hur. i actually feel somewhat cheated.
all my life teachers have told me that diffusion doesnt occur in solids.
now i've an ENTIRE chapter on diffusion in solids.
and they told us that we were wrong. HUR.

bah. i realised my posts always paint a very sad image of my life. =/

oh well since im sigh stuck rushing lab reports and critiques in the middle of the night without any time to do my tutorials and assignments or to catch up with anything that i've fallen behind on as usual, i shall post something happier =)

managed to do a camp for HA during the first week of school for andrew. felt pretty bad for missing so many lessons though. rushed in and out for ctw. oh well. felt pretty... how would you put it. weird and unaccustomed to camps after such a long lay off. haha pretty shaky start but hey i guess it got a lot better. first time having an attachee under me too. kind of weird but alright. though dohnut and i took an normal tech class, i think at the end of the day, they really rocked. really really glad to have done this camp. wonderful students. all they need is more belief. belief that they're better than the rest. that they can do it. i'm really impressed by the determination and peserverence i was those past three days. i'm glad that we made a difference to their lives. probably one of the best camps ever =)














best mirror ever














xinyi and i



















haha my very sexy mirror. lol.

lets see. interhall games has pretty much came to an end for me already.

not all THAT great but alright i've to admit that it was quite an experience.

i only wish that i had done better for touch rugby. especially since i made it to the starting 6.

something i thought was impossible when i first entered the team a couple of months ago.

nevertheless, shall keep rugging on. inter faculty games basketball got cancelled. but i'm still playing touch rugby for engin. =)

alright not many photos to show for the many weeks of training and games here it goes...

kent ridge hall girls bball team 07/08

tennis match watching with wormie and kor

chinese new year celebrations this year was much more interesting than previous years =)

visited many many houses this year.visited both my mum and dad's sides, mr lim, carol, candice, minyi, alvan, jason, weeping, mel chua and mel chan's houses. =)

at candice's =)

at minyi's

at mel chua's

at mel chan's

oh well. yay and yesterday was v day. wonderful. had 8am to 6pm lessons. =( kr dinner. watched the guys soccer match. 6-0 whoots! haha and then met up with welson at vivo. =)
haha not bad la. quite eventful. haha.
i still feel so evil for not preparing any gifts. really been so so busy with all my work that i've hardly been having time to even catch up sleep. =(
but nevertheless, thanks for all the effort. =) the pretty doorhanger from cheegake, chocolates in a box from oliver and alvan, froggy snowglobe from kor, the heart shaped-like wand from wormie, chocolates from the korean fish, the tiramisu cake from xinyi, the flower from francine... a big thankyou! =)
hopefully i didnt leave anyone out. if i did im really sorry... the lack of sleep's getting to me. haha.

firefly and i

haha check it man. who's eyes are smaller. lol. =p

whee met with my beta hc today. froggy drove me over. went to cityhall for a dinner together before ain leaves for aussie. felt great meeting them again. after so so long. miss those times we had back in tj. simply amazing. =) no photos yet though. all with arvin and grace. shall update on the meeting again once after i get them.

too tired to carry on. it's nearly 6am already. bah. at least the lab report's done. shall continue with the critique and the rest tmr. goodnighttt =)

i'm really tired.
being stretched from every corner.
under so much pressure to perform this sem for everything.
it's not that ive completely given up and stopped trying.
i'm really very drained.
physically mentally emotionally.
i really don't know how much longer i can hold up with this.
i know i can't afford this sem.
but...
ahh that helpless feeling.
i'm losing control over my own life =(

these days,
i'm loving touch rug.
reliving bball.
accounts accounts and more accounts.
and going for lectures with people i know.
i'm happier. though i've already begun to fall behind in my studies,
think sleeping through lectures and stoning time away,
i just need more discipline and peserverence.
i can. i can do this. i can take charge of my own life.
thanks for believing in me.
thanks for all the help rendered.
i'm going to get through this.
and at the end of the day i'm going to be smiling.
cos i'd know that i got through the near impossible successfully.
i'm going to see that day. cos i believe. and i want it.

