i've decided. if i fail to meet the basic criteria for passing the promos, i will withdraw from college. not going to repeat year one again. no way. enough of jc already. i'll find somewhere else to go to. yups. so now let's just wait and see...

finally it's over. been waiting for this day to come for so so long. big relief that it's ended. think the promos is so so so much worse than going in for the o levels. seriously. only wondering if it's enough to pass the promos. math is so dead. scared. don't know what's going to happen for that. if fail... whoa... really will cry la. the only subject i bothered to redo all the tutorials for. do until want to cry la. bio hope can pass ba. chem is gone. totally gone. don't bother. i think it's like confirm plus gurantee plus chop fail. kaoz. sigh. what happened what happened. best subj. worst results. sigh. chem... cham ar. how how how... -wails- i like chem. why didn't i really study for it. kaoz. sigh. physics hope can pass ba... hope... seemed doable. not too bad for someone who only studied the night before. but never passed physics before la. so er. a bit the quite uncertain of anything also. sigh. so tempted to drop it. see how ba. scarly gp also fail. that one cham. horrible la. think will be worse than jct. mmm. chinese confirm fail. don't even need to try the paper. really confirm fail... mmm. quite screwed. see how ba... for now... other stuff to do ba. and want to go out! haha... yeah. ahh.. please pass me for the promos.. =/ ahaha.. how i wish...

been quite awhile. a lot stuff's been happening i suppose. but no time to actually sit down and reflect about it. sigh. promos right at my doorstep now. really scared. so afraid it'd be a repeat of the jcts again. can't let it happen again. if only i had really really started mugging 10 weeks ago like they told me too. just couldn't sustain it. my fault. promos starting tmr already but i still feel so unsure of everything and just so lousy. feel as if i really don't know much of my syllabus at all. tell me why i stuck with all four subjects. why didn't i just drop one when i had the chance to. sigh. it's all too late now. past week or so been staying back in school until 8 plus to study. last minute pia-ing. so unsure if it'd work. realised i've only been focusing on passing math. redid almost all my tutorials since the start of the year. really want to cry la. if i fail math or get worse than a d.. i'll seriously cry. sigh. other three subjects how now? my promos timetable is horrible la. all my subjs cramped into a few days. i'll be one of the earliest to end the promos. sigh. oh the horrors. how how how.. my three sciences. so much to study for and really so so little time. sigh. this is so aimless. came into tj wanting to take two s pprs. now it's a struggle just to pass this examination. why did i allow this to happen. sigh... too late for changes. now just all regrets. sigh. my three sciences! gone gone gone... sighhh

hmm. yesterday was jts... mmm. lunch was not bad la. though i didn't really have much of an idea as to what to eat and all. sat at siang weng rachael and liesel that side... sometimes quiet sometimes not bad de. haha. shit. what am i talking about. haha. but yeah.. okay la. haha. realised some people can really eat manz. haha. wow. i'm impressed loh. hahaha... then hmm. suddenly celebrated wei kheam's and my birthdays.. haha. shocked! was still wondering what happened.. haha.. think he was too ba. both of us shocked loh. haha. hmm. yeah. thanks to everyone.. =) haha. then went to marina bay.. apparently to fly kite and do mass dance. bei snrs cai zhong. haha. quite funny. then went there ended up playing pool. i seriously cmi. dunno how to play la. haha. hmm. then some of us went to seriously fly kite and mass dance on the grass field. haha... quite fun.. =) yups. then the normal stuff for jts loh. exchange of gifts and all. hmm.. the oac badge quite nice. =D yc quite nice also. burn cds of the photos for us. wahaha. yeah then went to suntec for dinner at the foodcourt there.. then somehow don't know how it started.. started playing truth or dare.. hmm. yeah. hahaha.. gew rocks! hahaha. yeah manz. i likes.. haha. shan't elaborate. LOL. kidding. haha

real run today. quite interesting la. realised running on sand sucks like crazy. like seriously la. it sucks big time. so tiring. haha. kidding. i sound like i'm whining. lol. but not bad la. eh interesting experience. think i saw michael there? with the sji on duty pple. hahaha. think la. not sure also. at the trail part of the run i think. haha.. yeah. anyway some pple are really crazy.. 30+mins for 10km?! omg la. crazy pple. how in the world did they do that?! super impressed. haha. then got put onto stage.. haha. dj sang the happy birthday song. don't know how he got to that but yeah. haha. got present from him somemore. LOL. hahaha. quite funny la. interesting. haha. oh yeah. at the run met xinying! long time no see.. eh.. saw wyna and all also.. cj odac. =) haha. yups yups.. had lunch at harbourfront there. dead beat now. so tired still.. oh well. happy birthday to me... lol. though most pple forgot. hahaha. kidding. anyway tired so yups. cya.. wahaha..

