ive no idea why im doing this.
i. want. out.
im wasting my time.

sigh. clever kim starts studying four days before her exams.
four days three modules. i must be some genius. =(
im so dead. it's sunday already.
econs tmr morning, math in the afternoon,
and programming the afternoon after.
im so dead.
i suddenly realised how i could have solved my pe for programming the other day.
ahh just a little bit too late. just a bit. a little bit. arggh.
so tell me...
how how am i supposed to even finish studying for econs and math tmr?
oh gosh im so screwed, surface integrals. i really hate you.
help help help =(
i don't even wanna think about the double physics modules.
die.
i need an average of higher than b-. if not im dead. =/
ahhhhhhh

and it doesnt help that i really really more than ever feel like leaving. =(

it's barely a week and a day left to the start of the final exams.
starting with double papers in a day.
great.
just a few days ago i was wondering if i should change course.
do what i like to do.
cell and molecular biology.
i want to but i don't want to.
interest vs practicality.
isn't that what took me so long to decide what course to go for after getting my a level results anyway cos i knew id get whatever i chose.
decisions made. consequences being lived out now.
weird thoughts coming to mind these couple of days.
wondering if i should switch unis.
to abroad.
taking the same course though.
though it'd most probably end up in me being a year behind.
tempting thought.
seriously feel like it.
ahh but it's just such a wrong time to think about it.
exams are almost here. i should be hitting the books. after all i'm already so far behind it's barely salvagable unless i'm einstein or something.
damn =(

i'll be honest. i've no interest in engin whatsoever.
i don't like physics. and i don't even like math.
i've no idea why i'm forcing myself to do this.
i don't even like what i'm doing.
but still i refuse to change course.
ahh what's with me.
i want to do this yet i don't want to do this.

suddenly i miss a lot of things more than ever.
i miss home. i miss my family
i miss tj. i miss oac. i miss my beta hc.
i miss the times we trained together.
i miss the times we never stoped debating with one another while planning events.
i miss the times we enjoyed together. the competitions we took part together.
i miss the times we studied together and struggled together at the last push.
i miss the motivation and support that we gave each other.
i miss ij. i miss the 2/4 and 4/2 girls. i miss the ij bballers.
i miss camps. i miss HA. i miss OC. i miss rocky.
i miss the times we had together.
i miss the fun. i miss the laughter.
i miss the neverending support. i miss the challenges.
i miss the instructors. i miss the campers. i miss the cheers. i miss the activities.
i miss the times we camped out together. when i believed in you more than anything.
i feel alone. defeated. demoralised. unmotivated.
ive lost my reasons for doing this.
i don't wish to do this anymore.
but then again. would it matter to anyone. no.

i'm tired of running. let's walk for a minute.

i'm now hanging by a thin thread.

sigh im supposed to be at econs lecture now.
can't believe i let myself mentally psycho myself not to go even though i haven't been to it in eons.
boo.
another sleepless night. the lack of sleep is really getting to me.
i can't perform well in sports i cant study i can't do much because of it.
i'm tired. i'm really tired of a lot of things. but i'm really too tired to sleep.
i don't sound like i'm making much sense.

went to brewerkz at clarke quay on friday night to celebrate mandy's birthday with the oacians.

lousy lousy friday before... screwed up bball trials. too tired to play. and i'm a bit gone lar. keep getting chest pains whenever i play nowadays boo. quite glad to see the oacians after so long. boo i miss them so. and eng wei, though i always say that i hate you, it's not really so. =p i don't have many photos. they're all in eng wei's cam. mmm...

with sze sian

and liesel.

went over to sheares yesterday to celebrate xin yi's birthday. her sheares com and friends are really happening. the deco of the room and all. super hilarious but nevertheless, impressive. mmm... then she came over to kr to visit me afterthat... and we started talking about camps again. i really really miss camps too. but there's just no time to do any now. =( i miss jbac.

