suddenly i feel smaller than ever.
everything seemed to move so fast the past couple of years ever since i left ij.
it moved so fast i never had time to slow down.
but today im sitting here alone,
realising more than ever that it was the very choices i made in life that caused it to move so fast to start off with.
i come and go. i admit it.
everytime something starts, i'd get so indulged in it i forget what i had before.
basically, i disappear from the face of the world into a new dimension.
the number of things i would have done differently if i could turn back time - astronomical.
i can do a transcendant job of things yet be so disappointing all the time.
somehow i feel i constantly disappoint those around me. those closest to me. one moment so close, the next, so far away.
quite recently, our ij bball coach passed away...
but yet i failed to make it down for his wake. yes, for a vaild reason cos i had exams at the very same time back here at nus...
but still.
i remember going back to ij when i was still year one back in tj.
i remember going back to watch and train with the bballers once or twice.
i remember promising him on my last visit that i'd come back regularly to train with the new bballers and probably on my own accord to visit him too.
i remember being so overwhelmed by everything back in tj thereafter, never having the time to return back once more for trainings.
i don't know about the rest. the views of him, many.
although yes his trainings were hell, that nobody would disagree, and he was fiercer than a lion at times,
but i believe that he taught us some of the most valuable lessons in life.
and the touch of commitment he had, unbelivable.
i remember how he used to come at least an hour before the actual training time,
how the used to train me on my shooting, especially three pointers personally before training started.
i remember the dedication, the passion he had.
though i know i somewhat disappointed him by not choosing to join bball back in jc though he never outrightly said it to me... because of the amount of effort he put into me...
without him i would never be the person ive become.
he taught us perserverence, resilliance, punctuality, determination, passion, purpose, drive amongst many other things.
thinking back i really miss his trainings. the little things he said. the translations from chinese to english i would help him make for the non chinese players in our team. for the toughness, for the belief.
if i could turn back time, i'd go back regularly as i promised.
if i could turn back time, i'd go back just to jiang yi shen xie xie.
it just keeps happening. entering tj, i disappeared from my ij friends cos i never had the time to meet up.
after the as, doing camps non stop and working at the cafe, i hardly ever had much time for my ij or tj friends even though it was the holidays.
entering nus and kr, i barely move out of my current social cycle. though partially cos of my lousy time table, i again, hardly ever have time to meet up with everyone though im sure i could have put in more effort to. i barely even make time for my own family.
if i were to have christmas wish granted right this instant, i'd with to treasure everything around me more. because as much as i like what i'm doing, i'm regretting something else.
i'll take control of my life, rather than just drift along with it wherever its heading towards. i promise. just give me a bit of time to sort everything out.
im really sorry to everyone ive disappointed.
and thank you for always standing by me despite everything.
im really greatful for everyone of you.
you all mean the world to me.
thank you and a big sorry.
i've realised...

if kim hasn't already realised, there's no 31st november in the calander.
which means my next physics paper is errr TOMORROW?
hurrr and ive ummm nothing much... 17 out of the 19 chapters left untouched.
to think i still thought i had quite a fair bit of time.
=(
nevermind. kim is supposed to like physics. supposed. come on. try harder.

anyway i learnt something new today. i cant just add up vector forces. =/
haha i seriously never realised that until today. =x

study kim... stop sleeping the days away... just a little while more.

From the Heart by Another Level
I know you've heard these words a hundred other times before
And you've been hurt and so your heart has chose to close the door
Love brook your heart and brought you lies
Look in my eyes
You'll see a love that's deep and true
Tender and strong and all for you
You can trust this love
Honest, that's the honest truth

From the heart
I'm giving you everything, everything
From the heart
I promise you that I'll be there
I'll be there to love you
From the soul
I'm showing you all I feel, all I feel is
From the heart, from the heart

I will protect you and respect you and be all you need
And when you reach for love you'll only need to reach for me
These arms will never let you down
They're staying around
I'll walk with you through every storm
I'll keep you safe, I'll keep you warm
And you'll have no doubt
You're the one I'm living for

From the heart (from the heart baby)
I'm giving you everything (oh) everything (giving you everything)
From the heart (my heart)
I promise you that I'll be there (I'll be there for you)
I'll be there to love you
From the soulI'm showing you all I feel, all I feel (I'm showing you)
All I feel (all I feel) is
From the heart, from the heart (from the heart)

