hmmm celebrated teacher's day in tj today. the eight of us i think. dunno where the rest went to. together with our tutors. kind of nice the feeling. so relaxed and all. pretty cool. somewhat like a mini un as well as mr ho put it. all the different nationalities. ha. oh well. yeah just sat around and talked and all. pretty enjoyable. but somehow i dunno kind of weird. though it was pretty nice and all... but i suddenly longed to go back to ij. suddenly missed it so so much. perhaps maybe it's the way we've been celebrating it for those many years. so different. kind of miss that ij feeling. but no i couldn't go back cos needed to meet a tutor regarding something. quite sad. kept thinking of it the entire day. that i wanted to go back. really really missed ij so. ahh... sigh. anyway i realised that when the tutors met me... the first thing each of them said to me was like... so how's your studies coming along? can? coping well? sigh i really didn't know what to say.. just partially laughed it off and said... trying... but sigh i dunno. i really don't know. feel so bad to make them worry so much about it. i'm so evil la. having so many people worry about my academics. sigh shall not think of it so much. anyway yes teacher's day is nice. love it when dad brings back those bags of presents. i'll admit that i'd be the one happily opening the presents up to see what's inside. so exciting. ha. sounds a bit um childish i know but pretty exciting what opening presents. heh. oh well. sigh all the simple things i miss. =(

haha um i don't really know how to start this. maybe uh i'll put it the way eng wei put it. haha. i've joined singapore's aged population today. guess i have quite a number of people to thank for remembering... since i still have all the msgs in my phone... a big thank you to.. jean, cheryl, sze sian, kai qin, eng wei, li yuan, kai sheng, xiao ting, jun sheng, sheryl, rachel, natalie, shi han, yanling dorothy, wei kheam, hasina, yinwei, arvin, sin yee, wai kit, weldon, yi min, samantha um did i miss out anyone? hope not. thanks for brightening up my day and making me smile with each msg recieved. don't know how in the world you all remembered though cos i didn't say anything about it at all. haha. still remember last year spent this day running at the new balance real run. a year later i'm not even allowed to run anymore. haha that's funny. hmm just read chao kiat's blog. again i have to say he makes so much sense all the time. kind of thinking about it now. anyway um guess i really was on the verge of totally giving up on everything yesterday... but luckily enough i guess talking to mingwei rachael and yinwei put some sense back into me. mw's right. remember where you want to go. it's the critical period how can i give up how? sigh. how much do i want it? i can't just give up totally now. have to keep trying. even if it doesn't seem like i'm moving. maybe the displacement's still close to zero... but er someday maybe i'll start moving? um kind of reminds me of that story. the one about the old man who wanted to move the mountain. um. yu gong yi shan . dunno how true that is... but you zhi zhe shi jing cheng right? sigh shall make myself believe in that now as much as possible. at least give me something to believe in. just how much do you want it kim? how much?

