hmm. maybe i should explain what happened that haha landed me in there for so long. eh. k cos friday i woke up with red eye too swollen to be opened. so skipped school... went to the gp... said that i had a cornea ulcer gave me some antibiotic eyedrops and yeah if it improves then good if it doesn't go back. heh. so saturday yeah became worse. vision in the right eye got blocked entirely because the ulcer was in the centre of the cornea and well it became er sort of larger? so sunday went back and got immediate referral to ttsh a & e... yeah. apparently quite bad so was admitted in. the ulcer was caused by abrasion of the contact lens with the eye. so yeah. put me on those stronger antibiotic eyedrops every 30 mins including sleeping time for the first few days until it showed signs of improvement. heh. lucky it kind of responded to those eyedrops la. vision sucks. cos all i could see was nothing but a sheet of white. so kind of survived 7 days attempting to read stuff mostly with one eye. tiring. anyway shan't talk about the rest. heh. had to go back to ttsh again today. beginning to be able to see numbers with that eye. haha good. but thing is it'll never fully recover. so yeah eyesight will become permanently blurrer. oh well. like that loh. and hmm i'm not allowed to go swimming? so looks like i'll spend half my pe time er. slacking. ha. sad. to think i was actually looking forward to mass swimming =( oh well. anyway probably have to stay away from contacts liao. doc says this time round it's already a major complication and next time round might not be so lucky. already lucky that it actually responded to the treatment and eyesight's slowly coming back. though there's thinning of the cornea and it kind of caused everything to be like very inflammed that kind of thing. oh well. i sound draggy. haha. one incident i won't wanna talk about again so yeah. bleahx. must go back on thurs again to make sure it's stabilised. =( rarh. oh well. just ranting now. heh. sigh. everyone's telling me to study nowadays. guess what mw said yesterday put everything into retrospective for me ba. have to start studying now. if not when the time comes it'll be too late. don't wanna regret next year when i get my results back. but somehow... i don't know. but i'm a bit lost as to how start... hmm. sigh.

been in hospital for 7 long days. boring stuff. finally. er. released today. love that doctor. for giving me the option to go home. muahaha. long awaited question. though it came a day too late. why wasn't he there yesterday? oh well. sigh. missed a lot of stuff this past 7 days. missed the house event. missed night cycling. and now missing the march expedition. sigh. this sucks. sigh i wanna go... =(
I MISS THE OACIANS!
rarh. wonder how they're doing now. sigh. can't wait for evaluation day to come so that i can see them again. sigh. one week. a lot to catch up on as well. add that with the whole of last year's work and this year's work as well. woo hoo. i'm going to have hell of a time. math test on the first day of school when it reopens. ha. cos kind of obviously didn't get above 50 marks for last year's promos. heh. still haven't passed a single test this year. this is so good. sigh. long long mc. now even allowed to go swimming now. so what can i do? not exactly supposed to run to swim to read too much to do anything. rarh. i'm highly... restricted. sigh. don't know la. need to study... catch up. or at least er fill in those blank notes and maybe tutorials too? bleahx. sigh... but i'm tired. so so tired. too tired to carry on...