I'll provide the love you need
Just trust my touch
Believe in me
I'll never make you cry
Givin' all I got with all I got inside

From the heart
I'm giving you everything, everything (giving you everything)
From the heart (from my heart)
I promise you that I'll be there (I'll be there to love you, love you, ooh)
I'll be there to love you (ohh)
From the soul (my soul)
I'm showing you all I feel (all I feel) all I feel (all I feel) is
From the heart (the heart) from the heart

Ooh, from the heart, from the heart.

such a pretty song =)

ahhh... i just wasted my past two days away.
after my lousy three papers in two days.
kim needs to study.
just two more physics modules and it'll be over.
c'mon kim.
start studying stop sleeping and stop watching weird funny funny stuff.
go go go...

ive no idea why im doing this.
i. want. out.
im wasting my time.

sigh. clever kim starts studying four days before her exams.
four days three modules. i must be some genius. =(
im so dead. it's sunday already.
econs tmr morning, math in the afternoon,
and programming the afternoon after.
im so dead.
i suddenly realised how i could have solved my pe for programming the other day.
ahh just a little bit too late. just a bit. a little bit. arggh.
so tell me...
how how am i supposed to even finish studying for econs and math tmr?
oh gosh im so screwed, surface integrals. i really hate you.
help help help =(
i don't even wanna think about the double physics modules.
die.
i need an average of higher than b-. if not im dead. =/
ahhhhhhh

and it doesnt help that i really really more than ever feel like leaving. =(

it's barely a week and a day left to the start of the final exams.
starting with double papers in a day.
great.
just a few days ago i was wondering if i should change course.
do what i like to do.
cell and molecular biology.
i want to but i don't want to.
interest vs practicality.
isn't that what took me so long to decide what course to go for after getting my a level results anyway cos i knew id get whatever i chose.
decisions made. consequences being lived out now.
weird thoughts coming to mind these couple of days.
wondering if i should switch unis.
to abroad.
taking the same course though.
though it'd most probably end up in me being a year behind.
tempting thought.
seriously feel like it.
ahh but it's just such a wrong time to think about it.
exams are almost here. i should be hitting the books. after all i'm already so far behind it's barely salvagable unless i'm einstein or something.
damn =(

i'll be honest. i've no interest in engin whatsoever.
i don't like physics. and i don't even like math.
i've no idea why i'm forcing myself to do this.
i don't even like what i'm doing.
but still i refuse to change course.
ahh what's with me.
i want to do this yet i don't want to do this.

suddenly i miss a lot of things more than ever.
i miss home. i miss my family
i miss tj. i miss oac. i miss my beta hc.
i miss the times we trained together.
i miss the times we never stoped debating with one another while planning events.
i miss the times we enjoyed together. the competitions we took part together.
i miss the times we studied together and struggled together at the last push.
i miss the motivation and support that we gave each other.
i miss ij. i miss the 2/4 and 4/2 girls. i miss the ij bballers.
i miss camps. i miss HA. i miss OC. i miss rocky.
i miss the times we had together.
i miss the fun. i miss the laughter.
i miss the neverending support. i miss the challenges.
i miss the instructors. i miss the campers. i miss the cheers. i miss the activities.
i miss the times we camped out together. when i believed in you more than anything.
i feel alone. defeated. demoralised. unmotivated.
ive lost my reasons for doing this.
i don't wish to do this anymore.
but then again. would it matter to anyone. no.

i'm tired of running. let's walk for a minute.

i'm now hanging by a thin thread.

sigh im supposed to be at econs lecture now.
can't believe i let myself mentally psycho myself not to go even though i haven't been to it in eons.
boo.
another sleepless night. the lack of sleep is really getting to me.
i can't perform well in sports i cant study i can't do much because of it.
i'm tired. i'm really tired of a lot of things. but i'm really too tired to sleep.
i don't sound like i'm making much sense.

went to brewerkz at clarke quay on friday night to celebrate mandy's birthday with the oacians.

