crash and burn tmr.
don't end the ppr within 15 mins there's nothing left on the paper that can be done.
let's do something positive.
let's go study now.

less than 6 hrs left...
ahhh someone save me =(

haha the long anticipated weekend is finally here- yay. did absolutely nothing after this afternoon's bio paper. totally drained from it. that was really crazy. something today told me that i made the wrong choice to keep bio. but oh well what's done is done. and i really cannot afford to fail my tutor anymore. she rocks. still remember after the jcts we had a little talk. she asked what happened. then she was telling me that from the way i answer some questions she can tell that i really have the potential to do well. just don't have enough content. haha then she asked me to promise her that i won't let my jcts affect me and that i won't give up on my studies or anything. really nice. she's not one of those tutors who just go aiyo why your marks so low that kind. really honest and sincere so i trust everything she says entirely. realised she's always the first tutor i'll look for and talk to should there be a need. ahh she really rocks. think she's the reason why i carried on with bio instead of physics. cannot dui bu qi ta anymore. oh before the paper i was thinking that the paper'd surely kill me off again today. but she gave me quite a reassuring smile when i was entering the exam hall today. after that i remembered telling myself that maybe it won't be so bad and i'd better make a good one out of it to make up for my previous paper. guess it's the little things one does that um inspires others. =)
oh realised that it's during this period of time that i'm doubting and disbelieving in myself the most. some time ago was talking to someone. and that someone said something that struck me. he asked me what happened. last time when i was being asked questions, i was always pretty confident of my answers. but nowadays when someone asks me to solve questions for them or something i'd be so unsure and totally unconfident in giving my answers. come to think of it. how a short period of just two years changes someone so. was talking to hasina the other day. being in tj was the first time either of us had ever felt so demoralised by our studies in our entire lives. all the time our secondary school lives were a breeze. even if we didn't give a damn the results would still be decent. we kind of knew that no matter what at the end of the day we'd get our as. guess that's why we get so demoralised here. cos we never struggled before. never fell so hard before. so much so we don't know what to do don't know how to get ourselves back up fast. guess it never really struck us that the struggle would be for so long. maybe that's where we've to figure it out. that's where we've to learn. ahh all the negative thinking's really bad for us... though i admit that sometimes it just can't be helped. haha
haha really fragmented and random thoughts today. just writting whatever comes to mind. ahaha i don't sound that negative today. yay. trying to stop all that pessimistic thinking =) wahahaha weekends! =)

arggh =( so late already. but i'm not even done with the first chapter of my option topic for bio. so many chapters left. repro is really boring. i'm learning slower than at a snail's pace lar. guess i must be really dumb or sth. came up with another theory just now. maybe i'm finally filling the brunt of the prelims only now cos i'm so stupid that it took me 18 yrs to realise the real extent of my stupidity. heh. guess that explains quite a fair bit. =( i really don't need to sleep already. so many chapters left. damn =( sigh

never have i felt so demoralised before. seriously. something jai said when i was walking back with her after the math ppr- that i have to start believing in myself that i can do this. but somehow the more i think about it. the more i'm convinced that i can't. i just can't find any reason to believe that i can. i tried. really. in the past... even if i didn't know how to do most of the qns it wasn't that bad cos i know that i didn't try hard enough. but right now... i tried. it's not like i didn't. stats was probably the only thing i tried studying decently enough for. but yet at the end of the day i still can't seem to do it. even something like probably density i was like huh what's that. it's the prelims already. and i still can't do it. reality check. guess i'm really that lousy and hopeless at this. every paper i've set for seems to be killing me off. but this one killed me totally. cos it's the one i tried hardest for already. tmr bio ppr 3. haven't touched a single of those topics. i don't know what i'm going to do already. feeling so helpless and.. disillusioned

what's black in colour is actually white in colour, while what's white is actually black in colour.

haha not sleeping again tonight. i think the lack of sleep these two days is getting to me. wonder how long i can last. hmm. haha. evidance that i'll die off soon- kind of misjudged and half walked into the wall when i was supposed to walk through that wide open door. oh no. haha. i think i'm really going crazy or something. came up with a theory today. haha. the theory about colours. spent quite a fair bit of time proving to myself that everything that seems black is actually white in colour while everything that seems white is actually black in colour. haha sounds a bit um paradoxical but yeah. um haha anyway the theory goes that everything in this world is actually black in colour. that's the basic colour of everything. then comes in the white light and haha the absorbtion theory. see right. what we see is actually reflected light from the absorption spectrum. so if an object is black, theoritically speaking it should be white just that it looks black because it absorbed all the whte light leaving no light left to be deflected. on the other hand, assuming the basic colour of everything is really black, all the white light is reflected from the object surface and none is absorbed. hence it remains as it's original colour- black. it's just it looks white as a result of the reflection of white light. so basically the different colours are just a visual illusion caused by the index of reflection and the different absorbtion rates of the different objects. so haha um hahaha my wonderful conclusion of the day- what's black in colour is actually white, while what's white in colour is actually black. haha. since i don't take physics anymore and i wanna know if there's any other principles out there that i don't know of since i don't take that subject anymore. so um. haha anyone wanna challenge this very random theory of mine? lol =p

omg. seriously so stunned. can hardly believe steve irwin's gone. got stung through the heart by a stingray while diving off Port Douglas in order to film a documentary. really saddening. that was one great guy. and his documentaries were by far the best. hope his family's okay and um coming to terms with it. very fragmented post. really v saddening =( rarh. oh well gtg =(

no i can't give up now. how rubbish-ed can i get. no. thought about it. after two years, oac has taught discipline perseverence determination sense of urgency the never give up attitude and all. things we look upon so strongly. can't possibly apply that just to the sporting arena right. oac teaches us about life. perhaps i need to learn to integrate this into every aspect of my life. sigh. one week left to the prelims. i'm no where near done. but no i won't give up now. from today... 7 days. i'm going to make this work. just guo this prelims and keep going. no i'm not going to stop or think of stopping. not anymore.