sigh. a level results came out today. honestly... i'm worried. really really very worried. hmm ao chinese results came out today also. sigh some bad day can. lectures left me a bit the half asleep. then came gp tutorial in which i got back my essay which i failed ridiculously. like really super bad. then okay loh. anything. then came mass civics. wonderful. the principal suddenly wanted to talk to the student leaders about all the concerns of the students and all... then yeah. kind of no choice but to er sit in for the discussion. which kind of took up my lunch time. so had like 5mins to find mum to get something impt before rushing to lt1 to get ao chinese back. the more time passed while waiting, the more convinced i was that i failed chinese and so have to retake it. serious. not many pple seemed to be doing well for chinese. then instead of wishing to just scrape a basic pass of D7, i ended up mentally preparing myself to get D7 or below. prepared to see E8 and F9. serious. was waiting to see it already. then like everyone seemed so jing zhang. was just sitting there thinking to myself that i'll just turn away the moment i see the number eight or nine. immune to failing things already. sigh. then went and looked. okay worst of the class. kind of expected. but er passed. but obviously not good la. dunno la. then pple asking me how i did loh. aiya whatever la. and not intending to retake.... i can't do it anymore. nah. no more. leave it as that. give up already anyway. then year twos got results back also. knew about the math results since math lecture. then dunno la. the statistics sounded reasonable. but apparently worse than the previous year. don't know. seemed pretty good to me. hmm. but number of four as dropped quite a fair bit. heh. besides the point. anyway didn't hear much good news from them also. then dunno la. felt a bit the sad. then added with the ao thing earlier. felt really like crap la. especially at the arp at the adventure tower. like got the feeling of helplessness. like i didn't know what to do or what to say to people. sigh. worried for the senior batch. worried for friends. and suddenly... but surely.... not only me la. we got worried too. suddenly it was like something woke me up. snapped me out of my current state. cos like some of us are fairing a lot worse than the senior batch. like the never passed before that kind. then was thinking. do i really want to end up like two years ago. when i got my o level results back. ended up crying. yeah sure they were all as. but still the final grade... not good enough. do i really want to regret this time round? next year at this time... can i confidently wait for my results and say hey i'll even manage out a basic pass of like e or os? maybe it's time for me to wake up of my dream. i've been dreaming for too long. time to start studying. especially after this month and probably next month. after most of my major events are up. then maybe can concentrate more. anyway that will come when it comes. still more worried for others. sigh. hope everyone will be fine... and that they will stay happy... kind of miss the senior batch of pple. ahh... okay. they will be fine. yups. they will. but... sigh. don't know. getting a bit the distracted while typing this. not so coherent thoughts. heh. just thinking and thinking. scared for them. worried for them. haiz. this is definately not a good day... not a good day at all.

sigh. this is about it. can i just give up now? so so tired of everything. nothing will ever change will it. things never change. and people can be so pretentious at times. i don't understand why. i don't see the use of trying anymore. i don't see the point of rushing everywhere and trying to get stuff done all the time. i don't see a point of anything. just don't have the strength to carry on anymore. to keep trying to endure everything and to pretend that everything's okay. it's not. and it'll never will be...

three words. just hang on.
hmm. yeah that's what mr fun told me after we talked for awhile.
how apt...
though at times i really want to give up right here, right now. i don't know. so tired of rushing here and there, chionging homework between breaks and attempting to pass tests. none of which have been successful. two months have passed. approaching the third month already. nothing has changed. time is passing so quickly. even before i know it. house event's next wednesday. march expedition's coming soon. house function coming. suddenly, even sports day, sports carnival and titans seems so close. why can't i seem to find time to catch up... why can't i seem to keep pace even with current lectures and tutorials. lost is lost. but there're still topics here and there in math and bio that don't require past knowledge. so why can't i just keep pace with those? only a few months left. am i really planning to carry it on this way? or what am i going to do about everything? sigh. think it's time for... heh. self reflection or something.

hmm. results are out. less than 20 mins for the 3.6km. er okay la. can't really complain i suppose? =/

hmm. don't know whether to be sad or happy today... okay so we didn't get first for road run. but hey. we tried our best right. i'm sure our cheering was better than the rest.. just that. haha. some house just had to win it cos they didn't win anything else. more fair la. mmm. but not bad la. first place for both guys and girls all beta one. =) yups. so not bad la. at least we were organised too yeah =) hmm... anyway my last road run liao. haha. k. a bit like that day i love and hate. hate cos it got me so super nervous knowing it's the last one i'm taking part in. love cos it's been something i've been somewhat looking forward to knowing that it's the last run i'm going for and hey it's taken quite a lot for me to get here. all the objections to me going and all... cos my my knee... i don't know. a bit disappointed with the pace i ran at still... definately not my best. but i suppose i'll live with it? considering knee then didn't have time to warm up cos was busy helping to take attendance and giving out number tags and haha stitch again and some other weird problems. don't know la. haha. was bluffing myself all the way la. wanted to stop at the gate... and the slope... and the long long road. but i suppose... one thing i'm happy about it not stopping... and running all the way. kept reminding myself that it's the last time i'm running and it's a waste to walk cos if i did i'd have wasted all the time i saved by running constantly. haha. oh well. funny run. funny mindgame. i suppose... to some extent it's really mind over body ba. haha. oh well. 50 sth position. hai hao i suppose. hey. got what we aimed for right? top 100. haha. considering there were more than 400 runners la. right. should be la. counting by teams. then still have the fun runners. heh. at least it's over. yay. k. can give up running le. take up something... something like swimming! yeah man.