i miss campha. i miss rocky. i miss oc.

at least i've xinyi nearby =)

happy birthday xinyi!

actually i've no idea why in the world i'm blogging cos i'm in no mood to blog at all.
a lot of things have been happening.
i don't know why you keep doing this to me.
i know it's unintentional. but still, it hurts.

its been a long long time. sitting here now... with the time approaching four...
i don't know what to think,
what to feel.
i'm tired. very tired.
it's been months. am i sober yet?
still a shadow of my old self.
i've no clue as to how to go back to who or whatever i used to be.
suddenly im so quiet. too tired or distracted to respond.
i try to make everything seem normal.
im scaring myself.
boo...
i don't like this me.
everything just feels so unhappy.
sigh.

hello =)

yay happy happy it's 28th august! lol...

thank you everyone =)

thank you to glacius who came to my room to surprise me with the ice cream cake at midnight. love you guys!

thank you to cheegake for the cute cute lion which will become a permanent fixture in my room. =p

thank you to our d block bballers. thank you for the match... and thank you for the suprise at munchie monkeys. i won't forget standing there on the stage alone holding the cake while you all sang the birthday song. haha =) you all rocked =)

thank you to yanling, amanda and yinwei for coming all the way down to kr (especially yinwei all the way from ntu) to surprise me =p

thank you to xin yi too... for coming over from sheares with the two slices of cake... and the couldnt be lighted candles =) love ya!

thank you to jiani khairul and insung... for the videotaping of you all crashing my room lol. and for the card and the cute animal pouch...

thank you meyling for leaving the slice of cheesecake outside of my door while i was out =)

thank you to everyone who dropped me a birthday wish whatsoever... thank you for remembering though most of the time i usually disappear cos im busy with other stuff. thank you =)

eh i don't have most of the photos but i'll post whatever i have first... =)

from xinyi =)

from meyling =)

yay crashing my room =)

yinwei and amanda

yinwei and kim

ooh whats this? scandalous. lol

alright that's all for now. cyaaa

hello its been awhile. blogging from my room in kr now. freshmen orientation week's almost over. which means school's starting soon? and i'm beginning to dread it more than ever. the bidding for modules. which by the way is so completely cannot make it. the fact that it's going to be an uphill struggle all the way for me especially when i don't take physics. i don't know man. but i'm getting quite tired of everything. even before it begins.

anyway oh well. orientation was not too bad i guess. just that i still admit that i enjoyed engin camp more. probably because xinyi was there with me. and we could siao on together. but now... i don't know. i'm like so tired of everything. i'm tired of not being allowed to run. i'm tired of all the cheers. i'm tired of all the camps. maybe what they said about camp instructors making not very good campers is quite true. cos everything's been done dunno how many zillion times at how many zillion camps. it gets tiring after awhile i guess. like oh no this again. great. okay lar. but it wasn't that bad i guess. different in a way. og's really huge though. hardly know a lot of people. but at least i've made a few closer friends. though they're mostly from a-block. a-block's like my second home away from home after d-block lar.

hur hur anyway the kr rockers dance and acapella are like damn zai la. super impressive. and yup kr's a nice big family. yay. oh we've this dating game thing too. my date's super nice lar. cooked me supper to say yes. kim is impressed. though i admit that the thought of having to jio a senior was pretty much uh of a turn off at first i guess. hehhh... oh and i've met my silent extacy partner liao. heh. the only cheer that can keep me high now. heh. ahh super rubbished many tryouts and all. but hur hur i can't run. so yeah. quite pathetic don't you think. confirmed for shape real run too. hopefully can run by then.

i'm very tired. and very very chui. ahhh need to go rag le. bb. sorry for the lack of blogging inspiration. just to prove that i haven't exactly disappeared completely.