hmm. okay. been awhile. time really flies. near the end of the month already. so so fast. sigh. hmm. had triathlon just the other day. not bad. nicer than the biathlon. haha. i really don't swim fast. time to train liao. i should. hardly ever swim in my life. haha. doc said swimming's better the the knees. lol. =) right. haha. not bad la. quite fun. haha. eh had intrahouse thing also. mmm. not the best but we tried. haha. limited resources ma. so relativelt not bad already. haha. a lot of arp. haha. yeah seriously a lot. hmm. oh nafta. haha. 2.4... haha. cham ar. ended up walking in the end. hahaha. timing not say very good la. but mmm. in this context a can already right. realised knee really cmi loh. don't know why. oh well. 5 items.. not bad la. shuttle run 10+ sec. not bad liao. sit and reach super la. first time in my life touch 50. just nice. heng ar. hahaha. so got the thirty points. =) something that makes me feel alright. =D especially after all the rubbished injury stuff. =( oh well. yeah. hmm. been passing math. i'm impressed. haha. oh well. ahaha. hmm. teachers day celebration tmr. probably going to cj in the evening. haha. yeah. mmm. a lot of stuff ba.. haha. new balance real run coming liao! excited right! haha. =) same. but don't know whether i'll run. hmm. yeah. depends ba i suppose. see how. haha. why am i being so random today? haha. weird... mmm

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

hmm. been quite a while la. parents teacher dialogue... having to see the vp and all. realise that mmm quite bad la. academics and everything. have to put in more effort le. no choice. yups. today not too bad la. passed math lect test. the differentiation one. 16/25. impressive. expected to fail. haha. but today's chem lect test. think that one really will fail la. haha. super cham that one. oh well. nevermind. i shall pass next week's physics test yes? haha. =) er. gtg le. got stuff to do. haha.

hmm. handover day last week was pretty memorable though most of the stuff i didn't really do. the running... the log obstacles... the pushups to make up the pledge of which i ended up doing sit ups? and the holding in push up position to finish up the other part of the stuff. and the oac statement. whoa. then yups. got what i wanted.. land. =) rocks. haha. yups yups. had some sort of review thing for our year plan. busyyy... mmm. but not bad la. i like. haha. pft coming up soon. shit. my running howww.. later deprove like siao. last year already deprove to 12mins le for the 2.4... ahh. this year i think will be even more cham la. haiz. nevermind. some interhouse soccer competition coming up soon also. yups. shit. i'm being super random today. mmm. jct results out also. mmm. failed loh. nothing much to say. brought it upon myself basically. yups. oh well. sigh. been sick the entire weekend already la. siannn. haiz. need to start doing my tutorials consistantly. must at least put in some form of effort. haiz. sighhh. and must pia for the promos soon already.. sigh. with my this kind of grades.. no choice le. -whines- sighhh

hc investiture today. sigh. super sad to see the senior house comm step down. sighhh. didn't really feel like going up also somehow. feel as if... haiz. dunno la. nevermind. sigh. angie pinned the badge on for me de. yups. not bad la the badge. quite nice looking i suppose. but hopefully can uphold it loh. and hopefully still in oac when the time comes? sigh. pple getting jct results back le. keep hearing pple fail only. they seem more consistant than me de la. cham liao. i think i fail jct le. sighhh. met the scico teacher halfway during civics also. wants to extend the project and put me in charge. don't really know what to say. sigh. i a bit the planning to quit hor once the project ends. see how ba. if really drag so long then maybe forget it loh. haiz. mmm. oac today also. mmm. very long never really do pt le. yups. can get past jacobs ladder le. i suprised. but never do monkey bars. lucky. or else i cham liao. must zi ji go train that ba. sigh. oh well. so many things so little time. wonder if a week later after the jct results are out.. whether my life will ever be the same again. or will it become...obsolete. sighhh

finally it's over. whoa. jct.. siao one. oh well. now got to brace myself for the results. sigh. hopefully can pass though i seem to doubt i'd be able to. sighhh. crap. nevermind. hmm. finally done with the kayaking kraze proposal. so super short of time la that one. seriously. hmm. hc investiture tmr. scary. oh well. somehow got this funny feeling that i don't really want to go for it. mmm. oh well. went night cycling yesterday also. not bad. quite fun. just tiring. haha. but it suddenly made me realise how much oac means to me. sigh. quite late but... yeah. oh well. hmm. bbq not bad also. lalala. the truth or dare thing damn funny. and gross also. hahaha. oh well. new balance real run's on my birthday leh. so cool can. i SO have to join it i don't care. -grins- oh well. schedule seems so freaking packed nowadays. sigh.. see how ba. must pass jct.. sighhh. if i fail, the consequence is too dreadful to contemplate. sigh