lousy lousy friday before... screwed up bball trials. too tired to play. and i'm a bit gone lar. keep getting chest pains whenever i play nowadays boo. quite glad to see the oacians after so long. boo i miss them so. and eng wei, though i always say that i hate you, it's not really so. =p i don't have many photos. they're all in eng wei's cam. mmm...

with sze sian

and liesel.

went over to sheares yesterday to celebrate xin yi's birthday. her sheares com and friends are really happening. the deco of the room and all. super hilarious but nevertheless, impressive. mmm... then she came over to kr to visit me afterthat... and we started talking about camps again. i really really miss camps too. but there's just no time to do any now. =( i miss jbac.

i miss campha. i miss rocky. i miss oc.

at least i've xinyi nearby =)

happy birthday xinyi!

actually i've no idea why in the world i'm blogging cos i'm in no mood to blog at all.
a lot of things have been happening.
i don't know why you keep doing this to me.
i know it's unintentional. but still, it hurts.

its been a long long time. sitting here now... with the time approaching four...
i don't know what to think,
what to feel.
i'm tired. very tired.
it's been months. am i sober yet?
still a shadow of my old self.
i've no clue as to how to go back to who or whatever i used to be.
suddenly im so quiet. too tired or distracted to respond.
i try to make everything seem normal.
im scaring myself.
boo...
i don't like this me.
everything just feels so unhappy.
sigh.

hello =)

yay happy happy it's 28th august! lol...

thank you everyone =)

thank you to glacius who came to my room to surprise me with the ice cream cake at midnight. love you guys!

thank you to cheegake for the cute cute lion which will become a permanent fixture in my room. =p

thank you to our d block bballers. thank you for the match... and thank you for the suprise at munchie monkeys. i won't forget standing there on the stage alone holding the cake while you all sang the birthday song. haha =) you all rocked =)

thank you to yanling, amanda and yinwei for coming all the way down to kr (especially yinwei all the way from ntu) to surprise me =p

thank you to xin yi too... for coming over from sheares with the two slices of cake... and the couldnt be lighted candles =) love ya!

thank you to jiani khairul and insung... for the videotaping of you all crashing my room lol. and for the card and the cute animal pouch...

thank you meyling for leaving the slice of cheesecake outside of my door while i was out =)

thank you to everyone who dropped me a birthday wish whatsoever... thank you for remembering though most of the time i usually disappear cos im busy with other stuff. thank you =)

eh i don't have most of the photos but i'll post whatever i have first... =)

from xinyi =)

from meyling =)

yay crashing my room =)

yinwei and amanda

yinwei and kim

ooh whats this? scandalous. lol

alright that's all for now. cyaaa

hello its been awhile. blogging from my room in kr now. freshmen orientation week's almost over. which means school's starting soon? and i'm beginning to dread it more than ever. the bidding for modules. which by the way is so completely cannot make it. the fact that it's going to be an uphill struggle all the way for me especially when i don't take physics. i don't know man. but i'm getting quite tired of everything. even before it begins.

anyway oh well. orientation was not too bad i guess. just that i still admit that i enjoyed engin camp more. probably because xinyi was there with me. and we could siao on together. but now... i don't know. i'm like so tired of everything. i'm tired of not being allowed to run. i'm tired of all the cheers. i'm tired of all the camps. maybe what they said about camp instructors making not very good campers is quite true. cos everything's been done dunno how many zillion times at how many zillion camps. it gets tiring after awhile i guess. like oh no this again. great. okay lar. but it wasn't that bad i guess. different in a way. og's really huge though. hardly know a lot of people. but at least i've made a few closer friends. though they're mostly from a-block. a-block's like my second home away from home after d-block lar.

hur hur anyway the kr rockers dance and acapella are like damn zai la. super impressive. and yup kr's a nice big family. yay. oh we've this dating game thing too. my date's super nice lar. cooked me supper to say yes. kim is impressed. though i admit that the thought of having to jio a senior was pretty much uh of a turn off at first i guess. hehhh... oh and i've met my silent extacy partner liao. heh. the only cheer that can keep me high now. heh. ahh super rubbished many tryouts and all. but hur hur i can't run. so yeah. quite pathetic don't you think. confirmed for shape real run too. hopefully can run by then.