hmmm celebrated teacher's day in tj today. the eight of us i think. dunno where the rest went to. together with our tutors. kind of nice the feeling. so relaxed and all. pretty cool. somewhat like a mini un as well as mr ho put it. all the different nationalities. ha. oh well. yeah just sat around and talked and all. pretty enjoyable. but somehow i dunno kind of weird. though it was pretty nice and all... but i suddenly longed to go back to ij. suddenly missed it so so much. perhaps maybe it's the way we've been celebrating it for those many years. so different. kind of miss that ij feeling. but no i couldn't go back cos needed to meet a tutor regarding something. quite sad. kept thinking of it the entire day. that i wanted to go back. really really missed ij so. ahh... sigh. anyway i realised that when the tutors met me... the first thing each of them said to me was like... so how's your studies coming along? can? coping well? sigh i really didn't know what to say.. just partially laughed it off and said... trying... but sigh i dunno. i really don't know. feel so bad to make them worry so much about it. i'm so evil la. having so many people worry about my academics. sigh shall not think of it so much. anyway yes teacher's day is nice. love it when dad brings back those bags of presents. i'll admit that i'd be the one happily opening the presents up to see what's inside. so exciting. ha. sounds a bit um childish i know but pretty exciting what opening presents. heh. oh well. sigh all the simple things i miss. =(

haha um i don't really know how to start this. maybe uh i'll put it the way eng wei put it. haha. i've joined singapore's aged population today. guess i have quite a number of people to thank for remembering... since i still have all the msgs in my phone... a big thank you to.. jean, cheryl, sze sian, kai qin, eng wei, li yuan, kai sheng, xiao ting, jun sheng, sheryl, rachel, natalie, shi han, yanling dorothy, wei kheam, hasina, yinwei, arvin, sin yee, wai kit, weldon, yi min, samantha um did i miss out anyone? hope not. thanks for brightening up my day and making me smile with each msg recieved. don't know how in the world you all remembered though cos i didn't say anything about it at all. haha. still remember last year spent this day running at the new balance real run. a year later i'm not even allowed to run anymore. haha that's funny. hmm just read chao kiat's blog. again i have to say he makes so much sense all the time. kind of thinking about it now. anyway um guess i really was on the verge of totally giving up on everything yesterday... but luckily enough i guess talking to mingwei rachael and yinwei put some sense back into me. mw's right. remember where you want to go. it's the critical period how can i give up how? sigh. how much do i want it? i can't just give up totally now. have to keep trying. even if it doesn't seem like i'm moving. maybe the displacement's still close to zero... but er someday maybe i'll start moving? um kind of reminds me of that story. the one about the old man who wanted to move the mountain. um. yu gong yi shan . dunno how true that is... but you zhi zhe shi jing cheng right? sigh shall make myself believe in that now as much as possible. at least give me something to believe in. just how much do you want it kim? how much?

shi bai. hen shi bai. xiang fang qi. zhen de hen xiang fang qi. sigh i dunno what's going on. i think my patience with my studies is wearing very thin. getting quite frustrated. feel as if i'm going nowhere. like i just keep running and banging into the same wall without any success in getting past it. i dunno. it's like everytime i take a step in front some how i'll find myself sliding two steps back. bu zi zhe me zhuo cai hao. i dunno. i think cmi already. suddenly feeling super stressed up. cos i know that my standard is no where. and the paper's going to be really hard. still remember the vp telling me that getting all Es for the prelims means that i'd b progressing well for the As. means that it's damn hard to even pass the prelims la. i dunno what to do. seriously don't know what to do. i don't want to care. i don't want to try anymore. subconciously i already gave up, but some small part of me tells me that i'd regret if i stop. i dunno. kinda think i really gave up. just too tired of it. been like dunno just sleeping really early for er the past mth i think without doing much cos just too tired of it. was looking at biological membranes. like the first chapter of bio today. suddenly felt that that's it. i really dunno anything. doesn't help that i didn't take bio in the first three mths. really really missed out on a lot. suddenly realised that those chapters are really quite important. i dunno what to do. nearly cried when i saw it all. too overwhelming. i can't do this. really i can't do this anymore. i know it probably doesn't seem like it but i really ren le hen jiu. shou bu liao le. i still remember yimin telling me that mrs lee talked to her the other day and told her to take me as her role model. never to give up when you fall. just learn from it and pick yourself up and carry on. resiliance. still remember that i was super shocked when i heard that. quite well honoured that she thinks that of me but... i guess she has no idea... no idea how much i just want to give up everyday. especially when i'm stuck in a class where everyone's just so good and i'm no where near any of them. how pathetic i feel just going for lessons everyday whatmore do anything else. good i suppose that no one really found out that i feel that way. it's just that i refuse to have anyone know how i feel. always trying so hard to put up a strong front to show that i'm not affected by anything. still remember having people ask me how come i can ren everything that's going on and be so unaffected by comments or by like consistantly failing or anything. i guess that's where i changed a lot. changed the way i view stuff. if someone says that i can't do something i won't talk back or anything. be totally unaffected by anything. just take things in my stride. then i'll take that yea if you say that i can't do it the more i want to be able to do it to show you that i can if i want. the more you say the more i 'll prove you wrong that kind of thing. got quite suprised to have people trying to learn that from me. the way i see and react to things. i know things seem as if i'm totally reactionless but yeah it does affect me so. but i guess i forcably supress those feelings so that people will think that i'm alright all the time. suddenly i feel as i'm giving a false impression that i can be strong. perhaps chao kiat was right. i'm being strong. but too strong. maybe i should let people know how i feel sometimes. don't know. maybe he's right. like what he said. it's like a balloon filling up. some people will choose to release the air all the time. some at regular intervals, some just before the balloon bursts. guess i'm probably the latter. just before it bursts. or perhaps i hold on too long. until i just sort of break down when no one's around for a period of time. suddenly a bit confused. i just don't want people to see. don't want people to know. yeah maybe it's a bit like acting tough but i dunno maybe i'm just like that. actually i realised though i dun show it sometimes little things can make or break me depends on my mood. like after the nafta 2.4 when ha i got partially reprimanded for running. when she was like hey you used to be a very fast runner right? dunno kind of suddenly felt really sad lor. couldn't offer any answer but... yeah past tense. used to. the other time also... when someone was like watching me try to solve some question... then said sth like i dun believe you dunno this de. surely you'll know just that you never practice enough. yeah quite honoured that you think i'm smart enough to know everything but um maybe i just really don't know at the moment. really. i dunno kind of makes me feel as if i dui bu qi that person because that person believes so much that i can do it yet i fall keep falling short and keep failing so. i dunno. just arggh. i don't want pple to worry i dun want to keep failing pple. but right now i just can't keep myself in check anymore. i really wanna give up le. keep feeling that it's of no use. i dunno what i'm doing anymore and i don't want to care. arggh. i really dunno. =(