really changed to much within such a short period of time? omg. okay. was telling me that he noticed big changes in me from the o level that time and now. now i seem to blank off a lot.. always so tired. and totally no confidence le. last time still got and knew my work also. now... hmm. yeah. somehow i think it's true. and i let it happen.. =/ haiz. told me that must start planning le. cannot become so panicky or else... chaos le. haha. plan to pass a few subjects first.. regain a bit of confidence then continue working on the rest of the subjects. like that then won't be so cham later on in the year when the promos come. shall listen. think he's quite right. said that he's quite shocked.. never seen me in this kind of state before. and if he notices such stuff about me means quite cham le.. oh well. means i really quite cham le hor. haiz. nevermind. shall head his advice ba. concentrate on a few subjects first. haiz. chem and what? the rest all chao ji lan. i want bio. but first three mths never take so a bit hard. but still possible right? considering i'm doing better in it then in physics. then math can be my backup or something. hahaha. you never know. haiz. a few more days to jct only... die la. must pass somehow. haiz... must try...

hmm. everything seems to move so fast. eh... whole day was spent at ps... early morning with oac. later on with hc. hmms. oac de. starbucks. yeah. we all know what it was about la. no need to elaborate. oh well. then the rest of the year ones went to base camp.. wonder what it's like there. hahahaha. just kidding. it's a shop. haha. oops. didn't make much sense. nevermind. haha. yeah. had jts after that. not bad la. just like almost everyone was late. nothing much hor. haha. suddenly wondered why i was so on time. hahaha. damn. oh well. haha. later disappeared with aijia cos i needed to buy my gifts. can't just go empty handed right. would feel so the super evil. haha. so yups. went to meet them at fish and co. were told that ain shin fei and shi min went to look for us. felt so bad la. then realised that it was because someone there also needed to buy a gift. haha. so funny. oh well. yeah. fish and co not bad la. but the portions are like sooo huge. really unfinishable de. haha. went to take neoprints after that... quite funny. at the last part we ended up standing there and using a camera to take pics of the would-be neoprint shots. a bit cheepo but it's smartttt. hahaha. =) fun la. but i still dislike taking neoprints. haha. oops. then we all went to watch mr and mrs smith. boring la. a bit the no real climax de the show. haha. met miss ang and sam there also. hmm. then we went to macs.. for err ice cream. haha. yeah. that's about it. yups. ahaha

wahahaha. finally... got some stuff straight. finally got my stuff prioritised. finally got everything in place. some great relief. haha. rocks. whee. seriously feels great. don't know why. maybe cos this problems lasted too long le. hahahahaha. rachael rocks. wahaha. oooh. big thanks yet again! haha. oh well. had so much fun also. hahaha. kena scared by all the doggies wondering around j8. haha. mutilated the chicken burger. hahahahahaha. wa.. later soon i become vegetarian le. hahahaha. i'm high. whee. kim's back? dunno. lalalala. hahaha. =) just happy for once. just on a high. haha

sighhh. suddenly i feel so lost as to what to feel. what i want. what i think i can cope with. suddenly i really don't know anything. like no opinion. i really don't know. i feel so weird like going to school today. still feeling so bad as to having to leave the camp on the camp on the first day. so much happened. when they talk i feel so.. distanced. then when they do like "pt" or something... i feel so weird standing or sitting aside watching them. i wanna do it with them too... sucks la.

evaluation was crap la. was already feeling so super luan when i walked in. felt so unfocused. was like they ask questions that time... was trying to keep my focus there for awhile. but then once the sentance ends.. my mind'd be somewhere else already. then i'll end up slowly trying to pull myself back. but then after one or two words.. gone again. so many questions on commitments. expected ba. but seriously couldn't choose. when hc came to mind.. somehow my answer is hc. when oac's in my mind.. the answer'd be oac. honestly i didn't really know what i was answering either la for the commitments thing. don't know... just remember wanting to get out of there asap...