shi bai. hen shi bai. xiang fang qi. zhen de hen xiang fang qi. sigh i dunno what's going on. i think my patience with my studies is wearing very thin. getting quite frustrated. feel as if i'm going nowhere. like i just keep running and banging into the same wall without any success in getting past it. i dunno. it's like everytime i take a step in front some how i'll find myself sliding two steps back. bu zi zhe me zhuo cai hao. i dunno. i think cmi already. suddenly feeling super stressed up. cos i know that my standard is no where. and the paper's going to be really hard. still remember the vp telling me that getting all Es for the prelims means that i'd b progressing well for the As. means that it's damn hard to even pass the prelims la. i dunno what to do. seriously don't know what to do. i don't want to care. i don't want to try anymore. subconciously i already gave up, but some small part of me tells me that i'd regret if i stop. i dunno. kinda think i really gave up. just too tired of it. been like dunno just sleeping really early for er the past mth i think without doing much cos just too tired of it. was looking at biological membranes. like the first chapter of bio today. suddenly felt that that's it. i really dunno anything. doesn't help that i didn't take bio in the first three mths. really really missed out on a lot. suddenly realised that those chapters are really quite important. i dunno what to do. nearly cried when i saw it all. too overwhelming. i can't do this. really i can't do this anymore. i know it probably doesn't seem like it but i really ren le hen jiu. shou bu liao le. i still remember yimin telling me that mrs lee talked to her the other day and told her to take me as her role model. never to give up when you fall. just learn from it and pick yourself up and carry on. resiliance. still remember that i was super shocked when i heard that. quite well honoured that she thinks that of me but... i guess she has no idea... no idea how much i just want to give up everyday. especially when i'm stuck in a class where everyone's just so good and i'm no where near any of them. how pathetic i feel just going for lessons everyday whatmore do anything else. good i suppose that no one really found out that i feel that way. it's just that i refuse to have anyone know how i feel. always trying so hard to put up a strong front to show that i'm not affected by anything. still remember having people ask me how come i can ren everything that's going on and be so unaffected by comments or by like consistantly failing or anything. i guess that's where i changed a lot. changed the way i view stuff. if someone says that i can't do something i won't talk back or anything. be totally unaffected by anything. just take things in my stride. then i'll take that yea if you say that i can't do it the more i want to be able to do it to show you that i can if i want. the more you say the more i 'll prove you wrong that kind of thing. got quite suprised to have people trying to learn that from me. the way i see and react to things. i know things seem as if i'm totally reactionless but yeah it does affect me so. but i guess i forcably supress those feelings so that people will think that i'm alright all the time. suddenly i feel as i'm giving a false impression that i can be strong. perhaps chao kiat was right. i'm being strong. but too strong. maybe i should let people know how i feel sometimes. don't know. maybe he's right. like what he said. it's like a balloon filling up. some people will choose to release the air all the time. some at regular intervals, some just before the balloon bursts. guess i'm probably the latter. just before it bursts. or perhaps i hold on too long. until i just sort of break down when no one's around for a period of time. suddenly a bit confused. i just don't want people to see. don't want people to know. yeah maybe it's a bit like acting tough but i dunno maybe i'm just like that. actually i realised though i dun show it sometimes little things can make or break me depends on my mood. like after the nafta 2.4 when ha i got partially reprimanded for running. when she was like hey you used to be a very fast runner right? dunno kind of suddenly felt really sad lor. couldn't offer any answer but... yeah past tense. used to. the other time also... when someone was like watching me try to solve some question... then said sth like i dun believe you dunno this de. surely you'll know just that you never practice enough. yeah quite honoured that you think i'm smart enough to know everything but um maybe i just really don't know at the moment. really. i dunno kind of makes me feel as if i dui bu qi that person because that person believes so much that i can do it yet i fall keep falling short and keep failing so. i dunno. just arggh. i don't want pple to worry i dun want to keep failing pple. but right now i just can't keep myself in check anymore. i really wanna give up le. keep feeling that it's of no use. i dunno what i'm doing anymore and i don't want to care. arggh. i really dunno. =(

i fought the battle; i ran the race

interesting quote i came across today

hmmm saw the sch physio today. i think finally something that makes sense ba. probably meniscus injury. guess that explains a lot ba. the pain and sweling that time when it is overloaded... and the really gross clicking sounds and the cannot be straightened thing. she suspects that and something else that she's still trying to figure out. hmmm... i see haha. right. much better than being clueless about what's happening. and she said no 2.4! oh no. but waste my 25 points from the 5 items. i just need a c or better which confirm can one lar. just a matter of whether still can hit the a or not =/ ahh... nvm. have until next wed to decide. run lar hor? hahaha... sad. supposedly cannot join sports cca next time le (but you know i still will la. if not i'll die off of or something). oh well. damn sian this is week 8 already and i'm still no where. this sucks. i wanna give up now. but... how can i? i think i'm just too slack. what do you think? maybe i should sit down and study properly for once. maybe something might just go in miraculously

hmmm break now. didn't run the 2.4 just now. next wed i suppose. under the hot sun in the afternoon =( but anything beats running today la. should i bother to go see the physio tmr? i really don't know. i swear i'm retiring from running once the 2.4 is over at least until... uh next year or something. =( sigh i realised i really cannot catch up no matter what. won't even be able to finish learning my syllabus once before the prelims. not good lor. my bio is so pathetic. i just can't seem to remember all the facts. seem to be able to get stumped at the easiest questions. quite scared. i just don't remember anything i learn. very scary. if i go into the exam hall now. i know i confirm will fail all three subs until super cham. i dunno what to do. i dun feel as if i'm progressing. dun feel like i'm doing enough. dun't feel as if i'm disciplined to sit down and just study without prolonged procrastination. i just dunno what to do anymore. so so tired of all of this =( ahhh someone save me =(