i fought the battle; i ran the race

interesting quote i came across today

hmmm saw the sch physio today. i think finally something that makes sense ba. probably meniscus injury. guess that explains a lot ba. the pain and sweling that time when it is overloaded... and the really gross clicking sounds and the cannot be straightened thing. she suspects that and something else that she's still trying to figure out. hmmm... i see haha. right. much better than being clueless about what's happening. and she said no 2.4! oh no. but waste my 25 points from the 5 items. i just need a c or better which confirm can one lar. just a matter of whether still can hit the a or not =/ ahh... nvm. have until next wed to decide. run lar hor? hahaha... sad. supposedly cannot join sports cca next time le (but you know i still will la. if not i'll die off of or something). oh well. damn sian this is week 8 already and i'm still no where. this sucks. i wanna give up now. but... how can i? i think i'm just too slack. what do you think? maybe i should sit down and study properly for once. maybe something might just go in miraculously

hmmm break now. didn't run the 2.4 just now. next wed i suppose. under the hot sun in the afternoon =( but anything beats running today la. should i bother to go see the physio tmr? i really don't know. i swear i'm retiring from running once the 2.4 is over at least until... uh next year or something. =( sigh i realised i really cannot catch up no matter what. won't even be able to finish learning my syllabus once before the prelims. not good lor. my bio is so pathetic. i just can't seem to remember all the facts. seem to be able to get stumped at the easiest questions. quite scared. i just don't remember anything i learn. very scary. if i go into the exam hall now. i know i confirm will fail all three subs until super cham. i dunno what to do. i dun feel as if i'm progressing. dun feel like i'm doing enough. dun't feel as if i'm disciplined to sit down and just study without prolonged procrastination. i just dunno what to do anymore. so so tired of all of this =( ahhh someone save me =(

i dun really know what to blog. chao kiat tells me to follow my heart. haha. hmm really tired these couple of days. no idea why. kind of keep dozing off. distracted. totally distracted. can't seem to concentrate on anything. can be looking and reading something but nothing's really going in. as in nothing's processing at all. i have no idea of what i'm even trying to read. all i see are letters. just a lot of letters and i don't know what word it spells out or says. i don't know what i'm doing these days. rarh. just a lot of things going through my mind i suppose. everything's moving very fast. things just keep adding on and adding on. new topics keep being added on also. and i can't seem to catch up on anything. i'm no where. just keep falling behind. kind of quite tired of everything. guess i'm really lucky to have friends who're always telling me not to give up now. sigh i dunno. anyway finally passed a test this year. biochem test. scraped through but not bad when most pple failed. first time. hopefully it means that something's improving for once? i really dunno. let's hope so. hmmm anyway just had nafta the 5 items. got my 25 pts. yay. was afraid sit and reach or like standing broad jump would kill me off or sth. but not bad lar. comfortable a s =) very stress lor. sit ups then everyone's like you doing 50 right? then paiseh so had to do the 50 in a min. then wanna jump also like orh you must go beyond 190cm k. pull ups also go to the station then i expect no less than 18 from you. then classmates also like expect more than that. then do 24 lor. dun wanna do le. wanna do shuttle run also like oh no i'm going to look so slow running next to you that kind of thing. nafta also a lot of pressure one lor. kaoz. now left 2.4. a bit scared. dun really know what it's going to be like. i dun care. i just wanna come in like 13+mins. i dun wanna chiong. just want a normal a. please dun pressure me. =( cos i know if i chiong i'll end up dying for the next couple of days weeks or whatever. anyway ahh i'm falling behind again. rarh. how how how =( quite scared of myself. scared that i will fang qi zi ji again. dunno whether i can or cannot get myself up the next time it happens already. it's becoming more and more difficult to. sigh. nvm. anyway chao kiat always makes a lot of sense =) hmm don't know what else to say le. cya

sigh kind of a weird feeling to have people worrying so much for me. i feel so so bad. i never liked having people worrying for me... i just find it... unfair that they have to worry about me even though they have so many other things to do or worry about. so i'd do everything in my capability to make everything look alright all the time no matter what the situation is. i never talk about my academics. just laugh it off if someone asks. i don't want anyone worrying. even if my knee's hurting a lot just by walking or even while sitting. i won't care. will just continue as far as possible without saying anything. sorry if i don't respond or seem very quite out of a sudden. just don't see the point of complaining or letting people know about it. might as well just ren it myself. if i have to run, i will. even during pe... the more it hurts the more i chiong to finish it faster. the faster i finish the less time i have to endure it in front of my classmates. i try hard not to let them know. that's why i'm always the first to disappear after pe. not that i want to. but i just don't want them to see. even if i can't cope, i'll try not to pass the workload to anyone. cos it's not fair. and i don't want them to know about my situation. seriously i just don't like having people worry about me. always try to minimise it. but having said that, realise i make the people closer to me worry more. cos yeah one way or another they'd find out a bit of what's happening. like running. they'd tell me not to run anymore. but the i'll still continue to run and chiong even faster cos i don't want other people to know. i'm really sorry. sorry to everyone who worries constantly about me... whether it may be academically... or physically. sorry...

sigh. i'm so evil. so so evil. why do i keep making people worry about me. i feel really bad now. i don't want anyone to worry about me. i need to do something about it. i want to come back next year and say yes i passed. yes i did well. yes i got into a uni. and yes i got into the course i wanted. ahh... but that seems so so far from reality. time is really running out. and i'm no where. seriously no where. kind of confused. i don't even know where to start. i don't know what i'm doing. and i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. arggh. i'm so evil =( rarh.