teachers talked to me after that. wanted to know how i am.. and again.. the oac and hc thing. and my studies. seems like they all know le. yeah. wanted me to make a choice between them for my own good. yups. but somehow i really couldn't decide. yeah they're correct that it's up to me to make sure that i don't regret the decision i make. but.. i just don't know.was like how many subjects are you confident of getting more than 40% in.. nearly couldn't answer. said chem though i'm not confident of it.. workable ba.. but one out of four subjects.. haha. a bit the still fail big time ba. managed to find time to think about it ba. by choosing to make my decision after the jcts. see whether my studies can be.. salvaged? sigh i figure i need a lot more than passes for jct le. a bit hard. first trip sci sucks. second i really didn't take it during the first three months. third i'm lagging behind big time from the first day of school during the first three months. that's a lot la. but if i don't give it a try i'll never know right? must strive to make the jct a good outing ba. yeah. then at least i can convince myself of something. right now... i can't even convince myself. how to go about convincing someone else?

so now it's jct jct jct ba. must at least pass it la. though i get this feeling the papers are going to be damn hard. actually.. no la. i'm SURE it's super hard.. but must pass.. seriously.. then i'll make my decision... jct first. sighhh. just thinking about what someone said also. said that during first three mths at least i seemed quite happy.. still got hear from me de. then after first three mths.. totally quiet and everyday all don't exactly happy de... really meh? i changed so much? sighh. i don't know. nevermind.. jct first.. sighhh

early ride home from june camp. knee seriously something wrong. yeah just about sums up my june camp? haha. just a few rounds of the track and then the 7km run and a few jumping jacks equals jiao cannot take it le. didn't realise that that would spell the end of june camp for me ba. thought still can take a bit more but realised i was wrong? haiz. now walking first. hope can walk properly soon ba. oh well. haha. if i had known.. i die die will do titans de. haha. oh welll.. nevermind. it's over le. now just wish the rest of the team the best for all their remaining days of camp ba. =)

hmm. tower training the day before? not bad la. got to absail. scary at first. still is.. but not that bad.. quite shuang actually. haha. yups.

hmm. day before that was hc camp. not that bad la. a lot better than expected. got night hike around changi there to mostly abandoned areas. quite fun... especially when there're people who are scared around you. lalala. oops. haha. shinfei very funny. haha. =) nice la. it's good to have gone with her and everyone else around. yeap. got urban hike also right. yeah. around tampines pasir ris around there. yups. our motivation was no 800 push ups. 500 also better. so chiong ah.. haha. quite funny. yeah anyway still ended 500 push ups but not bad la. at least we did it as a team yeah. sea games were fun. i like the sea water! =) i'm crazy. hc camp not bad la. still got bbq de. haha. not bad. oh got my sports cap also. lalala. only bern and me didn't run for exco positions.. someone asked me to run for vice capt under sports. oh well. but it's what you want and what you believe you can handle that's more important right? or so i hope... so yeap. =)

oh yeah i never knew i was carry-able until these few days. got carried during both camps. seriously shocked and impressed. i'm heavy loh. haha.

oh well. missing the times we had together... wish i could be there now. but we all know i can't. always wanted land... but seems so far away now. sea as well. sigh. nevermind. hope to be there during the next expeditions ba. hope we're still a team after this? hopefully ba... wonder what you all are doing now. sigh

sigh. sucks la. seriously. seriously sucks to watching helplessly unable to help much while your teamates are suffering and all. sucks to try to hard to cheer people on while you yourself feel worse than anything. such contrasting feelings. titans is over. don't know whether it's a good or bad thing. good because it's finally over and i won't feel so horrible everytime i see them doing titans. bad because that's my one and only chance at titans and it's all gone within a flash. all the months of preperation all just... sigh. nevermind. worse still i'm not the only one la. totally sucks. sigh. feeling so... horrible? seriously didn't want to take the titans shirt just now. didn't feel like i deserved it. really wanted to give it to xiaoxia. she did like practically all the events for me la. only did log pt... and they were taking most of the weight off me already. sigh. to think yesterday was bad. yesterday was already in not the best of moods. cos was put into bball early in the morning... watched the badminton finals. some really sad feeling over there. really sad. haiz. don't know. came back to tj was asked to do titans cos there wasn't enough people for girls. given some seemingly tough choice. don't know. thought that's like the worst already for this week.. but then today..

haiz. just feeling so sian these days. don't know what to think anymore. sports carnival is weird la. seriously i think like three quarts of the school population just pons these kind of stuff la. end up looking for substitutes for the different games all the time. dodgeball is a saddist game. seriously. haiz. nevermind. it's over. good. finally get to go home. been staying over with other oacians at wai kit's house. have to thank him for putting us up and for the early morning ride to school. yeah. oh nevermind. sports carnival's finally over. three long days. got my amphib shoes at last. and at least a medal for something. bball girls interhouse second. quite funny cos hardly even seriously played cos yeah... of THAT. then finals had to substitute out halfway cos my legs seriously can't take it. don't know what's wrong with me la. so many problems de. sucks la. camps coming up. die already. so tired and lousy even before any of them actually start start.