i dun really know what to blog. chao kiat tells me to follow my heart. haha. hmm really tired these couple of days. no idea why. kind of keep dozing off. distracted. totally distracted. can't seem to concentrate on anything. can be looking and reading something but nothing's really going in. as in nothing's processing at all. i have no idea of what i'm even trying to read. all i see are letters. just a lot of letters and i don't know what word it spells out or says. i don't know what i'm doing these days. rarh. just a lot of things going through my mind i suppose. everything's moving very fast. things just keep adding on and adding on. new topics keep being added on also. and i can't seem to catch up on anything. i'm no where. just keep falling behind. kind of quite tired of everything. guess i'm really lucky to have friends who're always telling me not to give up now. sigh i dunno. anyway finally passed a test this year. biochem test. scraped through but not bad when most pple failed. first time. hopefully it means that something's improving for once? i really dunno. let's hope so. hmmm anyway just had nafta the 5 items. got my 25 pts. yay. was afraid sit and reach or like standing broad jump would kill me off or sth. but not bad lar. comfortable a s =) very stress lor. sit ups then everyone's like you doing 50 right? then paiseh so had to do the 50 in a min. then wanna jump also like orh you must go beyond 190cm k. pull ups also go to the station then i expect no less than 18 from you. then classmates also like expect more than that. then do 24 lor. dun wanna do le. wanna do shuttle run also like oh no i'm going to look so slow running next to you that kind of thing. nafta also a lot of pressure one lor. kaoz. now left 2.4. a bit scared. dun really know what it's going to be like. i dun care. i just wanna come in like 13+mins. i dun wanna chiong. just want a normal a. please dun pressure me. =( cos i know if i chiong i'll end up dying for the next couple of days weeks or whatever. anyway ahh i'm falling behind again. rarh. how how how =( quite scared of myself. scared that i will fang qi zi ji again. dunno whether i can or cannot get myself up the next time it happens already. it's becoming more and more difficult to. sigh. nvm. anyway chao kiat always makes a lot of sense =) hmm don't know what else to say le. cya

sigh kind of a weird feeling to have people worrying so much for me. i feel so so bad. i never liked having people worrying for me... i just find it... unfair that they have to worry about me even though they have so many other things to do or worry about. so i'd do everything in my capability to make everything look alright all the time no matter what the situation is. i never talk about my academics. just laugh it off if someone asks. i don't want anyone worrying. even if my knee's hurting a lot just by walking or even while sitting. i won't care. will just continue as far as possible without saying anything. sorry if i don't respond or seem very quite out of a sudden. just don't see the point of complaining or letting people know about it. might as well just ren it myself. if i have to run, i will. even during pe... the more it hurts the more i chiong to finish it faster. the faster i finish the less time i have to endure it in front of my classmates. i try hard not to let them know. that's why i'm always the first to disappear after pe. not that i want to. but i just don't want them to see. even if i can't cope, i'll try not to pass the workload to anyone. cos it's not fair. and i don't want them to know about my situation. seriously i just don't like having people worry about me. always try to minimise it. but having said that, realise i make the people closer to me worry more. cos yeah one way or another they'd find out a bit of what's happening. like running. they'd tell me not to run anymore. but the i'll still continue to run and chiong even faster cos i don't want other people to know. i'm really sorry. sorry to everyone who worries constantly about me... whether it may be academically... or physically. sorry...

sigh. i'm so evil. so so evil. why do i keep making people worry about me. i feel really bad now. i don't want anyone to worry about me. i need to do something about it. i want to come back next year and say yes i passed. yes i did well. yes i got into a uni. and yes i got into the course i wanted. ahh... but that seems so so far from reality. time is really running out. and i'm no where. seriously no where. kind of confused. i don't even know where to start. i don't know what i'm doing. and i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. arggh. i'm so evil =( rarh.

anyway got a suggestion that i should sign on should my grades not be able to make it for the actual As. something i actually thought of before. heh. maybe maybe... we'll see. sigh. but i don't want anyone worrying about me anymore. seriously. it's high time that i do something about it =(

yay! i finally know what i want. and i shall work towards it yes? -grins happily- i can make this happen.. if i just try hard enough =)

sigh. i'm tired. really tired. please give me a break. stop giving me a hard time. not like i don't have enough to think about already. arggh. i hate going to class =(

ahahaha.... omg. i just realised something. haha... stunning. lol. this is so random. hahahaha