anyway got a suggestion that i should sign on should my grades not be able to make it for the actual As. something i actually thought of before. heh. maybe maybe... we'll see. sigh. but i don't want anyone worrying about me anymore. seriously. it's high time that i do something about it =(

yay! i finally know what i want. and i shall work towards it yes? -grins happily- i can make this happen.. if i just try hard enough =)

sigh. i'm tired. really tired. please give me a break. stop giving me a hard time. not like i don't have enough to think about already. arggh. i hate going to class =(

ahahaha.... omg. i just realised something. haha... stunning. lol. this is so random. hahahaha

handover today for hc. i suppose it didn't seem as sad is i thought it might be... maybe... cos we're all comforted by the fact that we've made so many great friends here and that the memories we share will last a life time. so honoured that nick the president of the hrc mentioned our beta hc for our major house function during his closing speech. haha just reminds us of all the things we went through. haha the months of preperations... and the endless obstacles we faced. months of preparation thawted by the rain, leaving us desperately trying to move the av equiptment back into the main block during a thunderstorm. our second attempt at holding the event destroyed by the polling day... our third and final scaled down success. it would have been better. but we were glad that it turned out as it was... considering all the circumstances we were under. haha our term started and ended with the rain. but i think we did great yeah. haha =p not bad lar considering we attract rain each time we attempt to orgainse something. our bbq event daunted by the rain. yet everyone kept going. pretty touching to see the entire house undre groundsheets bbqing in the rain as one. i suppose that really brought all the beta knights around much closer together. it was an event we'd never forget. all the funny and stupid things we do... the really full of rubbish highly entertaining no one seems to be interested having fun time meetings... really cool. so highly entertaining and lol engaging. but really productive. really glad for our decisiveness and efficiency. still remember the time the first and last time we ever ordered catered food... the food that came was so expensive yet it came in such a small portion. within minutes half the com was in bedok central sourcing for more food... while the other half was preparing for the function. haha so cool la. so glad that i've hc. yay =) some people say we do a lot of saikang... but hey.. we make sai kang look good yeah. lol! hahahaha... what crap =p something i'll never regret joining. =) 13th beta hc rocks














haha that's us...















all the stupid things we do...















but it's time to move on...














but we'll always be together anyway yeah =) yay
















haha oh. my direct junior. rocks =)

hmm jts today. not bad lar. the sports capts went shopping early. got all our gifts. got a nice light blue nike cap for qian hui. supposed to be lame. haha sports capt ma so bought a sports cap. oops. haha. then the juniors treated us to a movie. superman returns. been a long time since i last stepped into a movie theatre. haha yeah. anyway nah it's not a great movie. very... er. time consuming for such a short climax. uh huh. then we had dinner at breeks. haha the food there's not too bad lar. just a bit ex. then wahhh felt so bad lar. cos some pple ordered like free. super ex lar in the end. poor juniors. =/ oh well. haha. anyway after that haha super malu lor. froggie and edwin went to give the juniors the special entertainment gift. haha. all the junior hc guys had to line up in a row in front of us to blow up... hahahaha... a errr 15 inch inflatable dick.. okay. it's like damn sick lor. super gross entertainment lor. kaoz. super gross super malu. and super funny. haha oh well. went to esplanade after that... to take photos. haha dun have the photos of the entire coms yet. haven't gotten them. but i've er three indivdual photos from my phone? haha. really dark though cos i didn't bother to use the lights from my hp. lol. oops. let me try to upload it. kind of forgotten how to... haha.















rachie and me =)















froggy and me. haha froggy testing out his photo taking skills. not bad lar. hahaha...
















eevien and i

haha oh and i got a really nice jts present from qian hui lar. kind of think she spent a lot. oops. =/ oh well. but really really nice...















pretty flower =)
















guess what's inside this nice box? hahaha...
















so pretty la! =) thanks qian hui! =D

hahaha i think this photo uploading thing's like addictive. lol. fun to take funny pics with my phone. hahaha. damn dun have a pic with my direct junior! so sad lar. maybe wednesday during handover. haha. lalala. very random this few days. oops. haha. anyway really happy to handover to qian hui... haha oh she's a bballer too lor. so cool. i like =) haha she's a nice person la. i think she'll do well =) oh well... handover's really close liao. just like two days away. time to step down from hc. quite sad. think i know how the seniors felt last time when they were going to hand over to us ba. kind of miss them lor. oh well. but handing over's inevitable so yups. hmmm... wonder how wednesday will be like... oh well. back to school tmr. how sad. i don't want my results back. i already can predict what it'd be like so yeah. no way. i dun wan it back at all. =(

erm i have been tagged. lol.

1. Do the following WITHOUT complaints
2. Choose 5 person to do this after you completed yours
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with "I have been tagged!" then do this.

Currents
Current Mood: BLANK!
Current Taste: huh? errr...
Current Clothes: erm red t shirt, jeans and erm my black nike jacket? c'mon. i just got home lar. haha
Current Desktop: my 2 cute little baby cousins grinning =)
Current Toenail Colour: pink
Curent Time: 8.10 pm
Current Surroundings: hmm. walls? table? chairs? haha.
Current Annoyances: honestly? studies.
Current Thoughts: i need to start studying soon.

First
First Best Friends: hmm natalie? haha
First Crush: honestly i don't know and i don't remember.
First Music: erm. -thinks real hard- nursery rhymes a long long time ago? lol

Lasts
Last Cigarette: nono. not even planning to try
Last Drink: haha drink as in normal drink or er vodka that kind? lol.
Last Crush: if you know you know if you don't you don't. what even makes you so sure i even had one to begin with? lol.
Last Movie: oh gosh that was really awhile ago. errr... mission impossible 3?
Last Phone Call: eh? yinwei called last night to check on me
Last CD played: cd ar. jay chou's november's chaplin
Last song played: hmmm... let me check my phone... oh. amazing by westlife.