haha. k la. one event down... but that means that time really files too. not good. cos studies are no where. need to study. haven't passed a single test this year and counting. tutorials are no where. lost at lectures. woo hoo. screwed. failing next week's tests... but cannot fail the chem spa. fail le means cham liao. rarh. am so being monitored already. help. fail more tests equals seeand talk to teachers more times about studies... not good... study kim study... ahh... sigh. how. this year's really moving so quickly. what they all told me is true. should have listened. too bad i didn't really act on it. but really have to start liao. so so out of time.... study kim study...


why are we so prooo... why the rest so slowww...

=(

=(
sigh.

=( =( =( =( =(

sigh. let me introduce something. for this week everyday that i'm unhappy i'll post sad smily. just want to see how many times a week i'm unhappy. shall start off with today...
=(

lousy. haven't passed a single test at all so far for this year. not a single one. our of the three subject tutors i've had to see two. basically for my lousy results. gp's beginning to become quite horrible as well. don't believe i've passed that this year as well. so basically i haven't passed anything at all. mrs ng was asking me about how i'm coping and all. whether i'm using the extra time after dropping a subject to study or spending it on my pdps. hmm. sigh. and she was telling me that i'm very short of time to study and catch up... which is so so true. i've everything to catch up for for bio. almost everything for math. and everything for chem as well. sigh. so much backlog. in such big trouble. how now? a classmate of mine's always like looking at my stuff then go your math is really bad. your p and c is really bad. p and c pple can just solve with one two lines only. why's your working so long. sigh. like i know la. sigh. then whenever i don't know something she'll give me that omg such a simple thing and you don't know it. like the entire world knows it that kind of look. sigh. i'm so sorry i don't know la. and if it was really that easy why would she be asking me right? she should know herself. sigh. don't know la. sometimes i don't know whether to laugh or to cry at this. it's just ongoing everyday... and i'm so tired of it. so tired that i become somewhat immune to it. i'm trying. i've been trying to do my tutorials and listen during class already. and still i have to go through the why are you do dumb thing everyday. give me a break la. i know i never fitted in with this class. i never will. but still. the most just leave me alone. i'll be happier that way. serious. sigh. anyway duathlon tmr. hope it'll be a good one. better not rain. haiz

sigh. ankle giving me problems sia. something wrong. woke up today... right ankle was too weak for me to even stand. took awhile just to be able to balance and stand up. even so it hurt. walking hurt too. even sitting. just moving it hurt. hmm. really don't know what's going on with it. a bit irritating. think it's too weak now. how. sigh. road run coming. arggh. haven't been running much. just pe. bleahx. not good. faster... faster... sigh. surf and sweat coming up. doing individual again this year. sigh. lazy to run. but in a way it's good. extra training for road run. heh. sigh. need to study. but don't feel like it as usual. rarrrhhh. this is so not good. have to start have to start...

sigh. wanted to go for a jog today. but knee and thighs way too sore from yesterday's physio =/ die la. like that carry on... later the road run route itself also cannot finish. cham. =/ how now. sighhh

went back to ij yesterday. mass was the usual. except that er i was sitting next to this bunch of super noisy and crazy ij pple. seriously crazy la. they started barking in the middle on nowhere. scream in the middle of no where and kaoz. it's non stop. nearly died. so left before the entire celebrations ended to go explore the new school. the infrastructure is weird. and confusing. i swear if i had moved along with this sch to tpy... i'd be lost around the sch and the pri sch for a week. everything looks the same. gross colours though. so purple. stick to blue and white la. ij what. hmm. but they've a nice fitness corner. lousy tracks. er. ball court's quite nice. hey most of my bball jnrs appealed into aj. so they're all there. sigh. oh well. hmm yeah. anyway the school's changed so much. only certain small areas here and there that they preserved. even so it's changed quite a fair bit as well. so sad. the feeling of going back to your secondary and primary school with practically no memories cos it's just so so different. =/ oh well. sad. won't be visiting much anymore i suppose. not much of a point...