on a side note, if you happen to see this kor, jiayou all the way yeah =)

i've begun to dislike being alone.
it's weird how you still always come to mind at times when im alone and free enough to let my mind wander.
it's weird when i still occasionally read your blog or just browse through your profile.
things change. people change. people change so fast that it's scary.
i'm glad that i was right and that i never really knew you all that well at all.
i'm glad that i know that i've to move on.
i've got my own life to lead now.
i can't afford anymore slip ups.
i'm going to concentrate. i'm going to cope with everything.
i'm going to start opening up. i'm going to be more sociable.
i'm going to study hard. i'm going to make new friends.
i'm going to fulfill whatever i've set out to do. i'm going to be a focused little kid.
i'm going to make this semester work.
because believe is all that i have left.
i won't. i won't fall short.

whee it's 2008 already!
probably and hopefully that's a good thing.
hopefully things will finally work out as it should. lets pray that it does.
a little rare optimism does help doesnt it =)
perhaps the new year's a good thing. time to put some things behind, time to cherish some, time to look forward.

looking back, 2007 was... a pretty eventful year.

working at micron... was a pretty interesting experience. though it told me that electrical engin is definately not for me, the people i worked with there were amazing. yuan, ppb, chern xin, irni, daiyu, thank you =)

release of the a level results and uni application... the results were yeah not too bad though honestly a little bit disappointing cos i knew that i could have done better. the mistiming of the paper and reading the wrong question thing. bahh. im just glad to have proven to everyone that id still make it at the end of the day despite the cca overload that i had. for all my tutors who never gave up on me though i was probably the least of model students, thank you =) also, i realised more than ever that when they said follow your heart and do something you like in the uni, i think they were right. it's now probably the one thing i regret doing the most. ranking practicality above interest.

camps camps and more camps... from the first camp at loola, to my last jbac camp. oc, rocky, campha. i realised how much i had changed. starting off really lousily, disliking the rarh rarh concept to daring to do so much more as camp chief at the rocky side. the challenge of catering to all sorts of campers. and the feeling when you know that you made a difference to their lives, phenomenal =) it's all about the campers. to all the instructors, yanling, song xi, chun kin, si lin, eng wei, wei qi, ben and all, especially yinwei, my camp two, my best friend, thank you for always being there, welson who never once stopped encouraging me and xin yi, thank you for the experience of a lifetime =)

campha

oc

rocky

that operation... mentally and physically demanding and depressing. but through that i knew more than ever the people who would always be there for me =)

uni life... i don't think there's a lot more to say about it. adacemically wise well its been and will continue to be a struggle. the many problems faced are still oh so evident and hopfully itd be resolved soon.

some random frustrated in engin look in engin. haha i think it looks retarded.

i remember coming into kr tired unenthuasitic and fighting for fitness, less than a mth after the operation. luckily, the people i met here were nothing short of amazing. cheegake, whye kiat, khairul kor, jiani, insung, my block comm, huiling, wang zheng and all... what would i do without you guys? =)

touch ruggers.

d-blockers

glacius

and of course, not forgetting the oacians, my house comm, and ij pple esp jean rach kai dot cheryl carol rae hui and rae wen, nicole and all, thank you for always being there for me =) even the smallest words of encouragement, whether i reply to them or not, thank you because that's whats been keeping me going these past couple of months.

oh and those recent gloomy posts shouldnt continue. it's a brand new year. i'm starting a new. and i'm going to get it right this time =)

btw, if you don't fight for what you really want, you'll end up losing it.