hello =) it's been awhile. i'm quite okay. quite some routine life now. if it's not physio then i'm probably out meeting up with people, trying to help out at engin rag or yeah just happily shopping away. haha. i want to run. but i'm still not allowed to. exasperating. nevermind. i think they call it retail therapy. my internet is being weird. it doesnt allow me to see my tagboard for now. rarh. but nevermind. it will soon. always like that. i'll reply soon =)

haha. im on a mad shopping spree. today's an improvement from yesterday already. nabbed a pair of jeans from river island. pretty shocked myself by doing that. ex =( but it's pretty. haha... they've this nice watch too. $45 only. buttt haha i decided it was time for some restraint. finally bought my sp present too. saw many many tjcians today. yesterday was worse. parkway-ed. i declare that dorothy perkins has very nice accessories. -shrugs- couldn't help it. got white pants from there too and two shorts. hurrays. then queensway-ed. hur hurrr... got that new nike duffle bag that's so pretty. good. can fit my bball in. whee... ooh got my new asics shoes too. see im anticipating the moment they'd give me the go ahead to run. rarh dunno what elseee i bought... rarh.

ikea-ed with liesel the other day too... managed to get my bedsheets and all. hurrays. then we orchard-ed the following day. watched die hard 3. and then wahaha more shopping again... whee mango zara taka wisma... haha hurray!

















this is the REALLY really pretty cap i came across at the third floor of heeren. the shop with many many caps. its so nice lar. the white one's really nice too. but this creamy white cum beige one is whoaaa... (okay maybe cos im er quite dark) but omg omg it's really nice. $21.90. haha and its 20% off now! lol. fine fine didn't buy it in the end. been spending too much. need a little more restraint. but heyyy christmas is coming right? *attempts to drop this really really huge hint* any takers? LOL. okay fine. haha =p

i declare that doing camps this holidays was a really really good thing. it greatly decreases my spending power. haha cos i barely have time for anything. thank goodness for that. =p

lets see. watched midnight transformers with eng wei, wei kheam, kai sheng, liesel, ss the other day and harry potter with jean, kai qin, rachel, wanting, sherline the other day as well. well another the other day that is. haha.

















harry potter-ing in the cinema.


















omg what's this?! hahaha =p















making the best out of a situation














and again. yeah man. =)

met the rest of black pearl at fish and co too. hurrr and first they're laughing cos i've more modules than the chem engineers. (3 out of 8 of us take chem engin ma) orhh... lol. and then they tried to convince me that i wouldnt be able to reach one of those hanging things in fish and co. anddd finally they tried to make me believe that gullible is not in the dictionary. hehhh... but that's why i love them so yes? haha =p they rock la.

sent yanling off to korea with the rocky instructors the other day (she's back already though). this woman tried to convince me that she was going to korea with her family so check out the place so that she can emigrate there. hurrr... i'm not falling for that. haha and ardi tried convince me that table tops of those tables at hawker centres can move (yeah i fell for that before-i tried to move it to see if it was for real) and that if i press the thing at the front of the sky train a seat would come out. hehhh. haha i realised more than ever that people seem to find a lot of joy in bluffing me these days. lol. i must really be some entertaining sight. lol.

i really really want to run. i miss doing camps. i miss the kids. i miss kidnapped. i miss the campfire song. i miss the campfire. i miss the mass rarh rarhs. ahhh =(

















random camp shot. tampines sec instructors i think. i miss camp. =(

oac batch gathering tmr. can get to know the new batch of instructors le. hopefully many many seniors come too. checking into kr on sunday le. still have this thing about going in on my own and knowing practically no one. entering tj was like that. oac, scico and engin too. to be honest i'm quite tired of starting from scratch everywhere i go. but oh well... nevermind. hope it'd be fun. i prefer believe it will be. =) schools starting soon. at least i already know a few, though not many, fac mates. shazia's the only person who believes i made the right choice choosing engin over accountancy. i pray hard she's right... must jiayou wor. i love physics and math. i really love physics and math... i really really love physics and math. just a few more days left to xin li zhun bei for the next four years. =/

and now i wonder more than ever.
i no longer know what im looking forward to.