Have you ever
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: erm. i dun think so.
Have you ever broken the law: haha define law first. lol.
Have you ever been arrested: er no
Have you ever been on TV: yar. i think i climbed onto a tv before. lol. er if you consider those kind of videotape and then played on tv kind. it's still on tv right? haha.
Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: siao. haha crazy ar. lol.

5 things you are wearing: sounds like a repeat question? haha. erm red shirt, black jacket, jeans, earings, sunglasses... haha okay i kind of just bought them for fun. haha. fine. lol.
4 things you done today: eh. met rachel, kaiqin, yan ling, jean, dorothy... erm shopped? used my hp? er can see i'm really out of things to write. haha. i went online?
3 things you can hear right now: my typing. an incoming msg to my hp. er over my head by fray. nice nice song. haha
1 thing u do when you're bored:haha i dunno. what kind of question is that? if i'm bored i must have nothing better to do right? hahaha...

ehhh... cheryl jean rachel dorothy and hui xian

haha anyway i realised managed to meet quite a no of ij pple this week or so. really happy. haven't seen some of you in the longest time.. like since i went back to ij to get back my o level results lar. haha sorry for mia-ing so much. just haha kind of caught up doing other stuff? haha. hmmm... anyway jts for hc tmr. still remember last year's one. kind of miss the seniors and all... but oh well. yup life goes on. it's our turn! =p handover's really soon too.. time for me to slowly get myself to let go too... kinda hard i suppose. but it's inevitable yeah. lalala...

yay just picked dad up from the airport! he's back from denver. woo hoo~ =) oh the year ones completed their 72km awhile ago... after 30 hours. though not within the 21 hours but really glad they completed the entire thing. yayness... ooh. dad bought me nice nike stuff from the us! yay. haha the haven't come to singapore designs. nice nice. thankiew =) hahaha... a lot of chocolates and all at home now. yay... such a random random post! haha =)

sigh. sick. so tired. year one heading towards sji now. don't can meet the 21 hours liao. but really hope they will finish the entire 72km. i think they can and i think they will...

sigh. just cabbed back from the math jct. second exam in the row that i'm the first to disappear from the examination venue. horrendous. just.. arggh. i dunno what to do. this is totally pathetic. and i'm supposed to be year two already la. can i just jump off a building now or something? seriously... am i just stupid? or am just very stupid. i think the second option seems more apt. total rubbish la. i can even screw gp up. something that can't exactly be screwed that badly. seems like the log phase of the bio curve. each exam i screw up more and more at an excelerating rate. gp bio math and tmr chem. gone. just gone. jct is over for me. i dun even need to take the last paper. seriously. i already know the result. and when the time comes... everyone in class will be whining about why in the world they missed their A or Bs or why that A wasn't that of a better mark... while i'll be sitting there again listening to their whines... wondering yet again why in the world someone as pathetic as me is put into a class of this calibre... and why in the world i'm just so stupid. why i'm perpetually wondering how i'm going to pass... while everyone around me worries about how many distinctions they get. sigh. i dunno. right now i think i'm like the most pathetic soul on earth...

hmmm dad's birthday today. happy birthday! haha but he's in denver now. oh well. =/ hope it's fun over there. =) haha oh well... one more day to the start of jct. and i'm no where near done for any of the subjects. just hope... somehow i wun fail that badly... oh well... ahh. what am i doing here again. bleahx. i shall not blog from now till the cts are over. cannot cannot... no.. go back to bio kim go! shoo~

sigh. i need time... time is what i don't have now. suddenly thought of what jun sheng said this afternoon said.. time is scarce. that's the challenge. how true. then why do i keep wasting it. it's not like i have a lot of time to start off with. ahhh... what's wrong with me? i need to wake up. seriously. this cannot carry on. even my tutor's asking me when i'm stepping down. telling me that i have to step down asap and start studying to make up for everything i'm behind. it's not like i'm behind by a little only la. i'm behind by the entire syllabus. times three for three subjs. i am so smart. i let this happen. now i have to figure out a way to make it right. actually i don't have to figure a way out. i just need to spend time to study. i have to. sigh. ahh don't think about it anymore. sigh. what am i doing online? i should be studying. rarh... anyway this is so random but this is a song i that dunno why but i really like that keeps playing on my phone's walkman now...

Over my head (Cable Car) by Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind

Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

okay... back to bio =( sighhhh...

hmmm... am i always missing. like always not there? cos someone said that again today. just the other day when i went for a family bbq thing. my aunt was like hmmm then came closer to look... and she was -looks in disbelief- like kimberley is that you? you finally free enough to come ar? how come today so free don't have anything on? hmmmm... am i really that mia? i know like more than half the time i'm like in school or something.. but hmm really that bad meh? uh... i dunno. sigh. i'll be much free-er in time to come though. hmm. haha. but... hmmmm... okay... hmmmm

finally managed to make time to run a couple of rounds... quite glad about that. but from there kind of realised that i'm really quite screwed. ended up completing less rounds than i had wished. kind of ended up hobbling out like 2 rounds before my target round completion. damn. and it wasn't like a fast pace to me or anything. this is crap. okay so maybe i was like being funny trying to run when i already knew what was happening to me. bleahx. =( just a sudden random thought. if a person has a really really bad injury... i see no point in asking that person to continue. just stop and rest it's for the betterment of the future. hmmm yeah. random thought. dunno where it came from. haha

hmm recently... the normal pain from walking suddenly became a sharp pain each step i take. even when sitting, i can feel it hurting most of the time. kaileng told me it was most prob cos my knee has worn out or something. i dun feel like telling the doc. cos i dun wanna go back for physio anymore. and i don't want to rest. i have enough time to do so during the a's period i presume. i don't care. i can do it.. i'll just start slower than usual... then maybe build up slowly again. i'll control my steps. i see it more as a challenge. the more it's pulling me down, the more i have to do something about it. the more i have to beat it. and i will. especially for the 2.4 run in the later term. so have to get a nice timing. i don't care. i'm an oacian la. so have to get a max 12+min timing. no more. no way.