time and tide waits for no man.
indeed. with just a blink of an eye its been a year.
many things have changed. many things are still in the process of changing. for the good or for the bad, only time can tell.
it's christmas already. supposed to be some really joyous day.
don't know. suddenly i don't feel much.
its been too much of a wild roller coaster ride this year.
up down up down. i'm physically mentally and emotionally very tired.
i no longer know how to feel.
hopefully everything will sort itself up.
especially engin. its starting to get me quite frustrated. the things that have been happening. hopefully a solution will be found soon. i'm getting very tired of just sitting and waiting for the news to come.
oh well. sigh. on a lighter note, was out with mw just now. its been awhile since i had such fun. arcade-ed after dinner. not really my kind of thing. but ended up pretty fun. shows that ive to improve on my shooting and counting skills. but ehhh my air hockey is not too bad lor. hurrr haha.
warlords was pretty good actually. just um kind of tragic the movie. but not bad la. engaging. haha =)
ahh sigh keep wondering how im going to get past next sem. results for this sem are coming out tmr. not that im very interested to know how well i did or anything. but yeah.
i don't wish to keep doing this. i don't see why i should. why should i be going through this when it isnt even my fault. i'm really tired of it. its not fair. not fair that my uni life is going to keep carrying on like this. i made a wrong choice to come here. i really feel like leaving. but im not sure if its the best thing to do right now. actually i don't know what i should do any longer. this is rubbish.
ahh sorry for the random outburst but yeah. if i had just one christmas wish. i'd wish that everything gets sorted out to what it should have been from the start. sigh.
enough rubbish from me. shall stop de-stressing here.
christmas is here. im just really thankful for the family and friends. for always being there for me no matter what. thank you and have a merry christmas.

suddenly i feel smaller than ever.
everything seemed to move so fast the past couple of years ever since i left ij.
it moved so fast i never had time to slow down.
but today im sitting here alone,
realising more than ever that it was the very choices i made in life that caused it to move so fast to start off with.
i come and go. i admit it.
everytime something starts, i'd get so indulged in it i forget what i had before.
basically, i disappear from the face of the world into a new dimension.
the number of things i would have done differently if i could turn back time - astronomical.
i can do a transcendant job of things yet be so disappointing all the time.
somehow i feel i constantly disappoint those around me. those closest to me. one moment so close, the next, so far away.
quite recently, our ij bball coach passed away...
but yet i failed to make it down for his wake. yes, for a vaild reason cos i had exams at the very same time back here at nus...
but still.
i remember going back to ij when i was still year one back in tj.
i remember going back to watch and train with the bballers once or twice.
i remember promising him on my last visit that i'd come back regularly to train with the new bballers and probably on my own accord to visit him too.
i remember being so overwhelmed by everything back in tj thereafter, never having the time to return back once more for trainings.
i don't know about the rest. the views of him, many.
although yes his trainings were hell, that nobody would disagree, and he was fiercer than a lion at times,
but i believe that he taught us some of the most valuable lessons in life.
and the touch of commitment he had, unbelivable.
i remember how he used to come at least an hour before the actual training time,
how the used to train me on my shooting, especially three pointers personally before training started.
i remember the dedication, the passion he had.
though i know i somewhat disappointed him by not choosing to join bball back in jc though he never outrightly said it to me... because of the amount of effort he put into me...
without him i would never be the person ive become.
he taught us perserverence, resilliance, punctuality, determination, passion, purpose, drive amongst many other things.
thinking back i really miss his trainings. the little things he said. the translations from chinese to english i would help him make for the non chinese players in our team. for the toughness, for the belief.
if i could turn back time, i'd go back regularly as i promised.
if i could turn back time, i'd go back just to jiang yi shen xie xie.
it just keeps happening. entering tj, i disappeared from my ij friends cos i never had the time to meet up.
after the as, doing camps non stop and working at the cafe, i hardly ever had much time for my ij or tj friends even though it was the holidays.
entering nus and kr, i barely move out of my current social cycle. though partially cos of my lousy time table, i again, hardly ever have time to meet up with everyone though im sure i could have put in more effort to. i barely even make time for my own family.
if i were to have christmas wish granted right this instant, i'd with to treasure everything around me more. because as much as i like what i'm doing, i'm regretting something else.
i'll take control of my life, rather than just drift along with it wherever its heading towards. i promise. just give me a bit of time to sort everything out.
im really sorry to everyone ive disappointed.
and thank you for always standing by me despite everything.
im really greatful for everyone of you.
you all mean the world to me.
thank you and a big sorry.
i've realised...

if kim hasn't already realised, there's no 31st november in the calander.
which means my next physics paper is errr TOMORROW?
hurrr and ive ummm nothing much... 17 out of the 19 chapters left untouched.
to think i still thought i had quite a fair bit of time.
=(
nevermind. kim is supposed to like physics. supposed. come on. try harder.

anyway i learnt something new today. i cant just add up vector forces. =/
haha i seriously never realised that until today. =x

study kim... stop sleeping the days away... just a little while more.