whee time for a little update =) been going out quite a fair bit these few days now that im finally allowed to walk. though my walking capability is still quite pathetic. haha... oh well.

went to watch the ndp preview with xin yi yesterday at marina bay... not too bad having a brother marching in the scouts contingent ehs. pretty cool. wahaha... a lot smaller than the usual ndps but then again it's not exactly their fault. the capacity was so so much smaller. oh well. lalala i declare that marina bay is super pretty though. especially at night as it always is. pretty pretty place =)


















xin yi and i at the greennn grandstand. =)



















the marching contingents and the state flag



















pretty pretty costumes! i like the starfish. reminds me of patrick the starfish... ahh where's spongebob? haha =p




















pretty pretty marina bay at night!

haha okie i shall stop spoiling the show. rarhs. =)

hmm went for ocs family day with eng wei's parents today. whoa the ocs camp's really really nice la. everythings really a lot nicer than tekong. and i still remember in the tekong audi we were sitting far far away from the recruits who had to sit together for the commisioning.. but over here in ocs they get to sit with us for the talk. whee a lot more freedom and independance in that sense. and i realised ocs people carry themselves very well. hmm eng wei brought us for a tour of the area and whee this is what we saw





















the view of the parade square from up the three sided tower. which i learnt from eng wei that it, together with its surroundings have a lot of symbolic meaning. whee saw quite a few tjcians... and omg we were at the mess hall when someone called me from behind... i turned around and guess who i saw... haha i saw Am! havent seen him since my first ever camp at loola la. haha so qiao. we saw a video of what the echo wing's been doing for these two weeks of training too... just like what ew told me about. haha... not bad. tmr's the initiation ceremony already. so super fast la. 5 more days to bookout! haha finally after what'd have been three weeks. 3/4 of a mth la. so long. yay! haha. so sad didn't get to see the female officer cadets though. think it'd be damn cool la. sierra wing. whee power =)

his parents gave me a lift to amk. shopped awhile there... haha reminded me of engin camp where we spent the day there and got chased out by the security guard... haha omg. then went to meet my family at toa payoh to celebrate my mum's birthday... happy birthday mum! whee =) and wahaha guess what i met sophiaaa! haha... long time no see! haha and ehhh i met my ftpss campers too... wahaha so qiao lor. went to bugis thereafter to shop for a short while... finally got my white skirt from esprit. yayness!

super tired from the walking around... haha okie that's all for now... wahaha wheee

haha yinwei, stephen and dua jia came by my house today. whee nice to see them around. =) whee and got an even bigger tortoise today from rico and a cute tortoise from yinwei. wahaha so cute lar. big and cuddly im so going to bring it into my kr room. =) liesel and sam stopped by the other day too. wahaha and whee liesel and i more or less decided what ccas to join together in nus already. yay =)

ahh im being driven to extreme boredom being stuck at home. missing camps like crazy. so so tempted to say yes to veron and ridwan when they asked if i could do the wed to fri camp. but yeah right like i'd be able to. sigh so sad. i wanna be able to walk soon. so that i can just you know go out and shop a little or something. better be this thursday or friday. if this goes on any longer some day im going to become claustrophobic. heh. =(

haha okay its about time.
i think ive a lot to explain.
why i didn't tell most pple that i was gg for an op.
okie. because changi is very far and out of the way and i didnt wanna disrupt anyone's daily activities by making a very out of the way detour. yeah and well cos i'd feel bad if you came all the way down just to see how i am especially cos it wasn't that much of a major op or sth.
yeah so i more or less only told those who needed to know or i figured would know very soon.
mmm. so yeah sorry if i didn't tell you all. didn't mean it any other way. just didn't wanna inconvienence anyone. yups.