i'm very tired. and very very chui. ahhh need to go rag le. bb. sorry for the lack of blogging inspiration. just to prove that i haven't exactly disappeared completely.

hello =) it's been awhile. i'm quite okay. quite some routine life now. if it's not physio then i'm probably out meeting up with people, trying to help out at engin rag or yeah just happily shopping away. haha. i want to run. but i'm still not allowed to. exasperating. nevermind. i think they call it retail therapy. my internet is being weird. it doesnt allow me to see my tagboard for now. rarh. but nevermind. it will soon. always like that. i'll reply soon =)

haha. im on a mad shopping spree. today's an improvement from yesterday already. nabbed a pair of jeans from river island. pretty shocked myself by doing that. ex =( but it's pretty. haha... they've this nice watch too. $45 only. buttt haha i decided it was time for some restraint. finally bought my sp present too. saw many many tjcians today. yesterday was worse. parkway-ed. i declare that dorothy perkins has very nice accessories. -shrugs- couldn't help it. got white pants from there too and two shorts. hurrays. then queensway-ed. hur hurrr... got that new nike duffle bag that's so pretty. good. can fit my bball in. whee... ooh got my new asics shoes too. see im anticipating the moment they'd give me the go ahead to run. rarh dunno what elseee i bought... rarh.

ikea-ed with liesel the other day too... managed to get my bedsheets and all. hurrays. then we orchard-ed the following day. watched die hard 3. and then wahaha more shopping again... whee mango zara taka wisma... haha hurray!

















this is the REALLY really pretty cap i came across at the third floor of heeren. the shop with many many caps. its so nice lar. the white one's really nice too. but this creamy white cum beige one is whoaaa... (okay maybe cos im er quite dark) but omg omg it's really nice. $21.90. haha and its 20% off now! lol. fine fine didn't buy it in the end. been spending too much. need a little more restraint. but heyyy christmas is coming right? *attempts to drop this really really huge hint* any takers? LOL. okay fine. haha =p

i declare that doing camps this holidays was a really really good thing. it greatly decreases my spending power. haha cos i barely have time for anything. thank goodness for that. =p

lets see. watched midnight transformers with eng wei, wei kheam, kai sheng, liesel, ss the other day and harry potter with jean, kai qin, rachel, wanting, sherline the other day as well. well another the other day that is. haha.

















harry potter-ing in the cinema.


















omg what's this?! hahaha =p















making the best out of a situation














and again. yeah man. =)

met the rest of black pearl at fish and co too. hurrr and first they're laughing cos i've more modules than the chem engineers. (3 out of 8 of us take chem engin ma) orhh... lol. and then they tried to convince me that i wouldnt be able to reach one of those hanging things in fish and co. anddd finally they tried to make me believe that gullible is not in the dictionary. hehhh... but that's why i love them so yes? haha =p they rock la.

sent yanling off to korea with the rocky instructors the other day (she's back already though). this woman tried to convince me that she was going to korea with her family so check out the place so that she can emigrate there. hurrr... i'm not falling for that. haha and ardi tried convince me that table tops of those tables at hawker centres can move (yeah i fell for that before-i tried to move it to see if it was for real) and that if i press the thing at the front of the sky train a seat would come out. hehhh. haha i realised more than ever that people seem to find a lot of joy in bluffing me these days. lol. i must really be some entertaining sight. lol.

i really really want to run. i miss doing camps. i miss the kids. i miss kidnapped. i miss the campfire song. i miss the campfire. i miss the mass rarh rarhs. ahhh =(

















random camp shot. tampines sec instructors i think. i miss camp. =(

oac batch gathering tmr. can get to know the new batch of instructors le. hopefully many many seniors come too. checking into kr on sunday le. still have this thing about going in on my own and knowing practically no one. entering tj was like that. oac, scico and engin too. to be honest i'm quite tired of starting from scratch everywhere i go. but oh well... nevermind. hope it'd be fun. i prefer believe it will be. =) schools starting soon. at least i already know a few, though not many, fac mates. shazia's the only person who believes i made the right choice choosing engin over accountancy. i pray hard she's right... must jiayou wor. i love physics and math. i really love physics and math... i really really love physics and math. just a few more days left to xin li zhun bei for the next four years. =/

and now i wonder more than ever.
i no longer know what im looking forward to.