From the Heart by Another Level
I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before
And you've been hurt and so your heart has chose to close the door
Love brook your heart and brought you lies
Look in my eyes
You'll see a love that's deep and true
Tender and strong and all for you
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

From the heart
I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart
I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul
I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is
From the heart, from the heart

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need
And when you reach for love you'll only need to reach for me
These arms will never let you down
They're staying around
I'll walk with you through every storm
I'll keep you safe, I'll keep you warm
And you'll have no doubt
You're the one I'm living for

From the heart (from the heart baby)
I'm giving you everything (oh) everything (giving you everything)
From the heart (my heart)
I promise you that I'll be there (I'll be there for you)
I'll be there to love you
From the soulI'm showing you all I feel, all I feel (I'm showing you)
All I feel (all I feel) is
From the heart, from the heart (from the heart)

I'll provide the love you need
Just trust my touch
Believe in me
I'll never make you cry
Givin' all I got with all I got inside

From the heart
I'm giving you everything, everything (giving you everything)
From the heart (from my heart)
I promise you that I'll be there (I'll be there to love you, love you, ooh)
I'll be there to love you (ohh)
From the soul (my soul)
I'm showing you all I feel (all I feel) all I feel (all I feel) is
From the heart (the heart) from the heart

Ooh, from the heart, from the heart.

such a pretty song =)

ahhh... i just wasted my past two days away.
after my lousy three papers in two days.
kim needs to study.
just two more physics modules and it'll be over.
c'mon kim.
start studying stop sleeping and stop watching weird funny funny stuff.
go go go...

ive no idea why im doing this.
i. want. out.
im wasting my time.

sigh. clever kim starts studying four days before her exams.
four days three modules. i must be some genius. =(
im so dead. it's sunday already.
econs tmr morning, math in the afternoon,
and programming the afternoon after.
im so dead.
i suddenly realised how i could have solved my pe for programming the other day.
ahh just a little bit too late. just a bit. a little bit. arggh.
so tell me...
how how am i supposed to even finish studying for econs and math tmr?
oh gosh im so screwed, surface integrals. i really hate you.
help help help =(
i don't even wanna think about the double physics modules.
die.
i need an average of higher than b-. if not im dead. =/
ahhhhhhh

and it doesnt help that i really really more than ever feel like leaving. =(

it's barely a week and a day left to the start of the final exams.
starting with double papers in a day.
great.
just a few days ago i was wondering if i should change course.
do what i like to do.
cell and molecular biology.
i want to but i don't want to.
interest vs practicality.
isn't that what took me so long to decide what course to go for after getting my a level results anyway cos i knew id get whatever i chose.
decisions made. consequences being lived out now.
weird thoughts coming to mind these couple of days.
wondering if i should switch unis.
to abroad.
taking the same course though.
though it'd most probably end up in me being a year behind.
tempting thought.
seriously feel like it.
ahh but it's just such a wrong time to think about it.
exams are almost here. i should be hitting the books. after all i'm already so far behind it's barely salvagable unless i'm einstein or something.
damn =(

i'll be honest. i've no interest in engin whatsoever.
i don't like physics. and i don't even like math.
i've no idea why i'm forcing myself to do this.
i don't even like what i'm doing.
but still i refuse to change course.
ahh what's with me.
i want to do this yet i don't want to do this.