sigh. sometimes i really miss the bballing times. the times when we just run and run and run like nobody's business... run and sprint and run and sprint. so fun lar. especially loved the times when we played matches and like i could get the ball way behind the halfway line, while the defender is already past the halfway line... and still out sprint that person to get to the other end of the court and lay up like 10 over meters in front of that person. haha. all the satisifation i got from that. and all the shots. haha. it's really been a long time... i think i will so play like shit now. and seriously i dun run as fast as before anymore. damn. come to think of it... i do miss the 7 rounds warm ups followed by sprints or four corners.. and more sprints.. and more running... and finally 3-on 3 for hours before our sad like 5mins water break. and then back to like full court layups and 3-on-3s again... and shooting whereby if like hmm only 8 out of 10 penalties or 6 out of 10 3 pointers can save you from running another 10 rounds. haha no wonder i made it a point to make my shooting so precise in the past. lol. and the matches we played there after. and i miss the 7 rounds cool down. and the cool down exercises which came with it. damn i miss bball and the tracks and the courts. too bad it won't be there when i go back anymore cos the thing's been rebuilt. it will never look the same lar. no way. oh well. why in the world am i even talking about all these stuff now? haha. must have been some random thought again. i am being so random these days. haha.

anyway i so love oac too. so glad i have them. i sooo loveeee land lar. i wish i could go backpacking in some foreign country after the a's and navigate my way around with a map... orienteering! and a little transportation help here and there. omg lar. that's like a dream holiday can. woo hoo~~ and quite a number of us decided that we'll be coming back for the march expe next year liao. hope the future land dept will do a good job of it yeah. i'm sure they will =) lalala... and hope eng wei can make it also. ns lar. haha. my perpetual expe partner. it'd be weird going on my first expe without him as my partner or going w/o him around. haha. oh well... we'll see ba. lalala. quite wanna try out korbu lol. *hint* hahaha kiddinggg... shui bian lar. pick a nice mountain that serves the purpose and objectives of march expe can liao. just dun choose kinabalu or ophir can liao. haha i'm like talking to myself liao. haha too happy le. just changed phone today... to the w700i. dunno but i think i'm like too easily amused and excitable by the phone. hahaha... walkman phones rock sia =)

oh my such a long and full of crap entry i realised. haha. anyway, cham. not even a week left to jct. did i ever mention how very screwed i am? i'm like nowhere lar. and i dunno anything can. so so going to flunk the jcts this time round. shit lar. so so screwed. better not flunk it until single digit or something... or... lalala. i'm so so dead... bleahx. i better study properly tmr sia

all i need is a nice long run around the tracks. i'll be fine. =)

just got back from froggie's house awhile ago. though it's like always a small group of people turning up... but i seriously have to say i enjoyed it. i love my hc. totally cannot deny that. am happy today =D 13th beta hc rocks. =)
quite a sudden change of mood... but i dunno. i realised i've been very unhappy these couple of days... a lot more unhappy than usual. though i really try my best to make everything seem alright... make everything seem fine... but i don't think i managed to be as objective as before these few days. so many times i wanted to just give up. really tried. but sometimes i just can't seem to register things in my mind. maybe these few days it's not good for me to make decisions at all. if i even manage to make one that is. i dun really know exactly what's wrong. just some stuff pulling me down. but it's those kind of stuff that i guess will never be solved. maybe it will maybe it won't. cos it's something that i'll probably never bring up to the person. the element i like is just too important to me. i think only sheepie understands what i'm talking about and how i feel. honestly i don't want to care. but it just bugs me so. cos everytime something degrading is said about it... it's as good as stabbing me with each sentance they say. it really hurts. cos that thing is my life. and i pride it so. i know that they don't know and see it as just making joking comments... but though i make it seem as if i'm fine with everything and everything's okay, it really hurts me so inside. to a point that i nearly cried after that long meeting after punishment day. only sheepie knows. i mean like that thing's not solely mine. but that of some others too. but why those others seem to look down on it so much i don't understand. what's so bad about it? why these negative connotations all the time? just because most never liked it and just like partially got forced into it? if that's the case why not learn to like it? or any negative comments just keep it to yourselves unless it's constructive. cos it's really not funny at all. okay so maybe everything's meant as a joke. and maybe i view things more seriously because i'm not too happy about my own personal stuff like my studies. but after a long while it really is not funny anymore. it becomes somewhat... annoying.
i dunno. i think i'm just rambling about the same point. i don't want to be direct. cos it's not meant for anyone to understand. just want an indirect avenue to put out what i feel and what's been going on in my mind. no one needs to understand cos i'll never approach this thing i suppose. let them be. let everything be. i'll get used to it sometime. i just don't want to think of it anymore. i have more important stuff to do now. like study and pray hard for a miracle that somehow i can scrape out a pass for the jcts. i don't care. and i don't want to care.

sigh. it's like two weeks or less to the jcts. and i can't really seem to get myself going. i already know deep inside how badly i'm going to flunk this jcts. i don't know. even if i am going to flunk it, i should be trying to flunk it with relatively decent flunk grades. not all the rock bottom low almost reaching single digit or even single digit kind of fail. i don't know what to do. suddenly i feel... helpless...

june camp is over. honestly i don't really know what to say. mixed emotions i suppose. in a way i'm glad it's over. finally can pave the way for my studies. but on the other hand... quite worrying. and i don't really want to hand over. sigh. and i thought the jnr hc was all we would be worried about. don't really know what to say about the junior's performance... okay so physically they're not all that bad off. but... hmm they failed campcraft, sea, land. that's all the components of oac. and they didn't finish a single one. most disappointly, they chose to give up on the 72km orienteering. i don't think any batch has ever chosen to give up on 72km before. seriously. i think they're the first. precision orienteering test. there were people who didn't know how to use a compass. how to use pacing. how to find their current location even using the road signs around. no one at all passed precision. we came to realise... they don't know their stuff. most of them that is. and hey their pain threshold is really low. they gave up on the basis that they're too tired to continue. and that they had casualties-which was cos they have soaked feet and it felt sore? i dunno. i guess we were all really shocked when they called us to tell us that they wanted to give up. even though they knew that it was their last chance to even complete something for the entire june camp. though they already failed after passing the 22nd hour. but seriously i dunno how they did it. but at night they literally walked at 1km per hour. sigh. dunno la. anyway out of point. that's not the most important thing. the worst thing was... that their mentality is wrong. it's like so long as we survive through the camp no matter whether they fail or pass we'd eventually have to hand over to them some day. and they just keep dropping out everywhere... when actually they can do it one. oh and they don't even think it was wrong for them to have given up on the 72k. i dunno. it's like everything's wrong. the entire team's mentality is wrong. sigh. dunno. i really have nothing to say anymore. really makes me wonder if we failed as instructors... how are we going to handover like this?