handover today for hc. i suppose it didn't seem as sad is i thought it might be... maybe... cos we're all comforted by the fact that we've made so many great friends here and that the memories we share will last a life time. so honoured that nick the president of the hrc mentioned our beta hc for our major house function during his closing speech. haha just reminds us of all the things we went through. haha the months of preperations... and the endless obstacles we faced. months of preparation thawted by the rain, leaving us desperately trying to move the av equiptment back into the main block during a thunderstorm. our second attempt at holding the event destroyed by the polling day... our third and final scaled down success. it would have been better. but we were glad that it turned out as it was... considering all the circumstances we were under. haha our term started and ended with the rain. but i think we did great yeah. haha =p not bad lar considering we attract rain each time we attempt to orgainse something. our bbq event daunted by the rain. yet everyone kept going. pretty touching to see the entire house undre groundsheets bbqing in the rain as one. i suppose that really brought all the beta knights around much closer together. it was an event we'd never forget. all the funny and stupid things we do... the really full of rubbish highly entertaining no one seems to be interested having fun time meetings... really cool. so highly entertaining and lol engaging. but really productive. really glad for our decisiveness and efficiency. still remember the time the first and last time we ever ordered catered food... the food that came was so expensive yet it came in such a small portion. within minutes half the com was in bedok central sourcing for more food... while the other half was preparing for the function. haha so cool la. so glad that i've hc. yay =) some people say we do a lot of saikang... but hey.. we make sai kang look good yeah. lol! hahahaha... what crap =p something i'll never regret joining. =) 13th beta hc rocks














haha that's us...















all the stupid things we do...















but it's time to move on...














but we'll always be together anyway yeah =) yay
















haha oh. my direct junior. rocks =)

hmm jts today. not bad lar. the sports capts went shopping early. got all our gifts. got a nice light blue nike cap for qian hui. supposed to be lame. haha sports capt ma so bought a sports cap. oops. haha. then the juniors treated us to a movie. superman returns. been a long time since i last stepped into a movie theatre. haha yeah. anyway nah it's not a great movie. very... er. time consuming for such a short climax. uh huh. then we had dinner at breeks. haha the food there's not too bad lar. just a bit ex. then wahhh felt so bad lar. cos some pple ordered like free. super ex lar in the end. poor juniors. =/ oh well. haha. anyway after that haha super malu lor. froggie and edwin went to give the juniors the special entertainment gift. haha. all the junior hc guys had to line up in a row in front of us to blow up... hahahaha... a errr 15 inch inflatable dick.. okay. it's like damn sick lor. super gross entertainment lor. kaoz. super gross super malu. and super funny. haha oh well. went to esplanade after that... to take photos. haha dun have the photos of the entire coms yet. haven't gotten them. but i've er three indivdual photos from my phone? haha. really dark though cos i didn't bother to use the lights from my hp. lol. oops. let me try to upload it. kind of forgotten how to... haha.















rachie and me =)















froggy and me. haha froggy testing out his photo taking skills. not bad lar. hahaha...
















eevien and i

haha oh and i got a really nice jts present from qian hui lar. kind of think she spent a lot. oops. =/ oh well. but really really nice...















pretty flower =)
















guess what's inside this nice box? hahaha...
















so pretty la! =) thanks qian hui! =D

hahaha i think this photo uploading thing's like addictive. lol. fun to take funny pics with my phone. hahaha. damn dun have a pic with my direct junior! so sad lar. maybe wednesday during handover. haha. lalala. very random this few days. oops. haha. anyway really happy to handover to qian hui... haha oh she's a bballer too lor. so cool. i like =) haha she's a nice person la. i think she'll do well =) oh well... handover's really close liao. just like two days away. time to step down from hc. quite sad. think i know how the seniors felt last time when they were going to hand over to us ba. kind of miss them lor. oh well. but handing over's inevitable so yups. hmmm... wonder how wednesday will be like... oh well. back to school tmr. how sad. i don't want my results back. i already can predict what it'd be like so yeah. no way. i dun wan it back at all. =(

erm i have been tagged. lol.

1. Do the following WITHOUT complaints
2. Choose 5 person to do this after you completed yours
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with "I have been tagged!" then do this.

Currents
Current Mood: BLANK!
Current Taste: huh? errr...
Current Clothes: erm red t shirt, jeans and erm my black nike jacket? c'mon. i just got home lar. haha
Current Desktop: my 2 cute little baby cousins grinning =)
Current Toenail Colour: pink
Curent Time: 8.10 pm
Current Surroundings: hmm. walls? table? chairs? haha.
Current Annoyances: honestly? studies.
Current Thoughts: i need to start studying soon.

First
First Best Friends: hmm natalie? haha
First Crush: honestly i don't know and i don't remember.
First Music: erm. -thinks real hard- nursery rhymes a long long time ago? lol

Lasts
Last Cigarette: nono. not even planning to try
Last Drink: haha drink as in normal drink or er vodka that kind? lol.
Last Crush: if you know you know if you don't you don't. what even makes you so sure i even had one to begin with? lol.
Last Movie: oh gosh that was really awhile ago. errr... mission impossible 3?
Last Phone Call: eh? yinwei called last night to check on me
Last CD played: cd ar. jay chou's november's chaplin
Last song played: hmmm... let me check my phone... oh. amazing by westlife.