suddenly i miss a lot of things more than ever.
i miss home. i miss my family
i miss tj. i miss oac. i miss my beta hc.
i miss the times we trained together.
i miss the times we never stoped debating with one another while planning events.
i miss the times we enjoyed together. the competitions we took part together.
i miss the times we studied together and struggled together at the last push.
i miss the motivation and support that we gave each other.
i miss ij. i miss the 2/4 and 4/2 girls. i miss the ij bballers.
i miss camps. i miss HA. i miss OC. i miss rocky.
i miss the times we had together.
i miss the fun. i miss the laughter.
i miss the neverending support. i miss the challenges.
i miss the instructors. i miss the campers. i miss the cheers. i miss the activities.
i miss the times we camped out together. when i believed in you more than anything.
i feel alone. defeated. demoralised. unmotivated.
ive lost my reasons for doing this.
i don't wish to do this anymore.
but then again. would it matter to anyone. no.

i'm tired of running. let's walk for a minute.

i'm now hanging by a thin thread.

sigh im supposed to be at econs lecture now.
can't believe i let myself mentally psycho myself not to go even though i haven't been to it in eons.
boo.
another sleepless night. the lack of sleep is really getting to me.
i can't perform well in sports i cant study i can't do much because of it.
i'm tired. i'm really tired of a lot of things. but i'm really too tired to sleep.
i don't sound like i'm making much sense.

went to brewerkz at clarke quay on friday night to celebrate mandy's birthday with the oacians.

lousy lousy friday before... screwed up bball trials. too tired to play. and i'm a bit gone lar. keep getting chest pains whenever i play nowadays boo. quite glad to see the oacians after so long. boo i miss them so. and eng wei, though i always say that i hate you, it's not really so. =p i don't have many photos. they're all in eng wei's cam. mmm...

with sze sian

and liesel.

went over to sheares yesterday to celebrate xin yi's birthday. her sheares com and friends are really happening. the deco of the room and all. super hilarious but nevertheless, impressive. mmm... then she came over to kr to visit me afterthat... and we started talking about camps again. i really really miss camps too. but there's just no time to do any now. =( i miss jbac.

i miss campha. i miss rocky. i miss oc.

at least i've xinyi nearby =)

happy birthday xinyi!

actually i've no idea why in the world i'm blogging cos i'm in no mood to blog at all.
a lot of things have been happening.
i don't know why you keep doing this to me.
i know it's unintentional. but still, it hurts.

its been a long long time. sitting here now... with the time approaching four...
i don't know what to think,
what to feel.
i'm tired. very tired.
it's been months. am i sober yet?
still a shadow of my old self.
i've no clue as to how to go back to who or whatever i used to be.
suddenly im so quiet. too tired or distracted to respond.
i try to make everything seem normal.
im scaring myself.
boo...
i don't like this me.
everything just feels so unhappy.
sigh.

hello =)

yay happy happy it's 28th august! lol...

thank you everyone =)

thank you to glacius who came to my room to surprise me with the ice cream cake at midnight. love you guys!

thank you to cheegake for the cute cute lion which will become a permanent fixture in my room. =p

thank you to our d block bballers. thank you for the match... and thank you for the suprise at munchie monkeys. i won't forget standing there on the stage alone holding the cake while you all sang the birthday song. haha =) you all rocked =)

thank you to yanling, amanda and yinwei for coming all the way down to kr (especially yinwei all the way from ntu) to surprise me =p

thank you to xin yi too... for coming over from sheares with the two slices of cake... and the couldnt be lighted candles =) love ya!

thank you to jiani khairul and insung... for the videotaping of you all crashing my room lol. and for the card and the cute animal pouch...

thank you meyling for leaving the slice of cheesecake outside of my door while i was out =)

thank you to everyone who dropped me a birthday wish whatsoever... thank you for remembering though most of the time i usually disappear cos im busy with other stuff. thank you =)

eh i don't have most of the photos but i'll post whatever i have first... =)

from xinyi =)

from meyling =)

yay crashing my room =)

yinwei and amanda

yinwei and kim

ooh whats this? scandalous. lol

alright that's all for now. cyaaa