today's evaluation's easily the worst one ever la. like i don't already hate evaluation enough. just couldn't take it anymore la. keep seeing the beta people waking here and there. felt like i seriously failed everyone especially for titans. i feel so chang kui just for having the titans shirt. seriously i really doubt i deserve it much. will feel so horrible each time i wear, touch or even just see the shirt. really don't want to wear it to the ip open house thing tmr. sighhhh. hate it la the feeling. this sucks. everything sucks. then again isn't it just a normal thing. sometimes i wonder if everything you're doing all the time is worth it...

hmm. just thinking. during the big five profiling session. that thing. they gave us one minute to think about our dream holiday. yeah. so scary the dream holiday. was like carrying a backpack with hydropack, wearing the nicee salomon shoes... running up the french alps. woo hoo... i'm crazy. seriously crazy. but i don't know. it suddenly made me wonder if i actually liked oac that much. so much so my dream holiday is oac-ed. hmm. i don't know. maybe this is what i really want in my college life? noo idea. just feeling a bit lost at the moment. haha. just felt like blogging is down so i can think about it someother time. haha

uh oh. can't exactly extend my leg straight now. ahh. die already. i think by the time titans comes.. either i can't run because of injury or because i've no stamina left from all the resting. omg la. both days titans gone already. forget it manz. =/anyway yesterday's orienteering was interesting. from tj to changi village. 17.5km within just over 3hrs. not bad la. but i kind of think i pulled the whole team down a lot. =/oh well. missed the choir concert also. yeah. luckly didn't go swimming yesterday morning somemore la. or else... i die already la. hmm. suddenly at a loss as to what to say. kind of crapped so much. hmm. got so many people to thank for yesterday la. thanks to yinwei for pulling me along. eng wei for trying to hard to motivate me to go faster. wei kheam for carrying my bag all the way. wai kit for offering to carry me. everyone la actually. realised i'm lucky to have such great teammates. seriously. =) oh well for now... don't know...

hmm. kayaking today. not too bad. kayaked from kallang seasports club to east coast. had games and even went to big splash. though it was seriously obsceinty la. they didn't allow singlets or shirts to be on while going down. so no choice.. tuo diao la. eeeyer. a bit the gross though. oh well. first time standard lunch tasted damn nice also. interesting feeling but yeah. hmm. met with a storm on the way back. scary la. pple started capsizing. quite freaky. the waves were like smashing right into the cockpit la. scary. s hard to manouver around. and waulao paddle like siao la. so tiring. then haiz. right arm is dead. was partially. now it like. err yeah. i also don't know. oh well. interesting expeience i suppose. though liyuan, liesel and i were like so worried about the back pple la. so scary. we kept turning back. but then yeah. nothing we could do. cos scared yue bang yue mang. not too bad la overall. just damn the tired. went to suntec for dinner together after that. kfc. and got my gelare icecream and lemonade. =) felt to happy after that until yeah i was told to go to ec. but then i don't want. so sort of like fought with my parents over the phone la. cos it's really not rational to go there. it's illogical. serious. arggh. don't know la. i'm distant from everything. live in a life of seclusion. sadness.


hmm. what's there to say. watched luyuan yesterday. so cheem. too cheem for my comprehension rather. nevertheless it was pretty good though i still prefer the nj one. haha. whoops. eh. had hc intro. like something caught my eye. then shit. totally forgot what i wanted to say. so yeah. stoned there for awhile and just talked a whole lot of crap. like seriously crap. then hustings sucked also. the questions are not very answerable. actually i didn't want to answer anything de. but then cannot just stand there and say nothing right. so just come up and talk a bit of rubbish loh. think it sucked big time. was like the last person for everything la. going to be the last person for the interview also. scaryyy. hahaha. i don't know. laughing at myself. titans coming. cannot be so slack. haiz. initiative... sighs. should try to put in a bit of effort into my work also ba. failing everything now. not a very good thing yeah. haiz. don't know la. see how. haiz. so won't be able to write tmr. wahh. painful ah arm. =(

sometimes you fail so much that nothing matters to you anymore. another failure is like so what. it's a normal thing already. failing another test is like nothing to me anymore. in fact i even expect to fail tests nowadays. so damn sian la. life's hell. and it's full of failures. sometimes you want so bad to do a tutorial to be handed in. just that... it's not within your capabilities to do so. sadness. then recurring old long time ago supposed to never come back again injuries. damn demoralising. muscle pulls also. so damn sian. haiz. don't know la. what rubbish am i uttering. bleahx. sianness