whee time for a little update =) been going out quite a fair bit these few days now that im finally allowed to walk. though my walking capability is still quite pathetic. haha... oh well.

went to watch the ndp preview with xin yi yesterday at marina bay... not too bad having a brother marching in the scouts contingent ehs. pretty cool. wahaha... a lot smaller than the usual ndps but then again it's not exactly their fault. the capacity was so so much smaller. oh well. lalala i declare that marina bay is super pretty though. especially at night as it always is. pretty pretty place =)


















xin yi and i at the greennn grandstand. =)



















the marching contingents and the state flag



















pretty pretty costumes! i like the starfish. reminds me of patrick the starfish... ahh where's spongebob? haha =p




















pretty pretty marina bay at night!

haha okie i shall stop spoiling the show. rarhs. =)

hmm went for ocs family day with eng wei's parents today. whoa the ocs camp's really really nice la. everythings really a lot nicer than tekong. and i still remember in the tekong audi we were sitting far far away from the recruits who had to sit together for the commisioning.. but over here in ocs they get to sit with us for the talk. whee a lot more freedom and independance in that sense. and i realised ocs people carry themselves very well. hmm eng wei brought us for a tour of the area and whee this is what we saw





















the view of the parade square from up the three sided tower. which i learnt from eng wei that it, together with its surroundings have a lot of symbolic meaning. whee saw quite a few tjcians... and omg we were at the mess hall when someone called me from behind... i turned around and guess who i saw... haha i saw Am! havent seen him since my first ever camp at loola la. haha so qiao. we saw a video of what the echo wing's been doing for these two weeks of training too... just like what ew told me about. haha... not bad. tmr's the initiation ceremony already. so super fast la. 5 more days to bookout! haha finally after what'd have been three weeks. 3/4 of a mth la. so long. yay! haha. so sad didn't get to see the female officer cadets though. think it'd be damn cool la. sierra wing. whee power =)

his parents gave me a lift to amk. shopped awhile there... haha reminded me of engin camp where we spent the day there and got chased out by the security guard... haha omg. then went to meet my family at toa payoh to celebrate my mum's birthday... happy birthday mum! whee =) and wahaha guess what i met sophiaaa! haha... long time no see! haha and ehhh i met my ftpss campers too... wahaha so qiao lor. went to bugis thereafter to shop for a short while... finally got my white skirt from esprit. yayness!

super tired from the walking around... haha okie that's all for now... wahaha wheee

haha yinwei, stephen and dua jia came by my house today. whee nice to see them around. =) whee and got an even bigger tortoise today from rico and a cute tortoise from yinwei. wahaha so cute lar. big and cuddly im so going to bring it into my kr room. =) liesel and sam stopped by the other day too. wahaha and whee liesel and i more or less decided what ccas to join together in nus already. yay =)

ahh im being driven to extreme boredom being stuck at home. missing camps like crazy. so so tempted to say yes to veron and ridwan when they asked if i could do the wed to fri camp. but yeah right like i'd be able to. sigh so sad. i wanna be able to walk soon. so that i can just you know go out and shop a little or something. better be this thursday or friday. if this goes on any longer some day im going to become claustrophobic. heh. =(

haha okay its about time.
i think ive a lot to explain.
why i didn't tell most pple that i was gg for an op.
okie. because changi is very far and out of the way and i didnt wanna disrupt anyone's daily activities by making a very out of the way detour. yeah and well cos i'd feel bad if you came all the way down just to see how i am especially cos it wasn't that much of a major op or sth.
yeah so i more or less only told those who needed to know or i figured would know very soon.
mmm. so yeah sorry if i didn't tell you all. didn't mean it any other way. just didn't wanna inconvienence anyone. yups.

omg yayyyyy wahahaha i'm going to stay in kent ridge hall!
woo hoooo! confirmed liao wahahaha =)=)=)
this is turning out to be one great day adding on from the botak jones song xi sent to me after physio just now. wahahahaha...
kim is happieeee =)
but kim wants to go shopping... her inability to um manouver around is costing her the esprit zara and mango sales. how sad. hahaha...
kim is crazzzieee she is being super random hahaha...
wheeeee =)