hmm been awhile since i last posted. sports carnival, titans and batch gathering are all over. now it's just one day away from june camp that starts next week.

hmm sports carnival was... uh. nothing much to say la. just stunning. yeah. grace aijia shimin ain mo and i became like beta captains ball teams 1 2 3 4. haha i think the referee just closed one eye la. cos we a bit the pathetic already sia. basketball was okay la. just realised that some pple really very no sportsmanship. i mean like fine so you want to win but without any sportsmanship at all like what's the point. played with the alpha team. they like told aijia that they never played bball before then get the ball should just throw and don't keep it in posession. yeah right. think i'm dumb ar. i can see a bballer when i see one. then they good. push down the beta players.. then they take the ball away and what do they do? just ask one line. are you okay? then without waiting for a reply just start playing bball again. shocked. totally never seen this like of no sportsmanship players before la. not even at the nationals. so horrible. then stunning la. our juniors let so many events walk over. didn't even bother to look for subsitutes. we asked them whether they have enough teams or not. then that person just looked at us and said... oh the girls team redrew. then just sat back down and slacked. kaoz. not a surprise when beta's fire was the first to go. means last for sports carnival la. anyway haha even more shocking. we were in the hc room. then recieved a call needing more players for a certain game la. so okay we went. then still not enough pple. started calling people we know and people from the jnr hc themselves -like how come they dun know how to do that? to come la. then hmm we quite the pro la. got into the finals. then someone remarked to the jnr that called us down that beta quite pro ar in the finals. then that jnr replied- of cos! the team is i assemble one. walao! ain and i looked at each other la. stunning remark. woo hoo. the juniors rock. we were totally stunned yet again.

titans was quite okay la. super proud of the beta titans. think they did great =) we were so so super close to second. and pretty close to first. was like quite nervous for them throughout especially when i knew the results after every day of titans. but we don't have to win to prove that we've got a strong team la. we lagged from the individual events. cos yeah we all know what happened to our soccer players. our best bets la. sad sad. then we closed up the gaps until we were so so close on the last day. almost made it. but not important la. just shows that we're pro. we won the second day somemore. log pt leh. hahahahahaha. we are just so pro! hahahaha... beta titans rocks la. =) it can only get better in the following years. this year beta was the house with the most standards already. everyone agrees on that. so yeah quite happy. can can. next year they better do better errr under the jnr com. hopefully. haha. i'll be back i suppose. muahaha. anyway the seniors that came back for titans rocks sia. hahahaha. very interesting pple. glad i got to know them through titans

batch gathering was okay lar. many batches of seniors. i suppose finally we know who they are. always wondering what they look like from the writtings on the tables or ceilings. haha some i realise the names dun really look like the person leh. haha. dunno. lalala... interesting lar. been quite a while since we last saw saw our seniors also. prior to titans la...

hmm... tues spent so much time studying bio spa with yanling yinwei and arvin. haha super sian but first time i can say i really really tried hard to study. oh. i realised when arvin shops for food he really shops. impressed sia. haha froggy =) wed was the spa... whoa. not bad. actually knew what to write most of the time. though i still think it's a bit dumb. to speed write the 10 pages worth of answers within 1 hour. but at least i survived la. haha then went out with aijia and grace. quite fun la. photo taking sessions everywhere. haha i think pple think that we've gone crazy liao or something. haha. then went shopping... and ehh went to k box also. though i realise i really quite don't like that place. hahaha. oh well. yesterday went with froggy to orchard for lunch and to shop around before meeting the rest. haha. then mo joined us halfway. so funny. she paranoid liao sia. everytime the frog look at her she like wanna run away and hide. lol. esp after telling us she was going to china la. walao. hahahaha... so the frog and i decided to not do anything just say only see how she react. haha. sia la. we just look at her also she paranoid that we conspired to do something to her sia. damn funny. hahahaha. froggy rocks la. hahaha... then met ain rach and eevien. haha went to shop awhile also. but in the end also like didn't manage to buy anything for the jts. oops. but nevermind lar. still got time right. hahahaha...

ahh june camp tmr. haha. but i need to study sia. was talking to froggy yesterday over lunch ma. then suddenly realised right after my june camp i only have two weeks left to study for my jct. which is obviously not enough time. really need to chiong. but can't seem to do it. how how how.. froggy says that fail jct will just end up in a lot of remedial classes that sort of thing. sigh. but really quite scared not. i dun wanna fail jct again. =( how.. sigh. i need to study! help help helppp...

