suddenly i feel smaller than ever.
everything seemed to move so fast the past couple of years ever since i left ij.
it moved so fast i never had time to slow down.
but today im sitting here alone,
realising more than ever that it was the very choices i made in life that caused it to move so fast to start off with.
i come and go. i admit it.
everytime something starts, i'd get so indulged in it i forget what i had before.
basically, i disappear from the face of the world into a new dimension.
the number of things i would have done differently if i could turn back time - astronomical.
i can do a transcendant job of things yet be so disappointing all the time.
somehow i feel i constantly disappoint those around me. those closest to me. one moment so close, the next, so far away.
quite recently, our ij bball coach passed away...
but yet i failed to make it down for his wake. yes, for a vaild reason cos i had exams at the very same time back here at nus...
but still.
i remember going back to ij when i was still year one back in tj.
i remember going back to watch and train with the bballers once or twice.
i remember promising him on my last visit that i'd come back regularly to train with the new bballers and probably on my own accord to visit him too.
i remember being so overwhelmed by everything back in tj thereafter, never having the time to return back once more for trainings.
i don't know about the rest. the views of him, many.
although yes his trainings were hell, that nobody would disagree, and he was fiercer than a lion at times,
but i believe that he taught us some of the most valuable lessons in life.
and the touch of commitment he had, unbelivable.
i remember how he used to come at least an hour before the actual training time,
how the used to train me on my shooting, especially three pointers personally before training started.
i remember the dedication, the passion he had.
though i know i somewhat disappointed him by not choosing to join bball back in jc though he never outrightly said it to me... because of the amount of effort he put into me...
without him i would never be the person ive become.
he taught us perserverence, resilliance, punctuality, determination, passion, purpose, drive amongst many other things.
thinking back i really miss his trainings. the little things he said. the translations from chinese to english i would help him make for the non chinese players in our team. for the toughness, for the belief.
if i could turn back time, i'd go back regularly as i promised.
if i could turn back time, i'd go back just to jiang yi shen xie xie.
it just keeps happening. entering tj, i disappeared from my ij friends cos i never had the time to meet up.
after the as, doing camps non stop and working at the cafe, i hardly ever had much time for my ij or tj friends even though it was the holidays.
entering nus and kr, i barely move out of my current social cycle. though partially cos of my lousy time table, i again, hardly ever have time to meet up with everyone though im sure i could have put in more effort to. i barely even make time for my own family.
if i were to have christmas wish granted right this instant, i'd with to treasure everything around me more. because as much as i like what i'm doing, i'm regretting something else.
i'll take control of my life, rather than just drift along with it wherever its heading towards. i promise. just give me a bit of time to sort everything out.
im really sorry to everyone ive disappointed.
and thank you for always standing by me despite everything.
im really greatful for everyone of you.
you all mean the world to me.
thank you and a big sorry.
i've realised...

if kim hasn't already realised, there's no 31st november in the calander.
which means my next physics paper is errr TOMORROW?
hurrr and ive ummm nothing much... 17 out of the 19 chapters left untouched.
to think i still thought i had quite a fair bit of time.
=(
nevermind. kim is supposed to like physics. supposed. come on. try harder.

anyway i learnt something new today. i cant just add up vector forces. =/
haha i seriously never realised that until today. =x

study kim... stop sleeping the days away... just a little while more.

From the Heart by Another Level
I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before
And you've been hurt and so your heart has chose to close the door
Love brook your heart and brought you lies
Look in my eyes
You'll see a love that's deep and true
Tender and strong and all for you
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

From the heart
I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart
I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul
I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is
From the heart, from the heart

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need
And when you reach for love you'll only need to reach for me
These arms will never let you down
They're staying around
I'll walk with you through every storm
I'll keep you safe, I'll keep you warm
And you'll have no doubt
You're the one I'm living for

From the heart (from the heart baby)
I'm giving you everything (oh) everything (giving you everything)
From the heart (my heart)
I promise you that I'll be there (I'll be there for you)
I'll be there to love you
From the soulI'm showing you all I feel, all I feel (I'm showing you)
All I feel (all I feel) is
From the heart, from the heart (from the heart)

I'll provide the love you need
Just trust my touch
Believe in me
I'll never make you cry
Givin' all I got with all I got inside

From the heart
I'm giving you everything, everything (giving you everything)
From the heart (from my heart)
I promise you that I'll be there (I'll be there to love you, love you, ooh)
I'll be there to love you (ohh)
From the soul (my soul)
I'm showing you all I feel (all I feel) all I feel (all I feel) is
From the heart (the heart) from the heart

Ooh, from the heart, from the heart.

such a pretty song =)

ahhh... i just wasted my past two days away.
after my lousy three papers in two days.
kim needs to study.
just two more physics modules and it'll be over.
c'mon kim.
start studying stop sleeping and stop watching weird funny funny stuff.
go go go...

ive no idea why im doing this.
i. want. out.
im wasting my time.

sigh. clever kim starts studying four days before her exams.
four days three modules. i must be some genius. =(
im so dead. it's sunday already.
econs tmr morning, math in the afternoon,
and programming the afternoon after.
im so dead.
i suddenly realised how i could have solved my pe for programming the other day.
ahh just a little bit too late. just a bit. a little bit. arggh.
so tell me...
how how am i supposed to even finish studying for econs and math tmr?
oh gosh im so screwed, surface integrals. i really hate you.
help help help =(
i don't even wanna think about the double physics modules.
die.
i need an average of higher than b-. if not im dead. =/
ahhhhhhh

and it doesnt help that i really really more than ever feel like leaving. =(

it's barely a week and a day left to the start of the final exams.
starting with double papers in a day.
great.
just a few days ago i was wondering if i should change course.
do what i like to do.
cell and molecular biology.
i want to but i don't want to.
interest vs practicality.
isn't that what took me so long to decide what course to go for after getting my a level results anyway cos i knew id get whatever i chose.
decisions made. consequences being lived out now.
weird thoughts coming to mind these couple of days.
wondering if i should switch unis.
to abroad.
taking the same course though.
though it'd most probably end up in me being a year behind.
tempting thought.
seriously feel like it.
ahh but it's just such a wrong time to think about it.
exams are almost here. i should be hitting the books. after all i'm already so far behind it's barely salvagable unless i'm einstein or something.
damn =(

i'll be honest. i've no interest in engin whatsoever.
i don't like physics. and i don't even like math.
i've no idea why i'm forcing myself to do this.
i don't even like what i'm doing.
but still i refuse to change course.
ahh what's with me.
i want to do this yet i don't want to do this.

suddenly i miss a lot of things more than ever.
i miss home. i miss my family
i miss tj. i miss oac. i miss my beta hc.
i miss the times we trained together.
i miss the times we never stoped debating with one another while planning events.
i miss the times we enjoyed together. the competitions we took part together.
i miss the times we studied together and struggled together at the last push.
i miss the motivation and support that we gave each other.
i miss ij. i miss the 2/4 and 4/2 girls. i miss the ij bballers.
i miss camps. i miss HA. i miss OC. i miss rocky.
i miss the times we had together.
i miss the fun. i miss the laughter.
i miss the neverending support. i miss the challenges.
i miss the instructors. i miss the campers. i miss the cheers. i miss the activities.
i miss the times we camped out together. when i believed in you more than anything.
i feel alone. defeated. demoralised. unmotivated.
ive lost my reasons for doing this.
i don't wish to do this anymore.
but then again. would it matter to anyone. no.