omg yayyyyy wahahaha i'm going to stay in kent ridge hall!
woo hoooo! confirmed liao wahahaha =)=)=)
this is turning out to be one great day adding on from the botak jones song xi sent to me after physio just now. wahahahaha...
kim is happieeee =)
but kim wants to go shopping... her inability to um manouver around is costing her the esprit zara and mango sales. how sad. hahaha...
kim is crazzzieee she is being super random hahaha...
wheeeee =)

whee im back. very bai ka. but still okie. haha =) whee... short short update since i'm free and am going to be free for many days to come...

ended my last camp for most probably a couple of weeks to come with jurong west. hurrays. sadly the way xin yi said it... probably the first and last camp that xin yi, ben and i would to together. so sad. oh well. not really the way i wanted it to end but oh well. nevermind. took the first part of song session before campfire though. haha was completely stunned diao when jeremy asked me to take it. haha quite funny the campfire song i did. the spongebob squarepants version. lol. omg la. i really didn't realise until after we broke camp. oh well. still find it quite hilarious. night sentry-ed with alvan. omg he stays in kr! whee then so qiao i'm applying for kr hall also. not bad. at least i'd know at least one person if i get in. this is so cool. im like so gonna learn dance la. he can be my shi fu. so funkayeee... this is exciting. starting school actually sounds more exciting by the second. haha.

yeah man. we rock. =p

whee... nus engin camp was pretty cool too. hahaha i think xin yi and i zi high until really very high la. by the end of day one we were performing magic tricks and all le. hahaha. super random. but whee it's fun to zi high. lol. anyway black pearl we rocked la. most qian bian og indeed. haha our dance and cheers ar. haha super funny lar. and our fast and furious drift drift drift. lol. super funny. loved the eh eh sarboleh also. super super high. quite sad for my og la. had to endure the few of us going crazy. haha but pretty cool. quite impressed that everyone was so on to zi high together. like come on lor. we pretty much got asked to leave amk hub while trying to do out bengawan solo advertisement... but no our og didn't give up. we went to central stage to perform it for half the world to see. hahaha... omg. we're nuts. and our super combo hei zhen zhu dance got video recorded by the other half the world at sentosa also. super funny also how they all tong kar-ed me together during the finale night. and how we tong kar-ed each other each time we met. haha... ahh... the memories. whee... =)

yay out at amk

our trademark hei zhen zhu... haha

hurrays for engin =)

ooh then we had secret pal also. never played the game before but it was pretty interesting the way they put it across. anyway... yup my sp rocks. really nice guy. he was supposed to be shrek and i was princess fiona. and he got me a eeyore which was supposed to be like the donkey in shrek. haha funkayeee... haha half the time we were talking blindfolded not knowing who each other was... but whee it was good to know who he was at the sp dinner. which they did up really nicely. really literally like a candlelight dinner la. haha... whee...

yay my sp and i

yida and i again... whee...

haha okay i shall stop here. i dun think im blogging much sense le. haha tired. but boo i really wanna do those two camps that they called me to ask if i could do this week. boo =( many many weeks left. ahhhh....

hello =) im back! hurrays. met eng wei today to go back to tj to get our a level certs and my funny awards. whee pretty cool. the aunty from the sports com still remembers the both of us! lol. not bad lar. she saved me from the security guard. sort of. cos she super confirmed that i was an ex tjcian. so dun need to check the letter. yay pcb today. quite a few familiar faces for tmr's camp. hurrays! it's going to be fun! ben and xin yi are doing too. yay last camp as an instructor for a very long time. if you know why good for you. if you don't... then haha like that lor. super cool lar. got some commendation letter for our last camp with tampines sec. whee super super cool. first time ever. this camp must jiayou le. finish the triple linked camps on a high. yeah man.

okie been going out quite a lot these couple of days. hahaha let me see...