okay... weird day. haha. reached tpy at 9 plus.. wanted to print a photo. so went to the digital thing to place my order. then got this slip of paper. was wondering if i needed to show it to the guy at the counter at the other side. since he was busy and the piece of paper said bring this slip of paper along with you, i happily presumed that it meant bring it along with you when you want to collect the photo. so okay... i went to bk to kill time i little. looked at differential equations tutorial. got super bored after awhile because i just couldn't seem to solve much stuff. so i decided to read the reciept again. then shit. realised that i was indeed supposed to show the person at the counter the piece of paper. after half an hour. not bad. heh. then gave it and paid up. nothing to do so got myself a milkshake and went shopping around. couldn't find what i wanted. so went to another level and back down. the photo thing slipped off my mind. so i took the first bus from the interchange that goes to my home. after getting on it... was keeping my wallet... when it hit me that the reason why i took so long to set off for home was for the photo. so stopped that the next stop and brisk-walk/ran to the shop cos it was approaching the due time. kaoz. haha. rubbish la. i forgot so many things within such a short period of time =/ cham. haha. anyway i managed to get my tuck in shirt! hahaha. =) finally. haha... good good. yay =) arggh a bit the super lag on tutorials and lectures though. need to catch up. rarrrhhh. a lot a lot! =( helppp... but i can do it right? sigh. i hope so.

just got back from cg outing. not bad la. for once everyone's there. someone told me that my class is finally showing some sign of er unity after a year. hmm. yeah. interesting. not bad la. play with the charcol set fire keep fire er attempt to cook food. got nice thing in the playground. nice fo fly here and there. eh yeah. not bad la actually. eh. was talking for awhile. then someone asked me where i lived. said tpy. then that person was like oh that's far. why didn't you try nj instead? hmm. omg la. that struck me again. i don't know why. everytime someone asks me that question.... sigh... some form of regret. something i'll regret for a long time to come i suppose =( then the same person was like... wow then how do you do it? hc and all... and having to be so enthu all the time... haha. that's a good question. well i just have to. not much of a choice anymore is it? heh. sometimes i still wonder how it'd be like in nj. oh crap. don't think so much. like i always say only a few months and i'll be free. no point regretting again. nothing will change. sigh. anyway tmr's the house function thing. got all the logistics done today. the oac stuff and the pe dept stuff. rarh. mr ng is nice though. sigh. then there was records meeting also. last minute. good. then apparently there's anothe meeting tmr morning too. wow. er. like a bit more than 12 hours in advance only. good. very powerful. so last minute la. everything is like so luan now. sigh. think records is a horrible comm to be in. why couldn't i have stalls or something else =( oh well. sigh. die la. records until cny. after cny i still won't be freed of cny. need to compile and do the book ofo records. very powerful. =( math tutor's going very fast. treating us like some great class. always doing s ppr stuff and making us do questions on the spot. sigh. so dead. there's a reason why i'm not taking math s ppr or even f math. i can't do it. really. i can't. i can't even catch up for math at all la. die. =( can i give up now. can i take back physics and drop math? it's really better that way. sigh. packed week. running around again. rarrrhhh.. a few more months. a few more months and i can leave this school. yes! sigh. i can do this... i can... -starts psychoing myself again-

sigh. somehow i think it's happening again. beginning to lag behind again. playing the catch up game big time again. too tired to do tutorials. too tired to stay awake during tutorials or lectures. completely lost as to what's going on during the lecture. rushing from one place to another. rushing for like two to three concurrently running or one after another meetings. oh no. that one still okay. i'll survive. but academics wise. hmmm... really need to do something about it already. i'm sure it's do-able. i'm sure it's cope-able. just haven't found the right way to do it i suppose. but it's a lot better than last year already. rarrhh. just don't like the feeling of catching up all the time.. but oh well. no choice right. somehow have to balance the now's work with catching up. haha. maybe that's really what my now-free periods are for =) time management? maybe that's what i quite lack now. need to start planning liao. okie. shall go off... 5 gp articles to finish by tmr to be handed in. =( study... this year have to study liao... i can do this =)