Have you ever
Have you ever dated one of your best friend: erm. i dun think so.
Have you ever broken the law: haha define law first. lol.
Have you ever been arrested: er no
Have you ever been on TV: yar. i think i climbed onto a tv before. lol. er if you consider those kind of videotape and then played on tv kind. it's still on tv right? haha.
Have you ever kissed someone you dont know: siao. haha crazy ar. lol.

5 things you are wearing: sounds like a repeat question? haha. erm red shirt, black jacket, jeans, earings, sunglasses... haha okay i kind of just bought them for fun. haha. fine. lol.
4 things you done today: eh. met rachel, kaiqin, yan ling, jean, dorothy... erm shopped? used my hp? er can see i'm really out of things to write. haha. i went online?
3 things you can hear right now: my typing. an incoming msg to my hp. er over my head by fray. nice nice song. haha
1 thing u do when you're bored:haha i dunno. what kind of question is that? if i'm bored i must have nothing better to do right? hahaha...

ehhh... cheryl jean rachel dorothy and hui xian

haha anyway i realised managed to meet quite a no of ij pple this week or so. really happy. haven't seen some of you in the longest time.. like since i went back to ij to get back my o level results lar. haha sorry for mia-ing so much. just haha kind of caught up doing other stuff? haha. hmmm... anyway jts for hc tmr. still remember last year's one. kind of miss the seniors and all... but oh well. yup life goes on. it's our turn! =p handover's really soon too.. time for me to slowly get myself to let go too... kinda hard i suppose. but it's inevitable yeah. lalala...

yay just picked dad up from the airport! he's back from denver. woo hoo~ =) oh the year ones completed their 72km awhile ago... after 30 hours. though not within the 21 hours but really glad they completed the entire thing. yayness... ooh. dad bought me nice nike stuff from the us! yay. haha the haven't come to singapore designs. nice nice. thankiew =) hahaha... a lot of chocolates and all at home now. yay... such a random random post! haha =)

sigh. sick. so tired. year one heading towards sji now. don't can meet the 21 hours liao. but really hope they will finish the entire 72km. i think they can and i think they will...

sigh. just cabbed back from the math jct. second exam in the row that i'm the first to disappear from the examination venue. horrendous. just.. arggh. i dunno what to do. this is totally pathetic. and i'm supposed to be year two already la. can i just jump off a building now or something? seriously... am i just stupid? or am just very stupid. i think the second option seems more apt. total rubbish la. i can even screw gp up. something that can't exactly be screwed that badly. seems like the log phase of the bio curve. each exam i screw up more and more at an excelerating rate. gp bio math and tmr chem. gone. just gone. jct is over for me. i dun even need to take the last paper. seriously. i already know the result. and when the time comes... everyone in class will be whining about why in the world they missed their A or Bs or why that A wasn't that of a better mark... while i'll be sitting there again listening to their whines... wondering yet again why in the world someone as pathetic as me is put into a class of this calibre... and why in the world i'm just so stupid. why i'm perpetually wondering how i'm going to pass... while everyone around me worries about how many distinctions they get. sigh. i dunno. right now i think i'm like the most pathetic soul on earth...

hmmm dad's birthday today. happy birthday! haha but he's in denver now. oh well. =/ hope it's fun over there. =) haha oh well... one more day to the start of jct. and i'm no where near done for any of the subjects. just hope... somehow i wun fail that badly... oh well... ahh. what am i doing here again. bleahx. i shall not blog from now till the cts are over. cannot cannot... no.. go back to bio kim go! shoo~

sigh. i need time... time is what i don't have now. suddenly thought of what jun sheng said this afternoon said.. time is scarce. that's the challenge. how true. then why do i keep wasting it. it's not like i have a lot of time to start off with. ahhh... what's wrong with me? i need to wake up. seriously. this cannot carry on. even my tutor's asking me when i'm stepping down. telling me that i have to step down asap and start studying to make up for everything i'm behind. it's not like i'm behind by a little only la. i'm behind by the entire syllabus. times three for three subjs. i am so smart. i let this happen. now i have to figure out a way to make it right. actually i don't have to figure a way out. i just need to spend time to study. i have to. sigh. ahh don't think about it anymore. sigh. what am i doing online? i should be studying. rarh... anyway this is so random but this is a song i that dunno why but i really like that keeps playing on my phone's walkman now...

Over my head (Cable Car) by Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind

Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

okay... back to bio =( sighhhh...