extreme disappointment. that's all i have to say. really disappointed by today. and i know that i'm definately not the only one so disappointed. sigh. the junior com never fails to surprise us. and today we were dealt with our ultimate suprise. totally no comments. so so disappointed. now i know what human politics really is about. now i know how popularity wins the rest. now i know how people can't make rationale decisions. now i know what a power struggle is. sigh. so disappointed. and we thought they were improving. i see we were wrong. just when we thought that we had put enough into them to realise what they were lacking of and what they need... we get this kind of rubbish. i came to realise now that capable people are always not necessarily elected. all you have to have is popularity. or to mix with the right people and psycho or brainwash them that you're a really good person and you'll get the positions you want. sigh. we shrunk the com. it's small enough. and now the capable people are not in the exco while the not half as capable people are.... sigh. honestly i think both vice capts are crap. we all agree. the capable ones weren't chosen. damn sad la. cannot believe we let it go through like that. the com is horrible. even people very against someone at the start at the end became the most pro-that person. cos he's capable motivating and cares for others. period. we agree that the sports sector will die. i mean like just look at who's succeeding us as sports capts and vice capt sports. how many people who will actually do work properly. i can count with my fingers. at most 1 or 2. seriously next year when i come back i can expect us to be last for every sporting arena. and house function i wonder what's going to happen. sigh.very sad. our sports captains mostly all the will clash and argue with each other... and will not be there people. sigh. okay la. i shouldn't say anything. just super disappointed with the elections. and disappointed with what happened there after. when all the juniors pangsei-ed us. didn't care about us and all... all that kind of stuff again. some kind of respect. i suppose quite a no of us feel it so hard when the postings were done cos it's horrible and we know the com will fail. horrible when we've put in so much time and effort to help keep beta at that standard and we dun wanna see everything we've done just go down the drain like that. i dun know. really sad. sad that the com seems so screwed. sad that i feel as if everything's a waste. feel as if i'm really stupid. really stupid to have spent so much time on hc if it was going to get screwed up anyway. sigh. really sad. maybe just maybe they can prove to better. we'll be waiting for them to earn our respect. for now i feel as if i really need to start studying after all the time wasted. we love 13th beta hc. sigh. =(

hc camp's over. i miss my house com. we're full of crap. i realised wherever we go... beta hc will make the place very noisy and full of crap. our debrief was the best. caw caw caw... haha omeg we're so full of crap. the camp was pretty disappointing lar. a lot of chao keng one. a lot of leeways here and there. but yet... haiz. and super disappointed with attitudes here and there la. shall not elaborate. had this long long debrief and thrash out. hope it does much good for the junior house com. maybe they'll be a bit more bonded next time round. anyway this year's shirt okay lar. not too bad. though i like black shirts, this white shirt not bad lar. i just wished that hc elections and camp could have been more formal and strict-like last year. oh well. dunno. let's hope so. elections for posting soon. hope they choose wisely

thurs was inflammable... like finally. we were so worried that it'd rain that we even set the wet weather plan as the no one priority if the weather looked threatening. the weather forecast didn't help either. said that it was going to rain. but hey though the thunder and lightning came, there was no rain! haha so it went along. so happy la. the function was okay la. not all that great. very scaled down from what was previously planned because of the problems from the last time we tried. oh well. but nonetheless quite impressive considering all the constraints we faced =) haha and not bad we're the first house to pull off a major house event without a band. hahaha. why are we so prooo! lol =p not bad la. =) and finally managed to solve all the adventure tower stuff just before the event itself so yeah quite happy that it ended up quite okay and properly done. haha. oh. right. some guy scared me though. was offering them the happy food ma. then there was this guy who kept insisting on wanting to er personally feed me one of the sweets. then i was like it's okay... then he was like c'mon la then after that i dance the cannibal king with with you k. omg haha i was a bit the freaked out but cannot show it ma. so just haha it's okay then walk off. haha scary scary. hope it doesn't happen again. haha. anyway it rained right after the last song finished playing and the food reception started. so lucky. so run off to get all the equiptment in. haha how ept. started off our first function with rain and finally end with the major house function ending with rain also. haha really aquesous. the water house. we literally bring in the rain all the time. haha. but fun la. glad that we pulled it off without the rain. no complaints =) oh man. during the preperations zhi zhan told me that i became more girly. really meh. is that good or bad. the way it sounded it sounded bad. oh no. how now. heh. hahahahaha... oh well. but still happy that all the tying of the fire structure, soaking and drying stuff in kerosine, tying of tripods and banners... and all the fire stuff didn't go to waste. thank goodness it didn't rain =D

some people can just be so.... arggh. forget it. i've absoultely nothing to say.

elections today =) i like. haha. so interesting can. pap won again. good good. i like. haha. and the two opposition candidates i like got their constituencies as well. very good =) damn didn't manage to catch a proper rally. especially one by the opposition party... the pong pasir or hougang one. damn. next time round. haha. probably can vote by then.. -grins away- hahaha... oh well anyway went to ms lim's house for the baby shower. sooo cute can the baby.. ahaha. then went orchard to er supposedly go recce with liesel and the rest of some of the people of the hc. hahaha. anyway we ended up going on a major shopping spree. both feeling so accomplished today. got quite a number of stuff each of us wanted. ahaha. we even got a team jersey la. haha. nice we bought ours already just need to wait for the others to argee to buying it as well. then can get it done and completed before titans hopefully =) black adiddas. so nice and sei. nice nice. =) hahaha. i like shopping with liesel yay =) haha. eh. most of us-oac went to watch mission impossible 3 also. not too bad la. haha. been a long time since i last stepped into a theatre already. haha. oh well. shopping is fun =) hmmm... haha. but.. haha. i'm still not doing what i'm supposed to be doing. studying. heh. this is not good. no idea why every single day for this entire week i'll just fall asleep once i get home. no idea why i'm so tired everyday. blah dunno =( oh they're going kayaking tmr. and i still can't go =( this sucks. hmm saw the ad for the shape competition. the 5km run sounds fun. just for the fun of it. haha nice... feel like joining. in july... =) hmmm... haha =)

maybe i'm just living in a lie. a seemingly normal enviroment i created for myself. i keep on trying to think that everything will be okay. but maybe it just isn't. perhaps i was wrong. perhaps i thought that i could just carry on like this everyday. but this is not the way. it's time to change and do something about it. short of time short of everything. stretched but yet not so streched. short of time but perhaps misusing the occasional free times. always telling myself to but yet nothing ever happens. kim, you really need to do something about it. before it's too late.

hmmm anyway i dunno. realised my form teacher's so brave. she still continued to teach us- though i dun take physics anymore, come for civics and even went through the parents teacher dialogue the other day. though she constantly looked quite pale and tired... we never knew what had happened. not until today. our chem tutor let us know. no wonder. her husband passed away. he fell in the hotel in china. such an unexpected death. and was during that mardi gras period somemore. can just imagine all that she had to go through just go get the body back while grieving and still continuing to take care of us all this while until the body finally returned to singapore today. so brave and so professional. new found respect for her.

just some random thoughts here and there i suppose. i dunno rubbished post. ignore it.