hmm. orientation's over. so is pt day. haha. don't know what to say. er. actually couldn't wait for orientation to be over. so tiring having to sleep past midnight and then wake up around five each morning and still having to try to be so enthu for the orientation. oh well. but in the end... it was worth it ba. love the pple i had and the pple i worked with. haha. didn't know the ogr so sai kang one. was super shocked when i suddenly recieved three cgs instead of two somemore. 2,6, 34... but... had great ogls to help me out... they rock la. ogms also. esp the class i took. pretty enthu. rocks. really nice pple. =) suntec mass dance rocked. seriously had fun that night. last day of orientation was a blast too! went to marina square for lunch and bowling. haha. first ball was a strike. so cool. and i don't even know how to hold the ball. haha. interesting. quite fun. o night was pretty interesting too. so many performances and bands. hahaha. but aiya mass dance still rocks the most! woo hoo... haha... oh og2-zephyr rocks. and most importantly azurous rocks....
pple say we're the best! who say you say i say... who say you say i say... haha. love that cheer =) hope the beta spirit will carry on in them ba. =) oh and arvin was such a great clan leader la. seriously. haha. the year ones agreed as well =) let's hope they continue to support all beta functions ba. =)

hmm pt day yesterday... after o night. not that bad ba. glad everyone did it together.. yups. we managed to achieve what we ourselves percieved relatively crazy and impossible at the beginning. sigh. though yesterday alsoo highlighted some problems we have in our team. we all know what it is la. something that'd happen sooner or later anyway. sigh. really hope this thing will be solved before the year ones come in- which is very soon. don't want them to see any loopholes in our team at all. oh well. anyway so lucky to have such a great team... hope our orientation camp'd be nice and fun. haha... there are ijtp pple coming for it! woo hoo =D yeah manz. =)

oh well. tests coming up also. don't know when. very soon i'm sure. don't know haven't checked. cham. time to start studying and doing my homework. haha. please let this year be a good one =)

school is reopening. orientation tmr. going to be such a long day. such a long week. such a long year. sigh. nevermind. this is the start of something new. i can do this. i believe i can. i can i must and i will do it.

okay. happy new year. 2006 is here. just came back awhile ago from carol's party. rocks. thanks! haha... hmm... right now really don't know whether to be glad or to be sad about it. oh no. starting to think about everything again. definately wished 2005'd be over but so do not wish for 2006 to be here. like what jess and me agreed we'd go back to the o level times any time. and we both so cannot wait for this year to be over so that we can jump out of our jcs. ha. may 2006 pass quickly. but pass er well? haha. made so so many mistakes last year. mistake for me to play with my choices to end up in a school that was never my choice. greater mistake to stay in it after that and everything else... ha. i'll win the top prize for the most mistakes made in a year. woo hoo? sigh.

going in to 2006... so much is going to change. seriously. going in to year two now. oh man. we're taking charge of stuff already. and soon we'll be handling year ones. first meeting them at orientation. omg. just months ago we were the very people undergoing the orientation. now it's us holding it for the next batch. sigh. going in with three subjs now instead of four. hope it was the right choice. hope that'd free me up. hope i somehow can miraculously cope academically and all. sigh. i dunno. somehow i can't get the thought off my mind that this is going to be hell of a hard year. sigh. maybe i just don't know how to get past it? sigh. starting this year alone now. ha. no one's around i mean. er. yeah. sigh. okay. haha. i'm just repeating and repeating myself right now. too tired. too much to drink also maybe. really need to sit down and think about everything ba i suppose. set new year's resolutions for once. and follow whatever resolutions i come out with. prioritise everything and set things straight. i can do this. i must and i will. rarrrhhh... but first. shit. finish my holiday homework la. cham. haha. sigh. need to finish my holiday homework. need to finish my holiday homework. need to finish my holiday homework.