went to watch shrek 3 with ben and xin yi at vivo on friday... yayyy not too bad of a show. quite nice. considering i never watched part 1 or 2... it was pretty good. haha. then yay we went to sentosa to play the night luge. super fun lar. we even stopped halfway to take pics lol. i wanna go againnn! haha =p and the carlsberg tower. ooh and xin yi and i bought the shrek ears together too! wheee! haha =) ahh and im not from the jungle. lol.

xin yi and i at vivo!

power of the luge. lol.

yay on the carlsberg tower

yay shrek ears together! wahaha

saturday. ooh went for engin precamp brief. quite interesting. met quite a few pple. hahaha... whee... then met jun sheng for lunch. haven't seen him since um i was year one? haha. whoa super long ago lar. new york new york has pretty nice food! haha and whee can make candy floss. so funkaye lar. hahaha =p so nice to see him ard again! hurrays. then went with the rocky pple to catch oceans 13. whee then got sent back by rico and dua jia. haha...

oh yeah saw this with js. there's always a silverlining behind every dark cloud. literally =)

sunday... eh. ohhh. went cycling with ben and shalon and a few other HA pple at ecp. hurrays. fun... =) monday was spent with eh xiaoting and cheryl! hurrays. shopping! hahaha... orchard and then bugis! yay! =)

kim and xiaoting

kim and cheryl promoting macs! lol =p

whee yesterday... yesterday was cool. spent it at tekong. haha watching eng wei and chun kin POP. haha quite funny couldn't find chun kin at first during the jockey presenting ceremony. the one in which the parents do place the jockeys onto their son's heads. nearly panicked lor. hahas. oh well. yay but managed to get a pic with him. haven't uploaded though. haha... then met eng wei after that too... left tekong with him and his parents. a bit awkard i suppose. felt a bit bad. like um taking time that he should be spending with his parents like that. but oh well his parents are pretty nice pple so yup =) whee... tekong was fun. haha.

kim and chun kin with shrek ears!

at POP

okie... that's about it for now. last camp tmr. must must make it good. hurrays. way past 11 le. time to pack for camp. till then cyaaa! =)

whee i realised its been nearly a mth since i last updated. so yup. ehh... been out at camps. froggy came back for the ftpss campfire with zhao xiu. yay! been a long time since i last saw him. scared me though. suddenly appeared in the middle of xin yi and i from nowhere. hahas. ooh ben came back for the camp too! yay and his whistle is still with me =/ cos i koped it to try to read the comic strip along the strap. ahh. haha hmm tampines sec was really really fun la. major group fights until super fun. wahaha. our three hour long campfire was super fun also la. ahaha omg my vocab is down to the same two words. super and fun. haha =p



















on the bus with my mirror



















back to tampines sec. hurrays! =p

the corporate camp at kulai was pretty interesting too. can't believe they thought i party though. haha the dancing must have been pretty convincing when yinwei and i played something like copycat with them. whee... campchief-ed two camps as well. bedok town was pretty okay just very tiring. haha dunman high at kulai was hmm interesting. their year twos are worlds apart from their year fives who yinwei and i met at loola. oh well. but not bad i think some of my instructors are really very zai. a lot to learn from them too. ooh ooh... stephen got me a big big tortise which pei-ed me all the way in kulai for both the corporate and dunman high camp. so cute la. omggg... haha =p

















the multi-purpose table structure the bedok town-ians built. hahas.










































































































my camp two and i self entertaining during the long long night for bedok town sec

















tortise and i in kulai

hurrays! =)

haha whee... let the pictures talk for themselves ba. haha cos im really tired and i don't really know what i'm talking about already haha. and yay for the random photo of the day

dhs at loola instructors. yay!

haha shall update again another day! still have a lot of stuff to settle. haven't even applied for my uni hall. boo. ahh need to go back to tj to collect my a level cert and um apparently two awards as well. some merit award for oac and commendation award for hc. just read the letter today. hmmm... sigh. oh well. ooh watching eng wei and chun kin POP tmr. whee exciting. thats all for now. to tekong we go! =)